Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whatever it is in your part of the world),
Tackling Chapter 1, let's see if I get through the lot today,
First Impression: Some lovely descriptions though in some places I felt they were a touch too much. Neat fight scene. Lot's of good suspense and a bit of mysterious backstory. Really well written I have to say.
On with the it then,
Dawn broke out over the vermillion leaves of the rolling forests, casting a dappled light through the tall trees. Several birds begin to sing, throwing their voices across the waking forest and all its inhabitants. The morning mist began to melt before the lightening sun, leaving diamond-like dew drops scattered on leaves and the thatch-roofs of the village.
This is a lovely little establishing shot almost for the scene. Great opening.
The houses seemed to just appear from the forest, gathered together in a cluster of wood and some stone, and spanning a circular area with a diameter of perhaps a hundred and fifty meters. In the center of the settlement was a large building made only of mossy white stones, a red tiled roof and coloured glass windows. with an open space in front of it, a training yard by the looks of it. It was a simple, rectangular structure with a single large black dome on the roof and wooden double doors.. Another large building, similar in shape and size to the first, stood closer to the edge of the settlement. It had sun-yellow roof tiles, and golden spirals decorated the clean white walls. Its doors were of wood painted gold as well, ornately carved and set in the building. A herb garden lay in front of it. All the other houses didn’t differ from each other that much. The entirity of the village was fenced with thin, scattered stakes and bramble bushes. Several houses had creepers bearing plump melons or fruits on them, and most had small gardens out front. With the rising sun, windows and doors began to open, and the village slowly came to life.
Now this one, this is a really nice description which allows the reader to get a really good sense of your setting. Thing is, it's a big ol' chunk of text. I'd suggest breaking this into paragraphs or reducing the description a tad. Most people might be turned off by a massive description right at the start of the chapter.
Lozan was already wide awake, sparring with his cousin in the training yard. Steel clashed and sparks flew, and the two were already sweating.
This is really great for establishing a visual but it is a very rare occurrence depending on a lot of outside factors so that probably would not happen. And those sparks are actual chunks of metal so your swords would have jagged useless edges if that happens a lot. Bit of a nitpick I know, but just keep that in mind.
“Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?” Temu asked playfully, rising to her feet. She scooped up her two knives off the stair where she had left them, then strode to her brother, who backed off, shaking his head. “I don’t think so, sweet sister.”
“Why not?” She leapt at him then, slashing quickly and repeatedly at Lozan’s body. He responded with his own blade, ducking and parrying while trying to keep her from coming any closer. At one point, he rolled to avoid her knife, and as he got up, she slammed her foot into his face. His nose broke, and he clutched his face, falling to his knees.
This is a really good piece of fighting. Nice segment.
A golden light flowed from his lips and onto Lozan’s face, knitting him back together again.
Nice introduction to the magic system.
Lady Luna took her time, smiling and greeting everyone she saw on the way. Her golden hair was neatly pulled back into a bun and adorned with fowers.
I think you mean flowers
She was taller than most of the southern women here, and called the most beautiful as well, but wore modest cotten clothes of plain colours with little or no jewellery.
The line in bold seems a tad bit unnecessary like a weird comment just squeezed in there.
The e should be an o for cotton.
“Of course, mother,” said the twins, while Titon dipped his head. It had been two days since they had brought back the corpses to the village; it would be a relief to see the hunting party back as well.
This is a nice way to tie the prologue to this but on reading this I think this makes the prologue feel a bit like Chapter 1.
An couple of hours later, the three of them, along with four other healers, were cantering through the leaves on their horses, heading for Sky Creek. The wind tousled Lozan’s black hair, and he closed his eyes to breathe in the smells of their world. Theirs was the ancient Emeril Forest, one of rolling, vermillion hills, with little or no broken land. Many of the trees were immense, with younger ones scattered around them like fawning children. Their trunks would need three men stretched out to be circled, and they reared their green tops high into the sky, home to hundreds of birds, squirrels, insects and other animals. Streams and small lakes dotted the landscape, watering the forest and giving life to its denizens. The forest dwellers lived mostly at peace with those in the open, trading with them frequently but considering themselves free people despite the borders of kingdoms running through their homes, and having their own leaders called the Yavole. Eruza was situated in the prosperous kingdom of Alhallon, ruled by the Radcliffes for centuries.
Once again that's a good description. Like its really vivid. Thing is once again its a touch too long. You should space these out a bit or people will simply skip past these chunks of text and that would be a disservice to these lovely descriptions.
No questions were asked; first aid was their priority. Salves and potions were quickly handed out, with magic used only for the worst cases,
Small point but I assume this means there is some cost to the magic. The nose being healed by magic earlier then becomes a bit silly if magic is only used for really bad cases.
and then Lozan saw his father and uncle, both lying on dry grass beside the fire. Their faces were a sickly white and contorted with pain, chests bound tightly with reeking bandages.
Also patching this onto that previous sentence seems a bit off. I suggest starting a new sentence for this idea.
The company set off as fast as the sled could allow, hoping to make it back to the village by dusk. Lozan’s mind was whirling. Of all the wounded, only Daemon and Endion had been poisoned. And what had happened anyway?
I think putting that thought like that would be better.
“Dwarven steel in the hands of mere bandits?”
New speaker should be in a new paragraph.
Luna sat still. They were gathered in the village hall. Her son and daughter flanked her wooden chair, listening quietly, along with Titon’s mother, Orchid. The inside of the structure was simple, with benches arranged around five chairs, all but hers and Orchid’s empty. The floor was a bright bloom of coloured tiles and chips of smooth stone, playing out random patterns that crawled across the room and onto the white walls of the building. Light filtered through stained glass windows, casting dappled shadows on the colour-dappled floor.
This description feels a touch too much here. Try to capture emotion here rather than the surrounding. You want the reader feeling the sadness of these people that just discovered their parent/husband get gravely injured and not envisioning what sort of place they're sitting in.
“None of us like it, auntie,” Temu said irritably. Orchid shot her a dirty look, but addressed Luna. “I mean that this can’t be a coincidence. Do you remember what happened to our husbands’ cousin? The one who was stabbed by that insane mage?”
Okay here I feel they're acting a little devoid of emotion. Just being irritable doesn't sound very realistic when you're father is lying on deaths door.
Please, Daemon, She thought. Don’t follow your cousin. Don’t leave the children. And don’t leave me.
For this thought and the others I'd suggest italics. It's easier to follow.
And that's it for this one.
So overall this was a great chapter to read. If the descriptions are reduced a bit this would be impossible to stop reading. The only thing I noticed a bit off was the lack of some crying and general sadness. Here I only see fear.
Anyway that's it for this chapter. As always not trying to be harsh. Take what you think is useful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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