Hands

LittlePrincess wrote:Spread like a star,
his hands are big
Thick and strong, Compared to the line before and the ones that follow these two, your wording in these lines isn't very strong. I'd consider finding better descriptive words, if you can. If not, it's chill. Oh, and change the comma to a semicolon! That been said, though...
a cord of muscle ripples
from his elbow to his thumb, ...I really like these two lines.
as it lies
clumsily.
Iron fingers
and rigid,
flat nails. Not sure if this fragment really works here. Also, the structure of these last five lines is very different from the beginning of this stanza. Perhaps you may want to try and keep your lines more even, or structure them a bit better? Just a suggestion.

Across the desk,
a vast,
impossible distance,
hers flutter. While you explain this line a little more in the next few lines, this part here, in itself, is sort of vague.
Fingers, long and thin
dainty fairy legs,
Pink nails,
tap dance across
the cold surface.
Clickity clack. I'd consider looking over your punctuation in the last six lines or so. It reads a bit awkward.

She fidgets and watches
his heavy,
heavy hand. Sometimes repetition serves to enhance an image, but in this sense it just sounds a bit redundant.
See’s his power.
But her dancing fingers
melt away
and wish. Not a big fan of the ending. The poem started out pretty strong, but it dies down by the end.

Your use of adjectives and describing things is wonderful. You do a good job with that. I enjoyed reading this poem because of it and don't ever stop describing things in any sort of writing. This poem is very clear and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!!

I didn't like it. Why? Because when I don't get something, I don't like it. A sad consequence of my terrible overly-analytical philosophies.

Great Imagery, if I wasn't me, I would love it !
Next time, work on purpose. I think poetry thrives when it has purpose. Even if the purpose is to not have purpose, it has purpose.

I think though you might be referring to handwriting? Maybe love? I want to like it, but I feel offley(sp error!) stubborn today.
Also, very inspiring, keep up the work. The structure and presentation was well done.

--ShadowKnight155

Wow, this was great! I couldn't really understand what you were trying to convey, however you gave a very nice visual image for the readers. At times it seemed a little too abrupt or stilted with the abundance of your short lines and commas, but that's just my opinion. Anyhow, it was extremely entertaining to read. My favourite line is:

Pink nails,
tap dance across
the cold surface.
Clickity clack.

This is a really good song.

This was really cute I thought that it was also very emotional is a strange way

I liked how it was very descriptive. You can actually picture the male's hands.

LittlePrincess wrote:Spread like a star,
his hands are big
Thick and strong,
a cord of muscle ripples
from his elbow to his thumb,
as it lies
clumsily.
Iron fingers
and rigid,
flat nails.

LittlePrincess wrote:She fidgets and watches
his heavy,
heavy hand.
See’s his power.
But her dancing fingers
melt away
and wish.

LittlePrincess wrote:Spread like a star,
his hands are big
I don't understand these two lines. How can hands be spread like a star?
Thick and strong,
a cord of muscle ripples
from his elbow to his thumb,
as it lies
clumsily.
I don't get this either. How can muscle ripple if the arm isn't doing anything?
Iron fingers
and rigid,
flat nails.

Across the desk,
a vast,
impossible distance,
hers flutter.
Fingers, long and thin
dainty fairy legs,
Pink nails,
tap dance across
the cold surface.
Clickity clack.

She fidgets and watches
his heavy,
heavy hand.
See's his power.
But her dancing fingers
melt away
and wish.

So, considering our usernames, you must be like my long-lost younger sister or something?

Haha. Anyways, great poem! Do you know, I have the weirdest obsession with hands....when I think someone has nice hands, I usually end up telling them and making myself look like a total freak. But yeah, I liked this poem a lot, especially your vivid descriptions of the boy and girl's hands and how their hands display their feelings. Just one nitpick: "See's" should probably be "Sees."

Me gusta!

Hi! It's Teardrop. Oh, and I love your avvie by the way! : D Rubber Ducks are awesome! I haven't done a lot of reviews on poetry but I'll give it a try!

First Stanza I think this was pretty good, in my opinion it was the best of them. I think it was a perfectly detailed stanza. *pats on back*

2nd I think this one lost the flow a bit, but it was still good. I think you might have been able to choose a different selection of words and I thought the transition between the boy and the girl's hand was a bit quick.

3rd This one isn't the same size as the others, it's not a big deal but I just wanted to point thtat out. I liked the ending.

Overall I liked it. I'm not sure exactly what you were trying to get threw as far as the meaning goes, but I liked the poem and it was very very well writtenon your part. Keep writing, I can tell you're a great poet. *likes*

Awesome poem, I enjoyed it very much!



Feel free to PM me anytime!

~ Teardrop