Published March 22, 2010
(Note: this is based on a true... relationship-ish thing between me and a guy I like. It was a journal entry I wrote and I liked the way it sounded. I'm not looking for advice or anything, just opinions on my writing. Thanks!)
I hate it when guys are so oblivious to the fact that maybe sometimes you want them to come and ask you "Hey, how's it going?" because that would just maybe make you feel something. To make you feel like they do think about you, they do want to be with you, they do miss you, they want to kiss you, and hold you and know that it's all okay, because their life is in their arms. Their nice, strong, comforting arms.
But no, does that happen? Not with me. I'm stuck wondering about just about everything. Wondering if he's thinking about me. If he even bothers to wonder about all of that. Or when there's a slight chance that we are in even the same presence if he lingers on the thought for a ridiculous amount of time analyzing every signal that was signalized between us.
For me? When we lock eyes I can feel the heat rise to my face and my rapid heart thumping outrageously. When I can see him smile, the two corners of his lips come up and he's smiling at me? I get that tingle down on my lower back - the one that travels up my shoulders and into my arms. I guess you could describe it as chills.
But if I could have it my way? I would be able to read his mind and just figure him out. I'd be able to know what every weird thing he says means, so I wouldn't be left wondering, Did he mean that or was he joking? And I could get a little bitchy and he wouldn't automatically assume that he did something. I just get bitchy sometimes.
And although some things about him make me want to rip my hair out and he confuses me more than he understands? The times that are good between us out weigh every bad time times a hundred. And all of the things that I don't get, I'd rather left unknown than not be able to be with him. And the things that I do get, I savor every single one; like his curly hair, and sparkling eyes, his smile, and his voice... god, that voice. It makes me melt.
And although he likes me back, sometimes I wished he didn't....
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I'm back to review the edited version! I might be a bit harsh, so be prepared!
The second part of the second sentence is better, but still a little bit confusing. I had to re-read it a couple of times to fully understand it.I don't understand the first half of the sentence. Try reading it aloud...does that help? And what exactly is 'the thought'? It's not clear to the reader.
This whole paragraph doesn't seem to add anything to the whole 'understanding him is impossible' theme. It doesn't seem to have much to do with it. Also, 'For me' doesn't seem to fit in and work there. The reader can't understand what you're talking about. It doesn't go with the paragraph before it and the text after it.
'But'? What/who are you contradicting? I would say 'and'.
I think this edit was much better than the original. I hope I helped! Keep up the awesome work-
KD
Kaedee here to review.
My favorite paragraph. It ties everything together, and it helps complete and end this piece.Things I Like/Things You Did Well On:
-I loved the voice for this piece, which keeps the reader interested. In my opinion, the voice is one of the most important things in a nonfiction(ish) piece. You did a great job with it!
-I also like how this piece is organized, and how the last few paragraphs start with a question.
-I like the ending. It leaves you wondering! And:
Things I Didn't Like/Things You Didn't Do Well On:
-You change tenses often.
-A few bits of strange punctuation in here.
Nitpicks:
'Tell'? You mean 'ask', right?
The 'and just feel like everything would be right because they're there with you' is a bit awkward for me. More specific: the 'everything would be right' part.
Run-on sentence. Break this into two. I think the 'analyzing ever signal that was signalized between us' adds personality to the voice. I like little things like that.
Huh? This first sentence is strange with the question mark. You should say 'on the outside'.
And that's it! Hope I helped. Keep up the good work-
KD