z

Young Writers Society



Maybe.... (Revised)

by LiveScreamWriting


Maybe if I don't look at it,
it will go away.
Wash away with all my other worries that I've thought about today.
Fade into the background, walk into the dark.
Take away my insecurities, take away my negative thoughts.
Shake off everyone that shoves their problems onto my lap.
It's not mine to deal with.
I've realized that I don't need to be like everyone else in society.
I don't need to be one of the robots the world has created.
I don't need to have the negative thoughts.
Because I know some where inside me I'm destined for something.
Something bigger, grander, better.
In my soul, I'm a talented person.
Maybe if I do look at it, it would go away.
Stand up to my fears that I've dealt with today.
Walk into the sunlight, let myself shine through.
And do exactly what I know I was born to do.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 3971
Reviews: 21

Donate
Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:48 pm
NeverendingPages wrote a review...



'Maybe if I don't look at it,it will go away.Wash away with all my other worries that I've thought about today. Fade into the background, walk into the dark. Take away my insecurities, take away my negative thoughts. Shake off everyone that shoves their problems onto my lap.It's not mine to deal with. I've realized that I don't need to be like everyone else in society. I don't need to be one of the robots the world has created. I don't need to have the negative thoughts. Because I know some where inside me I'm destined for something.Something bigger, grander, better.In my soul, I'm a talented person. Maybe if I do look at it, it would go away. Stand up to my fears that I've dealt with today. Walk into the sunlight, let myself shine through. And do exactly what I know I was born to do.'

This poem is way too cliche and vague. I can't find much depth in these words and all i can gather from this poem is a stroppy teenager moaning, as 'Galerius' Kindly put. I dont understand the main objective of the poem. It lacks originality or movement. Try finding inspiratin in music and other literature, rather than in the media(Unless it's original)and stereotypical writings. Your wording is good so work on your themes and keep writing.

Pages.




User avatar
382 Reviews

Points: 33318
Reviews: 382

Donate
Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:54 pm
Galerius wrote a review...



Hi LiveScreamWriting,

This isn't doing anything for me. It's a compilation of Disney-channel themes and outright bad writing that makes for one very boring, very foggy poem.

LiveScreamWriting wrote:Maybe if I don't look at it,
it will go away.
Wash away with all my other worries that I've thought about today.
Fade into the background, walk into the dark.
Take away my insecurities, take away my negative thoughts.


How is this scene something that we can imagine at all? "Take away my negative thoughts"? Can you conjure up some solid image from what you've written? Don't preach to the audience, nobody likes it. Don't spill out your soul to us without making it sensational to a degree; we're not your psychologists.

Shake off everyone that shoves their problems onto my lap.
It's not mine to deal with.
I've realized that I don't need to be like everyone else in society.
I don't need to be one of the robots the world has created.


This is the stupid Disney Channel Original Movie stuff that I was talking about earlier. Putting aside the worrying sociopathic tendencies this poem displays by saying that everyone else in the world is a mindless robot, it's very difficult for you to defend this position when all the reader can see when looking at it is "whiny, angsty teenager". That's really all that's coming out of these words.

Remove the last two lines up there. It's doing no good for your piece, and the extremes generally don't work well.

I don't need to have the negative thoughts.
Because I know some where inside me I'm destined for something.
Something bigger, grander, better.
In my soul, I'm a talented person.
Maybe if I do look at it, it would go away.
Stand up to my fears that I've dealt with today.
Walk into the sunlight, let myself shine through.
And do exactly what I know I was born to do.


Why don't you need to have negative thoughts?
How do you know your destiny?
How are you talented?
What were you born to do?

This is incredibly vague and frustrating to read. You seem to want the reader to feel "happy" without actually putting in any content. It's all stuffing, filling matter to make a paper outline look healthy. And then it ends up looking bloated.

Start over. Don't lecture and don't keep the reader hanging in the dark as to what your solution actually is, and how you came to that conclusion.

Hope that helped,
Galerius





You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling