Avery sat on the rocky shore contemplating her reflection in the surface of the lake. I've actually done it. She could hardly believe it. Her heavy armor clanked as she shifted. It had been a risky endeavor, but she had successfully deceived everyone into believing she was a man. There had been only a handful of of people that knew her true gender, and she had depended on them to keep her out of danger. Now, she had completed her training and was made a knight. She studied the reflection of her face in the water. Dark circles surrounded her tired eyes, but her skin was smooth and luminous. At eighteen, most of her friend's faces had become hairy and gruff. Avery wondered if her silky skin would soon betray her.
With an enervated sigh, she rose to her feet and stretched her stiff limbs. As she did so, an eerie ringing resonated through the air and seemed to come from the placid waters. As if in a trance, Avery began to move towards the source of the sound, letting that water rush under her armor and fill her leather boots as the noise drew her in.
Suddenly she felt herself being pulled down into the deep water. With a terrified scream, she struggled to keep her head above the surface. The murky water washed over her face, filling her nose and mouth as she fought for air. She desperately tried to free herself, but the heavy armor only drained her body of strength and pulled her further down. This is where it ends, she thought, after all these years struggling to get where I am- it will have been for nothing. She was nearly out of breath when one of her attackers spoke.
"Sister, I think it is a woman." Avery was released for a moment before she felt herself being pulled back to the surface. She filled her burning lungs with cool air before gazing at the two nymphs who were contemplating her with curiously. Their skin was pale, their eyes dreamy and seductive, and their lips plump and inviting.
"A woman in armor?" one said in a low and melodious voice. The other placed her palm beneath Avery's jaw and turned her head to the side as she examined her.
"It would seem so. Her face is too lovely to belong to a man."
When she had caught her breathe, Avery shouted, "Let me go!"
The second nymph traced her finger over Avery's bottom lip. "What do you think, Nyrie? Shall we let her go?"
"It would be cruel of us not to!" Nyrie said with a devious smile. The tow sisters then released Avery.
With a flash of panic, Avery felt the heavy armor begin to pull her back down into the depths. "No!" she cried before she sank below the surface. An instant later the nymphs had pulled her back up.
"What's wrong? The she-knight can't swim?" One teased.
The other, laughing heartily, said, "Oh Para, we should not be so cruel to the poor beast." To Avery she said, "Tell me how did a woman become a knight? We've only encountered men in such armor."
"I disguised myself as a man," Avery said, a slight tremble in her voice.
"Oh? And you were not caught?"
"It would be a shame to kill her, Nyrie." The one called Para said. "She is quite the oddity and I admit I think I'm rather fond of her. She's one of a kind, is she not?"
Nyrie gazed at Avery thoughtfully. "Fine," she said, "But you now owe your life to us. I suppose a knight should be honor bound to repay us, wouldn't she? Am I correct?"
"Y-yes!" Avery said.
"Good." satisfied, the sisters dragged Avery to the shore. "Now, you'll be sure to come back and repay us, won't you?"
Coughing as she untangled the lily pads and vines from her legs, Avery nodded warily.
The nymphs retreated back into the water, leaving Avery to stand in shock over what had happened. She began to trudge away dejectedly. Sure that her armor was ruined and that no one would believe her story, she dreaded her return to the barracks. As for paying the nymphs back; she had no such intention. Little did she know, nymphs have their ways.
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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Very good, very creative. few things though, first off, why is she in drag? I know this is a short but what is her reason for becoming a knight? The only spelling mistake I found was
"It would be cruel of us not too!" it should be "to". That's all.
Oh my god I'm very intrigued by this story. Please continue it so I may procrastinate by reading it.
Loving the challenging of the gender roles, and the slightly seductive nymphs (or is that just a vibe I got from them). I'm more than interested in knowing what kind of favour the sisters have in mind for the knight, as well as what Avery herself wishes to do.
