I know this story is really short but tell me what you think.
Jesse stared at the papers that hid his desk away. All this work and he still couldn't concentrate on anything but Mallory. Her dark curly hair, and incredible blue eyes. The herd of freckles across her nose, her pale pink lips, and the heartbreaking sorrow that she was going though. “Damn it!” He cursed. Jesse leapt from his chair and started pacing around in his small office. What was it about this women, he wondered, that made him… care? “Work.” He said out loud, but he knew the truth. He was in love. Jesse hated love. It was an excuse that his mother made every time he asked her why she stayed with Drew. A man that came home drunk every night, to beat his wife and step-son. Jesse cringed remembering the pain that he had put them both threw. A knock at the door brought him back to reality. Jesse sat down at his desk and tried to organize. “Come in.” He yelled.
Mallory cracked the door open and gave him a weak smile. “Hey. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a moment.”
Jesse smiled. “Of course.”
She moved quickly to one of the big black chairs in front of his desk. “It’s about my dad.” She said without looking at him. “They still haven’t found out who killed him.” One single tear fell from her eyes and traveled down her cheek.
Jesse moved, sitting in the chair next to hers. “Mallory, you have to give them some time. That’s all you can do.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed.
“But how much time?” She asked. Jesse could see anger in her eyes. “It’s been three months now. How long do I have to wait till my daddy gets the justice that he deserves?”
Jesse shrugged, knowing very well that she may not ever see that day. “I don’t know. No one does. All you can do is go on with your life and hope.”
Mallory sighed and held his hand tightly. “It’s just so hard. After my mom died I, I don’t know, I just thought my dad would last forever.” Her tears became heavier and faster. “I didn’t know that I’d lose him only two years later. And not like this.”
Jesse stood up and made her come up with him, pulling her into a hug. She clung to him and Jesse felt his heart speed up. Her skin was so soft. He touched her hair. It was even softer and smelled like berries. Jesse wished that this was more. He wished that this hug meant as much to her as it did to him. “I know this is hard, but it can only make you stronger. They will find him. One day that man will pay.”
Mallory pulled back and studied him. “Do you really believe that?” She asked.
He let her go and nodded. “Every word.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey you guys. I'm so sorry cuz I guess I put this story in the wrong thing. I didnt mean for this to be a book. If so it would have started out like differently. I dont think you'll be hearing more.
I liked this a lot. I love the emotion betrayed, I agree with Wickedwonder, it usually is the girl in love, so i think this is a nice, refreshing, twist. I want to read more of this and find out if they really do find the man responsible for Mallory's father's death.lol
Great story, keep it up(:
For your age, that was very well written. I liked your take on love (Usually, the girl is in love, not the boy) Your emotion is good, and so is your description. So, nice work. I really liked this.
~WickedWonder
I really liked this. Normally it's the girl who is in love with someone who doesn't love them.
I'm going to nitpick.
Jesse stared at the papers that hid his desk away. All this work and he still couldn't concentrate on anything but Mallory. Her dark curly hair#FF0000 ">, I don't think a comma is supposed to be here. and incredible blue eyes. The herd of freckles across her nose, her pale pink lips, and the heartbreaking sorrow that she was going though. “Damn it!” He cursed. Jesse leapt from his chair and started pacing around in his small office. What was it about this #FF0000 ">women Women is supposed to be woman., he wondered, that made him… care? “Work#FF0000 ">.” He You have this throughout the piece. Your supposed to have a comma instead of a period and he is supposed to be lowercase. said out loud, but he knew the truth. He was in love. Jesse hated love. It was an excuse that his mother made every time he asked her why she stayed with Drew#FF0000 ">. A I think this is okay as it is but you can but a comma where the period is instead. man that came home drunk every night, to beat his wife and step-son. Jesse cringed remembering the pain that he had put them both threw. A knock at the door brought him back to reality. Jesse sat down at his desk and tried to organize. “Come in.” He yelled.
There are a few typos in the first paragraph.
She moved quickly to one of the big black chairs in front of his desk. “It’s about my dad.” She said without looking at him. “They still haven’t found out who killed him.” One single tear fell from her eyes and traveled down her cheek.
This seemed kind of random to me but I see why you have it there.
Jesse stood up and made her come up with him, pulling her into a hug. She clung to him and Jesse felt his heart speed up. Her skin was so soft. He touched her hair. It was even softer and smelled like berries. Jesse wished that this was more. He wished that this hug meant as much to her as it did to him. “I know this is hard, but it can only make you stronger. They will find him. One day that man will pay.”
I loved this paragraph.
That's all I got. I want to read more.