Published January 15, 2010
Maybe if I don't look at it,
it will go away.
Wash away with all my other worries that I've thought about today.
Fade into the background, walk into the dark.
Take away my insecurities, take away my negative thoughts.
Shake off everyone that shoves their problems onto my lap.
It's not mine to deal with.
I've realized that I don't need to be like everyone else in society.
I don't need to be one of the robots the world has created.
I don't need to have the negative thoughts.
Because I know some where inside me I'm destined for something.
Something bigger, grander, better.
In my soul, I'm a talented person.
Maybe if I do look at it, it would go away.
Stand up to my fears that I've dealt with today.
Walk into the sunlight, let myself shine through.
And do exactly what I know I was born to do.
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey there!
My problem here is that you ruin the flow with your long lines. The rest is nice, really nice, but the long lines break it up and make it kind of dull, really. I would cut out all the unnecessary words. The lines can easily be shortened, which would make it really great!
~Amy
Hey Live, so I agree with Matt, you have a nice beginning and end, but the middle gets kind of long. I really love the beginning of this, most people feel like that at sometime, and having people be able to relate to your poem is always a good thing.
I really loved this line, very nice.
Keep writing!
Hello!
Parts of this sound very pleasing. Specifically, the beginning and the end. The middle, not so much. The first two lines, I can relate to, and I like the way they sound. The third line sounds good too, but it's a little long. I would shorten it, perhaps to something like:
Maybe if I don't look at it,
it will go away.
Wash away with all other worries I've thought about today.
That way, it keeps the tempo relatively springy. The next line is fine. However, then it gets long and sounds out of place again - it loses momentum. There are three or four lines that are just too long. You need to say what you mean in a more concise way. You could either say it in a shorter space, or perhaps make those long lines into two lines instead. The last four lines are up-tempo again, and they sound much better, so if you can make the rest of the poem like that, the whole thing would sound more pleasing and flow better. Hope that helps!
I liked this.
It reminds me of my "ex" friend, his fears tore us apart.
I wish he handled like in your poem.
It sort of speaks to me. I like the round about kind of thing in this.
You start in the shadows and emerge into the light.
Yes, i enjoy books like that. This was very good.
This is a really amazing piece, it makes so much sense and is beautifuly written. Keep up the good work!