HI, Lee! I’m here to start reviewing the work I’ve been hearing so much about! Yes, I do all my things that should be quotes in bold. Why? Because it’s easy now, sit down because this will be long! I may be a bit harsh but I promise I’m not trying to deter you or make you feel bad.
So, read the title. I need reviews to see how good or bad this is. If anyone seems interested, I'll start posting the chapter drafts next.
You may want to bold this or put it in italics, just so we can differentiate between the story and this. This may be more of an aesthetically pleasing suggestion, but it will add some level of professionalism.
The stench coming off the corpses was worse than anything that had been scented in the forest before. It hung over them all like a heavy cloud, causing a few of the company to retch quietly into the sides of the clearing. Blood had pooled around then dried, caking the grass and the bodies with brown smears. Glassy eyes stared unseeingly at the cheerfully blue sky.
Well, this is an interesting start. Very creative! I have a few tips, though. One, this does not flow super well, very halting and while it is descriptive, it’s not in a good way. A few of the company? Be more specific, company members? What company. I get trying to keep an air of mystery for the very beginning, but this feels rather rushed in a sense, it’s okay to go into detail for important things. My other critique is that the very first sentence just feels off. Scented is not a word, smelled, ro detected, maybe?
Instead of coming, radiating, emitting, or discharged may help the flow, as you’re so descriptive otherwise but this feels weak. Okay, moving on! I’m sorry, I am VERY nit picky but that’s just my style.
A man squatted beside the dead, his dark blue-flecked green eyes flashing dangerously as he studied them. Muscles shifted beneath his leather armour. His beard was black, although the shaggy hair on his head was streaked with grey, and he had a scarred face with a crooked nose. He was a light brown, not just with tan, but by race as well.
Alright, no. The eyes, not the eyes, you don’t do them justice. Please, give us some hint to this man’s personality.
His hollow eyes surveyed. His tired eyes, his wide eyes. Give us some hint to how he’s feeling, his physical description can come later, even right after. Make sure there is a good reason for this description, it feels random. There is the dangerous element, but it gives no hint as to who he is, or how to imagine him as a being.
Same with the hair, maybe he ran his hands through his graying hair, or, again, something like that. It is your story, but it could be reasonably descriptive. Overall, this is super early. You can’t spend a whole paragraph describing someone! Maybe stagger it throughout, giving us detail as to who he is, his habits. Maybe he tugs on his beard, maybe he mentions his nose, incorporate his race in somehow, just don’t slam this on so suddenly. We don’t even know his name.
The man rose with a sigh, callused hands rubbing his strong jaw beneath the beard. Another, clearly his brother with the same eyes, face and countenance, but younger and with browner hair, raised an eyebrow.
Okay, please let me take the liberty of rewriting this in what I feel is a more flowy but less wordy way.
Rising with a sigh, the man rubbed his callused hands to his strong jaw that was beneath his black beard. Another man, with younger yet similar features, raised an eyebrow to his brother.
See, I think that’s better, more variation, though it IS your book and I won’t write it for you, that’s rude.
The first, older man nodded to a couple of others in the clearing. “They were right. Bodies have been here for three, four days at least.”
Hmm, okay. An interesting way to catch our attention, but it feels forced. I’m sorry, again, if I’m coming off as nit picky or too much, this is just my style, but I feel that maybe this is a bit weird.
“They were right. This one has been here at least three days.”
Gives an air of mystery without directly explaining things to the reader. Please don't ever underestimate their ability to keep up, I used to do that! Make them think things out, my dude.
The people who stood in the clearing numbered eleven; an assortment of men and women, all dressed in dappled leather armour and armed with bows, hunting knives, axes, and swords. Three of them were clearly younger than all the others; two boys, and a beautiful girl, all looking to be around seventeen or eighteen. The others were full-grown men and women. The same number of horses stood by their masters patiently.
Okay, I will admit that this is descriptive, it may be too much. GIve your readers some wiggle room to imagine things themselves, you can always stagger descriptions. Some of this feels unneeded currently, and cutting down on excess wording for the first draft may help your readers establish a view of everyone.
The girl, Temu, scowled. “Why are we being sent back? You know Lozan’s one of the best archers we have, Titon’s a brilliant Healer, and I can carve up any bandit with my knives. Or is it because-”
Hmm, so the block of text feels very hard to read and it’s not really how people converse, formal or not. A whiny or angry “why?” would be a sufficient first sentence on it’s own, since we’ve already established the being sent back. The “you know” feels rather off compared to the rest, and I recommend leaving it out. And the last sentence feels kind of wordy for an in real life conversation. Maybe something along the lines of “Is this over/because” or “Are you” seems more fitting, even for someone who is wordy or has a large vocabulary. Seeing as it’s her brother, something less formal may be more appropriate.
She cast her eyes down, abashed, while Endion’s own son, Titon, looked grim, and Lozan carefully blank. All three of them looked like Endion and Daemon, with green eyes, light brown skin, and black hair. Temu was beautiful and lithe, with lustrous, straight long hair pinned back by a simple yet elegant wooden brooch. Lozan was her mirror image, albeit with shorter, shaggier hair and better build. Titon looked like the cousin he was, broadest of the three and with a large satchel slung over his shoulder.
Lee, while I don’t have a problem with your description, I actually find it rather enticing for the most part, I feel that this is too long and yet again needlessly wordy. I can tell it is your style but one can still be descriptive without half the book being describing instead of action. Sometimes more dialogue or some action can tell us more than a block of text.
“Idiot. You know how he gets at moments like this.”
Okay, I love this, to be frank. But maybe it could be “you idiot” or idiot with an exclamation point, for just idiot alone sounds wooden.
“You were born after me.”Ooh! Spill that tea XD
The siblings fell silent, reminded of the three bodies and the people they had belonged too.
To* not too.
OVERALL:
I have logged in all my concerns, but I think the promise is very promising and I cannot wait to see the next chapter. I hope I wasn’t too nitpicky and was of some use, and I’ll see you soon, Lee!
Points: 1578
Reviews: 232
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