red seas are all i see for it is bad for me the only peace i get is once i am asleep my family thought i was a creep bloodshed battleground souls laid to rest for all of the people had done their best
blue seas i cannot see because they are too good for me singing me to sleep for i am alone and thats all i shall be pain is the cause in this war burns people to their core
i feel like i am closer to the red it is really starting to get to my head souls are full of pain red seas are no game they cause worse things this is no battle for kings
let me see the truth take a picture in the booth have a great life to the "t" and stay away from the red seas
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I love the concept of the poem. From the picture it painted in my head this poem is about a person who went to war, or a person witnessing a war.The poem seems to be set back at an older time also.(which is cool) The one thing I would change is either the format or your choice to rhyme. (which is a matter of opinion)
Also I think you should describe the "red seas" and the war more and what it was like. Also don't be afraid to use other vocabulary and more imagery to add depth
This line you should change to a more historic open ended line that the rest of the poem has:
"let me see the truth take a picture in the booth have a great life to the "t" and stay away from the red seas"
Other than my opinion, I think this was a lovely poem with great potential!
First, I will say that this is an impressive first attempt at poetry. It has a lot of potential, but naturally, as it is your first poem, it could use some work.
The first thing you need to know if you are going to be writing poetry is to completely forget the idea that poetry has to rhyme. Poems do not have to rhyme. This idea gets stuck in peoples heads, and they think that in order for their poem to be good, it has to rhyme. However, that is simply not true. The reason I am stressing this is because if you try to force a rhyme scheme just for the sake of your poem rhyming, it limits your poem and your readers will notice that. Don't worry so much about making each line rhyme and focus more on increasing the emotional intensity of your lines. You want your readers to feel the emotion behind your poem, and the way that you do that is through showing rather than telling. For example, the lines "i feel like i am closer to the red/ it is really starting to get to my head" is rather bland. The speaker is obviously scared, but as a reader, I can't feel the narrator's fear. The rhyme also sounds obviously forced. You might want to try spicing things up a bit and try something like "the red is drawing closer/ soon it will wrap itself around me and force its way into my mind" It doesn't rhyme, but it is more descriptive and gives readers a better image.
The next thing I will say is to beware of cliches! Your poem has many phrases in it that are quite bland and cliche, and you could enrich your poem so much more if you play around with the wording a little. Don't limit yourself too much with rhymes and rhythms. If a rhyme scheme or rhythm presents itself naturally, that's great! But don't force the issue. Poems have to neither rhyme nor have an established beat or rhythm. The great thing about poetry is that there are very few rules, and the rules are very flexible.
I'm not quite sure if the lack of capitalization was a stylistic choice or not, so I won't focus too much on that. I will just mention that unless it is a stylistic choice, titles should have the first letter of every (important) word capitalized, and all the "i"s in the poem should be capitalized as well.
Anyway, that's it for my review! I hope I wasn't too harsh! Your poem is good and has lots of potential, but with a little revising, it could be an outstanding poem! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Hey
This poem is quite short and lacks much depth, but it has potential. You have the idea in your mind and in your description. All you have to do now is find your voice and develop your style. To start revising, I would suggest try to keep the things real and simple. There could be more content to add on. at the end I just wanna say that it is really nice. just keep writing never cease. wish to see some more work from you.
thanks!!