Andrew here to review this chapter, and then hopefully the next! I really liked this chapter it was creepy, I felt for the main character, and I can feel the wider world at play. Coincidentally, the book I'm writing right now has a lot to do with creatures of the night and the dark world they inhabit, so I'm totally here for that idea!
My biggest complaint is that in a few places it felt rushed, and in others, I felt like our character's reactions seem a bit tepid for the situation.
But into specifics!
Siobhan was not looking forward to eating her pet rabbit.
The animal was of fine stock, bought under the walls of Tir Gyalek, greatest of the Seven Sunlit Cities. His fluffy coat was like spun silver. A beautiful creature in an ugly world.
But they had run out of food, and after the events of the previous night, Siobhan’s father did not dare venture into the woods in search of prey. He didn’t fear for his life so much as he worried about Siobhan.
The sixteen year old girl crooned softly to the rabbit as her father sharpened his knife. It was a normal knife, of course. Siobhan and her father were too poor to afford an Infused weapon.
I like the first line, makes us curious and instantly gets us to relate to the first character. The use of some world proper nouns was fun, and eminently established this is a fantasy world, and with plenty to explore. Small note that should be sixteen-year-old, with the dashes.
“We must work quickly,” Taige warned her now, setting aside the whetstone. “The blood will draw the worst out of the woods.”
Siobhan nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She pressed her face to the warmth of the rabbit, cursing the world for taking him from her. He was just a baby. She hadn’t even come up with a good name for him. Worst of all, she had bought him as a gift for her brother.
But her stomach ached with a deep hunger, and she knew they didn’t have a choice.
Father gestured at her. She kissed the rabbit, then held him tightly with one hand as she reached for a leather bag. The rabbit would be skinned quickly and dropped inside. They would wash their hands, then flee from the site. Hopefully,/b] they’d be long gone before the creatures of the night [b]scentedblood.
There should be a comma there, and scented should be smelled, unless you are saying the creatures of the night smell like blood themselves
Taige was generally a hard-faced man, but there was a softness in his eyes as he reached for the rabbit. Siobhan sobbed once. Then she handed the little bundle of warmth over.
Father adjusted the tiny moonstone lamp, then sighed and wrapped his arms around the rabbit’s neck.
Then he froze, staring out at something behind Siobhan. His eyes widened with shock and fear.
“Child. Get behind me. Very slowly."
As someone who keeps meat rabbits, I'm glad to see the realism of the neck break being the strategy used to kill the rabbit, though generally, the full-arm is not necessary, with rabbits your hands can get the job done (see this video for reference, https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_cont ... =emb_title) obviously I'd be one of the few people who cares about this though, so it doesn't matter a ton.
Siobhan heard the urgency in his voice and did as she was told, not daring to look back. Whatever frightened her father would terrify her.
He let go of the rabbit but held tightly to the knife. “Take the moonstone. When I tell you to, run as fast as you can. Spinster’s Grot isn’t too far from here. Just follow the road. Whatever you do, don’t wander into the woods.”
The rabbit snuggled into her arms, lending her a pang of comfort. She forced herself to look up at what he was seeing.
A Weeper. The creature’s heavy, cowled cloak slithered as it made its way directly towards them. It was obvious that it had seen the pair.
From beneath the weighted darkness of its cowl came a faint sobbing. Pearly tears, glowing sickly white, fell occasionally to splatter on the ground, but it would know no remorse when it feasted on their warm flesh.
Siobhan was conscious of a warm trickle down her legs. Run? Father knows that’s a lie. We’re both going to die tonight.
So she trembled and waited for death to take her.
Well, that's terrifying. Glad to see this main character very humanized.
The child-sized figure stopped some distance from them. The weeping subsided, and Siobhan heard a heavy sniff. It was smelling the air.
But why? It had already caught track of their scent. At this distance, it had probably seen them as well.
Then it hissed, and came rushing towards them.
Siobhan wailed in terror, clutching at her father’s rigid waist as he lifted his dagger in a futile defence.
It wasn’t fair. She hadn’t even kissed anyone yet. She hadn’t lived.
Tbh, that last line might be my last though as well. Child-sized is scarier so I like that. I do feel like I would like some more descriptions of the area, all I know is woods, I would like to be able to imagine the context of this situation a bit better.
No one did in this shadowed hell, but she took small comfort in that.
Before the Weeper reached them, a flash of light streaked across its path and it stopped dead.
Then it caught on fire.
Shrieking in agony, it flailed wildly at the dancing white flames. As it spun and toppled over, Siobhan could see an arrow sprouting from its back. The Weeper’s body turned to ash around it, leaving an arrowhead that appeared to be made of black glass.
Father and daughter stared at the pile of ash wordlessly, before looking in the direction the arrow had come from.
The shadows shifted, and a tall boy emerged from the woods, holding a short bow and wearing a quiver at his waist.
Taige lifted the moonstone lamp to illuminate his face. “Thank…” his voice faltered.
The light showed a bronze-skinned boy of Siobhan’s age, clad in complete black. Shaggy black hair fell in a careless tumble around his face, stopping a little below his ears. His eyes were pale blue.
This is cool, (and also is this strange heroic main character aged hotty going to be a love interest) but I'd say that I want more of a description of the death of the wheeper, it's a pretty important moment, and seems really cool, but I feel like I don't get that much.
nd they glowed faintly.
A Crow.
Taige swallowed audibly, but continued nonetheless. “Thank you for your timely intervention, err… sir.”
“Save it,” came a raspy reply, hoarse from lack of use. “There are a dozen more Weepers in the area.”
A dozen? Siobhan felt faint. “How- how do we get past them?”
“You don’t. Get rid of the damned light, it hurts my eyes.”
Father hastily did as he was told, shoving the glowing moonstone into a bag. Siobhan blinked in the darkness.
ooooh a crow? What might that be? I would prefer if the main character showed some more umm, relief here for not dying, and wonder at this mysterious savior. I feel like up to this point I've felt pretty much like I was seeing through her eyes, but at this moment I feel a disconnect.
“What do we do, then?” she whispered.
“There’s a shelter close by,” came the answer. “It’s lined with torchblooms. You’ll be safe there for the night. Follow me.” Without waiting, he turned away and stepped off the road, plunging in a darkness so thick and black it looked like tar.
Taige and Siobhan hesitated for a moment. Then Father nodded at her and grabbed their things, and she remembered one of her mother’s sayings.
Crows may be black as night, but they are true shadows cast by light.
Together, holding hands tightly, father and daughter stepped into the inky murk.
Cool little rhyme you got going there. Once again, I do want more from our main character. I want to feel what they're feeling, see what they're seeing!
But that's just my two cents, hope it helped!
All in all, gripping story, and quite interesting. I'm excited to see the next installment.
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew
Points: 34
Reviews: 178
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