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MaybeAndrew
Review

Andrew here with a review! I really thought this chapter was cool, and once again the themes of darkness a corruption on the land really shares a lot of themes with my story... which is kinda weird. But anyway, I'm really enjoying those details and seeing more of this world. I'm not sure what I think of our main character yet, and I'd love to see more of her!
But into specifics!

They stumbled and staggered their way behind the Crow, supporting each other. Siobhan’s eyes had adjusted as best as they could, and she squinted hard at the almost invisible ground to avoid any rocks or pits. The Crow would occasionally glance back at them, and his eyes would glow a soft blue, acting as a guide through the night.

Okay, I'm going to be *that* guy, nobody has ever cared ever, but if someone's eyes glowed, they couldn't see, because all they would see would be their own irises light, it would be like holding a light right against your eye...
BUT LITERALLY, NO ONE CARES AND THIS IS A SUPER COMMON FANTASY TROPE
But I had to say it. So just really ignore this comment.
Eventually, however, Siobhan’s straining vision made out a faint orange light ahead. It brightened the closer they drew to it, a soft shade of beauty illuminating the choking blackness. And then her breath caught.

The ground was covered with hundreds of tiny little flowers, with a single dark path cutting through them. They glowed like a thousand sparks, a steady radiance of comfort. Up ahead she could make out the silhouette of a few rocks. Whatever was behind them was brighter than all the torchblooms around her.

Prettttyyy. I'm always a sucker for glowing stuff. I'd say the only thing that could increase the beauty and vividness of this moment would be more descriptions of everything, what does the forest looked like, how many flowers are there, and most of all, I want to hear more about these rocks. "A few rocks" Is really vague, and makes it hard for me to figure out what's going on. Do you mean a couple of boulders? If so, ones the size of a car? If not, are we saying like little rocks, that is hiding a small source of light? Are these smooth rocks? Ragged? Intentionally placed? Natural and partly in the ground?
Abashed, Siobhan rose and quickly padded towards where the Crow waited. They carried on to the rocks, then she stepped past them and gasped.

This is a bit clunky, and it would be easier to understand with some more of the previously mentioned rock descriptions.
Siobhan had heard from her mother about how in the past, the pollen of torchblooms was compared to tiny specks of light in the night sky known as ‘stars.’ That last part was absurd, but she couldn’t deny the beauty of the glowing flecks as they floated around the rocks and settled on the smaller flowers that carpeted the ground around.

Once again, pretty, and I like star imagery, and you have done a very good job of painting a picture of the torchblooms. I'd just ask, why is the narrator explaining stars to us like they are a foreign concept.
Siobhan looked around uncertainly. She had heard of Kaer Siddi, the supposed stronghold of the Crows… but surely it wasn’t this little camp, beautiful though it may be? The Crows were the harsh-spoken guardians of humankind, a rough and hard people who preferred steel and fire over hearth and home. She could not imagine them gathering in a place like this.

Glad to hear some more about the mysterous crows.
He grunted, then walked away to the edge of the circle of light before plopping down and ruffling through his back. Siobhan could see that his clothes had feathers sewn to the black cotton.

This was a bit confusing to me
A fluffy bundle of cuteness poked its nose at a torchbloom before hopping closer. Siobhan stared, dumbfounded, as the rabbit made its way towards her and jumped onto her lap.

Behind her she heard laughter. The Crow was putting away his bow. His expression of amusement made him seem so much more… human. His eyes were a soft brown, like darkened honey; a human eye colour.

I like this little interaction, though it feels a bit rushed, and the phrase "a fluffy bundle of cuteness" Seems a bit modern and out of place for the style of the text.
Even sheltered by the gorgeous glow of the torchbloom, Siobhan was so high-strung and tense that she lay awake for nearly half an hour, limbs stiff and cold. Her father said nothing, but she knew he was awake. Their backs were pressed together for comfort, and she imagined she could hear his heartbeat. Somehow the thought eased her a little, and she let her eyes drift shut.

Several hours later she woke, limbs even stiffer from sleeping on the hard ground. Her rabbit was dozing in the cleft of her elbow. She was no longer cold, surprisingly, and behind her Taige was snoring softly. Through the heavy darkness of the night, she could hear half-muffled voices.

