Though the open window Else could see the clear night sky and feel the cold breeze. How she longed to leave this place. It felt like only a few days ago that her dad sent her to Private school. The only good out of it was Malki. Else grinned remembering his shaggy sand blond hair, bright green eyes, broad shoulders and heart melting smile. She sighed and closed her window. As Else turned to leave she hared something hit her window. Her heart seemed to beat against her chest as if trying to break free. It was Malki. Else opened the window back up. “What are you doing?” She yelled down to him.
“Meet me down by the pool.” He shouted.
Else smiled and closed the window. She glanced over at Lacey, sound asleep. Else hurried grabbing her bathing suit, and raced out the door. She ran down the hallways till she got to the women’s bathroom, threw on her bathing suit then ran outside. Their school pool was huge and the water was the lightest blue Else had ever seen. The only lights came from inside the pool. Else sat down and dipped her feet in, waiting for Malki. She took a deep breath and forced herself to relax. Else had never been left alone with Malki and everyday they were becoming closer and closer. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to give herself away like that. Suddenly, Else felt large rough hands around her waist. “Hey.” He whispered in her ear.
“Hey.” She whispered back. She grabbed one of his hands and made their fingers lace together. “It looks really beautiful tonight.” Else gazed up into the sky. There wasn’t a star in sight, but there was a huge yellow moon. When she looked back at Malki he was staring at him. His eyes were intense, but not with lust. Else knew that look all to well and that was one reason she loved him so much. To him, she wasn’t just another girl to hook up with, to him she was someone worth waiting for. “So, what’s the reason for dragging me out of bed this time?” She asked, amazed that she could keep her voice even.
He sighed and leaned his head against hers. “Couldn’t sleep.” He looked at her again. “You know that you look gorgeous tonight?”
She stared at him confusion. “How? My hairs a mess and I’m not even wearing any make-up.”
He moved so that he could stare into her eyes. After four months it still made her stomach do back flips. “Because your naturally beautiful. You don’t need all that make-up.” She blushed. Else was a tall girl with light brown hair, and dark hazel eyes. Softball had kept her skinny and her face looked as if it was straight out of a magazine, yet Else didn’t see it unless she was covered in a thick layer of make-up. Malki pushed his fingers though her hair. “And your hair looks perfect.”
“Are you trying to soften me up?”
Malki laughed. “Why would I need to soften you up?”
She shrugged. “So when you tell me that you have to go back home because your boyfriend got sent back to jail it wouldn’t hurt as much.” He looked amused. “Or something like that.”
He laughed again, then tighten his grip on her waist. “No, Else, I want you to know how important you are to me.” Else smiled and kissed his cheek. “And thanks for asking about Chance, I’ve been so worried about him lately.”
Else giggled, while punching him in the arm. “Oh, shut up!” He laughed along with her and she felt a warm feeling started building up inside her. “I love you.” She whispered, then realized what she had just said. “Oh my god, Malki I’m--”
He untangled his hand from hers and lifted it to her lips. “I love you, too.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,848 Reviews
Really? lol Only you Aubrey
Hey sisy!
This is amazing! I love it! But u made lots of mistakes from what Thechoclatewritingcat said. That's all I got later!
Aubrey
Instead of a "Like" button it should be a "Love" button. I LOVED THIS!
Keep Writing!
Nike
I tend to disdain romantic stories but i thought this was pretty good. The character connections were pretty great as was the setting for the story. It gave me a strong sense of catharsis and nostalgia that kept me reading. It was a pretty heart felt story and at the same time the characters felt real. As for the length of it, i thought it was a pretty fitting size. Keep on writing
C.S.
Okay..
This story was well written, it had excellent structure and to be honest, I really really loved it. It is a perfect romantic short story. I enjoyed your characters and I can't really say anything else. All the nit picks I had are already mentioned.
Keep writing
Kaka x x
Hey! I'm Trish and I'll be your reviewer today! Just to warn you though, I tend to nit-pick quite a bit, so this post might be a bit long...
But let's begin, shall we?
Plot
In your story, I can't really see any plot at all, it's basically just fluff. Are you going to continue with the story? Is this just an introduction to a novel? As a stand-alone piece it doesn't really work because the reader doesn't have anything to be interested in. While it is a bit sweet, you need to have a plot so that people will want to read it.
Character Development
As with plot, there is little to no character development in here. For your piece to become an actual story, you need to have a plot, and you need your character(s) to actually change between the beginning and the end. You could say that maybe she changes a bit in what she thinks of her own beauty, but there isn't really much evidence to support that change. Sure, she hears Malki say that he thinks she's beautiful without make-up, but does she really say or think that he's right? It's almost as if she gets a bit suspicious of him when she says:
I know that character development can be hard, but it's essential to create interest in a story. When developing a character you need to always make sure that you're also pacing your development correctly so it doesn't seem like you're just dropping a bomb of information on the reader all at once, or you're not giving them near enough information.
This is why writing short stories or flash fiction can be so incredibly difficult. You need to develop your characters and plot well, in an extremely short time. This takes practice and skill, and nobody can do it right away. Just keep at it and hard work will pay off in the end!
Grammar/Nit-picks
In your piece you also seemed to make quite a few typos/mistakes. I'll do my best to point them out below.
This first sentence seems to be a bit repetitious because of the double use of the word 'night'. Maybe take out the second 'night' to make it flow a bit better.
Also, with this sentence and a lot of the rest of the piece, you are 'telling' not 'showing'. Use your characters five senses. Show us what she hears, feels, sees, smells, tastes. Make us picture your story in our minds.
Awkward.
Sighed.
Heard.
Heart.
Either "What are you doing?" or "Where are you going?"
Add a comma between 'in' and 'waiting'.
This whole paragraph could be split into two to four seperate ones. Remember to make a new paragraph when you change topics, time, or speakers.
Rough.
Something like "laced their fingers together" would work better.
Gazed.
Stare.
Four months? I thought you said at the beginning that she had met him at the boarding school she started at a few days ago. Make sure to avoid confusion by keeping the same facts throughout the story.
This is one of my worst pet peeves. 'Your' is what you use when talking about possession, eg. That is your house. This should be 'you're', which means you are. As in, because you are (you're) naturally beautiful.
"What would I need to soften you up for?" or "Why would I need to soften you up?"
Awkward.
Overall
Overall, this is a good foundation, though you really need to work on making it more than just fluff. MAKE US CARE! This could really be a great story if it just had more of a plot and a deeper, more developed character. Keep working on it, practice, practice, practice! You can only get better!
Just remember that you by no means are entitled to listen to anything I just said, though I really hope that this review helps you improve your writing. Good luck in the future, and if you ever post another story or edit this, make sure you let me know and I'll swing by ASAP!
I look forward to reading more of your work! Good job, and bye bye for now!
~ Trish