Published December 10, 2012
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140,235 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Although there is not argument that your words are perfect and that you write beautifully, this does not seem like a short story to me. I feel as though it was poetry without a plot. Your words were very pretty, however there was no plot to see. The first paragraph you wrote seemed to be beginning a story line, however the second paragraph was just words. Words that didn't seem to amount to any sort of plot. And the last paragraph did not add to the nonexistent plot either. Nothing was introduced, nothing was resolved. I think that you should be writing poetry because you have some of the most beautiful writing I have seen in a while. Please, keep me posted on your writing. I am very interested in what you have to say. Happy Writing!
Yeah, thanks, I agree. It wasn't really supposed to be anything - I just haven't written much for a while so I thought I'd post it. I never seem to be able to write anything that's actually any good as a poem, or a story - only stuff that's inbetween!! Thanks for the review!
I'd suggest putting 'drum drum darumedy drum' in italics
Come to think of it, I agree.
Thanks for the advice - will do!
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(and for the other reviews
I've an affinity for material dealing with memory.
Other than a few comma splices, it paints a vivid picture.
The end of the first paragraph: "There! I can smell you - there. Is that you? Almost. No."
I feel I was rushed from the excitement of actually smelling and slapped back to reality. I think you could have added something that would have pulled me more to disapprove coming to "no," rather than having it right there. Then again, I don't know if that was your intention.
"Drum drum darumedy drum" -- Definitely fun to say.
I'd like to know more about the reason you wrote this and where it stemmed from.
Great work!
- mShujin
Wow. The first few lines have of this piece have held me captive to read more from you.
This piece is beautiful, the imagery used here is potrayed extremely well.
I would suggest that in the next piece of this story you try adding more of you're plot as this is only the beginning of something good.
This piece emphasizes more on the protagonists feelings and everything around him. You should try writing about the reason behind this.
For now, this is a great piece.
Looking forward on reading more from you,
Keep writing.
- Dreamergirl.