I am

by Livefreely

Published August 28, 2018

12+

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*A poem I wrote for school*


I am caring and passionate

I wonder what it would be like if innocence was never stolen

I hear parents weeping beside their child's casket

I want it to stop 

I am caring and passionate

I pretend everything is okay

I feel the gentle flapping of a butterfly's wings

I touch the stars

I worry it will happen again

I cry when I see photographs of a smile permanent in youth

I am caring and passionate

I understand tomorrow is not promised

I say we should all live for today

I dream of a better world

I try not to let it make me bitter

I hope young flowers reach full bloom 

I am caring and passionate 

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Bloodlord
Review
Bloodlord wrote a review Review · Aug 29, 2018

This is a really nice poem. It depicts multiple aspects of life and meaning from a perspective that is simultaneously despondent, worrisome, and hopeful.

We often find ourselves in different situations, and in each our perspective of life and the world may change. Here, you bring together multiple emotions and perspectives, and I think it is very interesting and beautiful.

Punctuation might help your poem have a little more cohesion. I also think you can split up this poem into multiple stanzas that each explore a different perspective.

For example for the first two stanzas:

I am caring and passionate--
I wonder what it would be like if innocence was never stolen.
I hear parents weeping beside their child's casket;
I want it to stop.

I am caring and passionate--
I pretend everything is okay.
I feel the gentle flapping of a butterfly's wings,
I touch the stars,
I worry it will happen again.


Then, I was just thinking that it might make more sense to invert the order of the two lines "I am caring and passionate" and "I cry when I see photographs of a smile permanent in youth" so that the former comes before the latter.

Perhaps for the next few stanzas:

I am caring and passionate--
I cry when I see photographs of a smile permanent in youth.
I understand tomorrow is not promised,
I say we should all live for today,
I dream of a better world,
I try not to let it make me bitter.

I hope young flowers reach full bloom--
I am caring and passionate.

You don't have to do this at all if you don't want to. I was just trying to suggest experimenting with punctuation to emphasize thoughts.

This is a very beautiful poem, and I enjoyed it a lot. I'd love to read anything more that you have!

Thank you so much!! I will keep that all in mind!!

User avatar
manilla
Review
manilla wrote a review Review · Aug 29, 2018

Hi, Livefreely! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right in it, shall we?

--

I don't have any nitpicks grammar or spelling-wise. Good job! Even without punctuation, you do a good job of keeping a nice flow going.

--

Overall, although the language of the poem is clear and concise, I can't fully understand the overall meaning of this poem. The repetition of "I am caring and passionate" has a purpose, too.

On what I think is the meaning of this poem is a shift in the speaker's mentality. In the beginning, the repeated phrase is used as a figment of their denial. That line and "I pretend everything is okay" really conflict.

But in the end, however, the speaker's views on the world change. As the reader, it'd be nice to understand that change of heart, but that can be left out if you want to be short and concise.

Be sure to think of a meaning when you write poetry (especially). Reread to make sure your meaning is coming across!

This poem was a beauty, however, in the examples of feeling you portray. Keep on writing - How can you change a person today?

-Manilla out.
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or rude. That was not my intention. Please be aware my reviews are more critical than beneficial - That's to help you improve as a writer.)

Thank you so much!! I'll keep all of that in mind!!

You're welcome :)



The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb