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Andrew here with a review! I really thought this chapter was cool, and once again the themes of darkness a corruption on the land really shares a lot of themes with my story... which is kinda weird. But anyway, I'm really enjoying those details and seeing more of this world. I'm not sure what I think of our main character yet, and I'd love to see more of her!
But into specifics!
Okay, I'm going to be *that* guy, nobody has ever cared ever, but if someone's eyes glowed, they couldn't see, because all they would see would be their own irises light, it would be like holding a light right against your eye...
BUT LITERALLY, NO ONE CARES AND THIS IS A SUPER COMMON FANTASY TROPE
But I had to say it. So just really ignore this comment.
Prettttyyy. I'm always a sucker for glowing stuff. I'd say the only thing that could increase the beauty and vividness of this moment would be more descriptions of everything, what does the forest looked like, how many flowers are there, and most of all, I want to hear more about these rocks. "A few rocks" Is really vague, and makes it hard for me to figure out what's going on. Do you mean a couple of boulders? If so, ones the size of a car? If not, are we saying like little rocks, that is hiding a small source of light? Are these smooth rocks? Ragged? Intentionally placed? Natural and partly in the ground?
This is a bit clunky, and it would be easier to understand with some more of the previously mentioned rock descriptions.
Once again, pretty, and I like star imagery, and you have done a very good job of painting a picture of the torchblooms. I'd just ask, why is the narrator explaining stars to us like they are a foreign concept.
Glad to hear some more about the mysterous crows.
This was a bit confusing to me
I like this little interaction, though it feels a bit rushed, and the phrase "a fluffy bundle of cuteness" Seems a bit modern and out of place for the style of the text.
I would put a *** or something to have a scene cut, or something similar since the falling asleep kinda separates these two parts.
I am always forgetting to capitalize my propper nouns, so no judgment here, but that should be "the light," Or capitalized if it's a proper noun like "God" or "America."
I really like this tension you're building between the protected and the protectors, I think it could make for an interesting plot point. We often are too quick to destroy or distrust the systems which protect us, and vice versa.
Cool name.
Gotta admit, that's cool, and I haven't ready anything with that in it, so original too. I guess that might be why you were weird about stars.
I don't know if this is intentional but the way he speaks makes it sound like english (or whatever tongue they are speaking in) is his second language, which is kinda a cool detail.
do i sense...... romantic tension?
Also, this one line really communicates that our main character is still a child since it's very immature.
Creepy, and definitely cool.
And also weirdly similar to my book in some ways.
So that's where they get their name. That's cool. But I think this description is a bit rushed.
Creeeepy. I mean I understand like none of those words... but defiantly a cool spot to leave off on, my only fear is that this a bit too early in the story to be faced with *the* big bad. I barely know these characters and whats going on, and you've already threatened the end of the story. Normally that threat doesn't happen until the call to adventure, or sometimes a bit after that.
But that's all just my two cents, hope it helped!
I'd say overall this was a really cool chapter, you have a lot of really cool concepts here, I'd just say they are a bit rushed in some places, and I'd enjoy the story more if we slowed down and took our time. You have a novel of space, use it! This also applies to my last comment about how quick like *the* threat is made. Maybe let us settle into the world before threatening the end of it.
But, as I said, really enjoyed the chapter. Tag me when the next one comes out
Thanks, and keep writing,
Andrew
Hey Andrew,
Thank you so much for the review again! You've pointe dout some great stuff about the pacing, I definitely need to take another look at this chapter.
About the similarities our stories share; I guess that's kinda cool, but I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable? The idea for this setting is original to me, but I wouldn't want anyone to think I plagiarised their work. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way!
The thing about the stars is intentional; they aren't visible anymore, and since the chapter is from her POV she wouldn't know what they are. Hence the explanation!
Hyacinth is just not used to speaking much, especially with humans, but i did intentionally make his lines clipped and not entirely proper.
As for the romantic tension... hehe. No comments. I wouldn't want to spoil anything xD
I don't think I'll be posting the rest of the story (for several reasons) but if you wanted to read it maybe I can work something out!
Thanks again!
Hello! Gonna help kick this out of the Green Room!
'bruising the palms of their hands.' - 'of their hands' is redundant.
'...before plopping down and ruffling through his back' - bit confused by this sentence. I thought we meant 'rifling through his backpack' but then I read 'back.'
'The other sounded like gravel poured over rocks; so hoarse it was hardly human.' - I like this description!
Overall, I think this is a cool start to a novel. When writing fantasy I think its always a bit difficult to not be too info dumpy and lose the readers. I can't say I completely followed all the stuff about Weepers and the Wavering and the Sunkissed etc, but I didn't feel lost. I think with more context throughout the story I would be able to grasp it.
You've also done well with not introducing too many characters so early. The staggered interactions also helps the reader follow the story easily.
I would have liked a little more physical description on Hyacinth as he seems to be a very interesting character so I would have liked to have been able to envision him better. If you did that in the previous chapter, I apologise, its been a while!
But overall, cool concept, and happy writing!
Thank you so much for your review! Your points are completely valid, I'll make the edits.
I'm glad you liked it!
(Hyacinth is described in chapter 1, but like you said it's been a while, heh. It's not much, but here it again:
Later on he's described in a little more detail by another character, which is why I've left it at this here.)
Once again, thanks!
Hey! Salis here with a review!!
In all honesty, this chapter is the best work of fiction I've read in a while.
You called it a dark fantasy, but I would say this is a dark fantasy epic because of the sense of scale present throughout the text – something I appreaciate very much and need more of.
Every one of the descriptions was extraordinarily well written and created such a vivid idea of the environment in my mind. The names, the objects (torchblooms, moonstones), the races (Crows, Sunkissed, Weepers, Banshees, Sluaghs), all of it – this is worldbuilding at its finest.
My favorite character so far is probably Hyacinth and the Crows are what intrugues me the most. I enjoy how annoyed and rude he is with Siobhan and her father except for rare occasions where he treats them a bit nicer. His overall sullen demeanour is very captivating and completely justified in my opinion. Being a guardian of this world that is constantly threatened by darkness is no easy task and although he's still young, he has clearly seen his fair share of horror and pain.
The torchbloom field was a very mesmerizing place. It felt like a sanctuary where beauty was still preserved amid a world in turmoil and existed in such stark contrast with the surrounding environment. I was reluctant to leave it behind to get back on the road with the characters
The meeting of the Crows' three while Siobhan was supposed to be sleeping showed the tension between their race and the humans, which hopefully won't escalate in time but rather they will find a way to unite. It won't be pleasant for either side but I believe it will be necessary if they are to ensure their survival.
The tale of the past about the Sunkissed and Gvain the Mad was an excellent addition to give a better idea of how the world had reached its current state. It also made the Wavering seem that much more terrifying and a bigger threat, which was strengthened further by the chapter's final paragraph. Suddenly the main source of light in the world is in danger of being consumed by the darkness and what will follow is ...?!
Thank you so much for the chapter and keep on writing!
Thank you so much for your wonderful review! It made my day.
If you're interested in reading a bit more, I had put up the first chapter a while back:
A Murder of Crows: 1
I'm not sure if you've read it already, but it might throw a little more light on the worldbuilding (pun unintended haha).
A quick clarification, though: the Sunkissed are actually a group of religious humans, not a separate race. The Crows are the only other race. The other names mentioned are different kinds of monsters. My bad for not making that clear, although I think it's been laid out a little more clearly in the chapters that follow. I am yet to put them up, though.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to review this piece! I'm really glad you liked it! <3