I would put a *** or something to have a scene cut, or something similar since the falling asleep kinda separates these two parts.
“For a boy his age,” came the growling reply. “Bah! Enough of this. They can stay for the night. On the morrow, make them swear by light that they won’t divulge the location of the camp.”

I am always forgetting to capitalize my propper nouns, so no judgment here, but that should be "the light," Or capitalized if it's a proper noun like "God" or "America."
Siobhan felt a spike of indignance. So that’s why he had made them put away the moonstone? It was smart, there was no denying that; Siobhan’s parents had raised her with proper respect, but many of her fellow humans - even the ones at Spinster’s Grot - would have done almost anything to find this wealth of torchblooms. Most probably they would have ravaged the clearing, carrying off all the flowers to light their homes for a short period. It would have been a waste.

I really like this tension you're building between the protected and the protectors, I think it could make for an interesting plot point. We often are too quick to destroy or distrust the systems which protect us, and vice versa.
Siobhan tried to follow their conversation after that, but she was so tired. More importantly, she was safe. She was a little nervous, admittedly, but Crows did not serve the Wavering. That unnatural darkness was a common enemy to both Crows and Humans.

Cool name.
A splintered spiderweb of black strands criss crossed across the entire sky, blanketing the land in shadow. So it was every day. So it had always been since before Siobhan had been born. Only today, the blackness was thicker. Like congealed blood smeared over the horizon.

Gotta admit, that's cool, and I haven't ready anything with that in it, so original too. I guess that might be why you were weird about stars.
“Truth often isn’t. Ready? Come. I will take you along the road, further north. That is where you were blundering, yes?”

I don't know if this is intentional but the way he speaks makes it sound like english (or whatever tongue they are speaking in) is his second language, which is kinda a cool detail.
“Yes, my-” she stopped herself, swallowing the words. He smirked. That turned into a scowl when she said, “Yes, Hyacinth.”

“Not funny.”

“Don’t describe yourself. No one asked.”

“Siobhan!” Taiga said, aghast. “Don’t speak to him like that!”

“Yes, Siobhan,” the Crow remarked. “Don’t tease your only chance of survival.”

do i sense...... romantic tension?
Also, this one line really communicates that our main character is still a child since it's very immature.
Nothing is certain anymore if even the roads are perilous to travelers. According to Taige, there had been a time when the Sunkissed, devout worshippers of the pale orb in the sky, had ridden the roads between settlements with Infused weapons in hand, bearing torches and moonstone and helping travelers in need. That had been a long time ago, before Gvain the Mad had led hundreds of his followers into the heart of the Wavering, claiming he could destroy it and bathe the world in Sunlight once more.

Hundreds of humans had followed him into the black forests. Hundreds of Weepers, Banshees, and Sluaghs had come out.

The Sunkissed had been banned from three of the cities after that, and remained largely subdued.

Creepy, and definitely cool.
And also weirdly similar to my book in some ways.
Taige murmured a reverent prayer as the darkness melted and a woman of exquisite beauty stood before them. The shock of it was not lost on Siobhan; she had just seen the woman in her other form. That was something very few humans ever saw.

So that's where they get their name. That's cool. But I think this description is a bit rushed.
The female Crow met her eyes. Worry etched her face. “No, child. This branch points directly at the Lumine of Tir Gyalek. The Wavering is trying to extinguish the final Luminescence of this world. A lightless night will begin.”

Creeeepy. I mean I understand like none of those words... but defiantly a cool spot to leave off on, my only fear is that this a bit too early in the story to be faced with *the* big bad. I barely know these characters and whats going on, and you've already threatened the end of the story. Normally that threat doesn't happen until the call to adventure, or sometimes a bit after that.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
I'd say overall this was a really cool chapter, you have a lot of really cool concepts here, I'd just say they are a bit rushed in some places, and I'd enjoy the story more if we slowed down and took our time. You have a novel of space, use it! This also applies to my last comment about how quick like *the* threat is made. Maybe let us settle into the world before threatening the end of it.
But, as I said, really enjoyed the chapter. Tag me when the next one comes out
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew

Hey Andrew,

Thank you so much for the review again! You've pointe dout some great stuff about the pacing, I definitely need to take another look at this chapter.

About the similarities our stories share; I guess that's kinda cool, but I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable? The idea for this setting is original to me, but I wouldn't want anyone to think I plagiarised their work. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way!

The thing about the stars is intentional; they aren't visible anymore, and since the chapter is from her POV she wouldn't know what they are. Hence the explanation!

Hyacinth is just not used to speaking much, especially with humans, but i did intentionally make his lines clipped and not entirely proper.

As for the romantic tension... hehe. No comments. I wouldn't want to spoil anything xD

I don't think I'll be posting the rest of the story (for several reasons) but if you wanted to read it maybe I can work something out!
Thanks again!

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MissGangamash
Review

Hello! Gonna help kick this out of the Green Room!

'bruising the palms of their hands.' - 'of their hands' is redundant.

'...before plopping down and ruffling through his back' - bit confused by this sentence. I thought we meant 'rifling through his backpack' but then I read 'back.'

'The other sounded like gravel poured over rocks; so hoarse it was hardly human.' - I like this description!

Overall, I think this is a cool start to a novel. When writing fantasy I think its always a bit difficult to not be too info dumpy and lose the readers. I can't say I completely followed all the stuff about Weepers and the Wavering and the Sunkissed etc, but I didn't feel lost. I think with more context throughout the story I would be able to grasp it.

You've also done well with not introducing too many characters so early. The staggered interactions also helps the reader follow the story easily.

I would have liked a little more physical description on Hyacinth as he seems to be a very interesting character so I would have liked to have been able to envision him better. If you did that in the previous chapter, I apologise, its been a while!

But overall, cool concept, and happy writing!

Thank you so much for your review! Your points are completely valid, I'll make the edits. :) I'm glad you liked it!

(Hyacinth is described in chapter 1, but like you said it's been a while, heh. It's not much, but here it again:

The light showed a bronze-skinned boy of Siobhan%u2019s age, clad in complete black. Shaggy black hair fell in a careless tumble around his face, stopping a little below his ears. His eyes were pale blue.

Later on he's described in a little more detail by another character, which is why I've left it at this here.)

Once again, thanks!

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SalisRuinen
Review

Hey! Salis here with a review!!

In all honesty, this chapter is the best work of fiction I've read in a while.

You called it a dark fantasy, but I would say this is a dark fantasy epic because of the sense of scale present throughout the text – something I appreaciate very much and need more of.

Every one of the descriptions was extraordinarily well written and created such a vivid idea of the environment in my mind. The names, the objects (torchblooms, moonstones), the races (Crows, Sunkissed, Weepers, Banshees, Sluaghs), all of it – this is worldbuilding at its finest.

My favorite character so far is probably Hyacinth and the Crows are what intrugues me the most. I enjoy how annoyed and rude he is with Siobhan and her father except for rare occasions where he treats them a bit nicer. His overall sullen demeanour is very captivating and completely justified in my opinion. Being a guardian of this world that is constantly threatened by darkness is no easy task and although he's still young, he has clearly seen his fair share of horror and pain.

The torchbloom field was a very mesmerizing place. It felt like a sanctuary where beauty was still preserved amid a world in turmoil and existed in such stark contrast with the surrounding environment. I was reluctant to leave it behind to get back on the road with the characters

The meeting of the Crows' three while Siobhan was supposed to be sleeping showed the tension between their race and the humans, which hopefully won't escalate in time but rather they will find a way to unite. It won't be pleasant for either side but I believe it will be necessary if they are to ensure their survival.

The tale of the past about the Sunkissed and Gvain the Mad was an excellent addition to give a better idea of how the world had reached its current state. It also made the Wavering seem that much more terrifying and a bigger threat, which was strengthened further by the chapter's final paragraph. Suddenly the main source of light in the world is in danger of being consumed by the darkness and what will follow is ...?!

Thank you so much for the chapter and keep on writing!

Thank you so much for your wonderful review! It made my day. :D If you're interested in reading a bit more, I had put up the first chapter a while back:

A Murder of Crows: 1

I'm not sure if you've read it already, but it might throw a little more light on the worldbuilding (pun unintended haha).

A quick clarification, though: the Sunkissed are actually a group of religious humans, not a separate race. The Crows are the only other race. The other names mentioned are different kinds of monsters. My bad for not making that clear, although I think it's been laid out a little more clearly in the chapters that follow. I am yet to put them up, though.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to review this piece! I'm really glad you liked it! <3



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— Plato