Great work, and keep on writing
Thanks so much, I will try to add more to it
In the wonderful words of Nine - Fantastic! I absolutely love anything fantasy-related. Nymphs, dragons, princes, armor, dragons, dragons, dragons... I love it all! I really like it. It does seem like it could be extended, either to be a longer short story or something with chapters. Either way, I'm sure it would be wonderful. I like the mischievousness of the Nymphs. Nymphs are - after dragons - are my favorite mythical creatures. Well done!
Thank you
Hi, I'm BookWolf!
I found this short story to be pretty cool. I've always liked stories with girls dressing up as men because women weren't aloud to do something. To me it shows determination. But one of the flaws I saw was that Avery didn't really have much emotion. Things just happened and you never really described the well she felt.
I really enjoyed the nymphs though. I find myself attracted to devious characters, that can be very cruel, yet merciful at the same time. To me it almost seemed that the nymphs had more emotion than your main character, which shouldn't be at all.
Over all though your story was quite interesting and it just needs a few adjustments.
Bye!
Thank you so much ^^
Ok, I'm finally reviewing something so ksjdbglkasdjbglasdkjbglksjbg
Anywho, as for the story itself, I liked it, it started out interesting, and I like that I honestly didn't know what was happening when she was first pulled into the water. The nymphs are stereotypical nymphs in terms of being deceiving and a bit devious, which isn't bad, it actually means you know something about the mythology of a nymph.
Now pointers and what not.
First and foremost: WHERE IS THIS PICTURE
If you want us to understand, show us the picture that gave you the inspiration to write this. Without it, you're leaving us hanging. Just sayin'
Please break up that first block of a paragraph. It makes your story look top heavy, as there's a big block at the top, the the rest is pretty evened out and limited. You can still give the same detail and whatnot, but I suggest finding a way to make it so that the look of it is a bit more balanced (Does that make sense?)
Avery herself doesn't really have a personality. It feels like the image of knight is what you're trying to put as her personality, but I'm guessing that there is more to her than that. I mean, you have a girl dressed up as a guy, this chick must have some wackiness in her somewhere. Is she headstrong? Are there any things within her girl self that she still does, like play with her hair or get emotional on certain topics? Is she prideful? Is she a tomboy? Does she have any weird quirks? Is she courageous? If yes, how vast is it? Is she brave enough to just take on a guy on a horse, or can she take on a F***ing dragon without flinching?
There are SOOOO many things you need to think about before you try to write a character's dialogue.
I'm aware that this was just a trial run, but even so, you need to give Avery some juice! Don't just go with the stereotype because that's boring! develop child, DEVELOP!
Same with the nymphs, DEVELOP
Yes, they are perfect stereotype nymphs, but that's been done so many times!
I have an idea, one you may use if you wish: Try having one of the nymphs be unique, while keeping one a stereotype.
Let me explain: Making both a stereotype is boring, while making both unique can lose the original mythology. By making one develop into a unique character while keeping one a stereotype works best because then you can work with the idea of old vs. new, myth vs. reality, tradition vs. vision, so on and so forth.
It's kinda like Ramses and Moses in Prince of Egypt, you get amazing drama through the two of them colliding due to both of them following different ideas: one following tradition while the other is following what is right. Not only does that make it interesting, but it makes both characters identifiable with the audience.
That's basically it, I hope you think over what I said, and nicely done!
See you!
~Maddie
Yeah I have it all more detailed in my head, i just typed this up pretty quickly so i wouldn't forget it. I'll add more details eventually. Even though I didn't show it in this, Avery is one of my favorite characters from my stories
so I owe it to her to add more.
I loved your story! It kind of reminded me of Mulan in the beginning (you know disguising herself as a boy to become a soldier). But I thought that your writing was really good, and the story was very exciting. I didn't now what was going to happen next! I don't know anything about nymphs, other than they are small water fairy like things, I think... but know I know that they (or at least some of them) are pretty nasty. I also liked how you based it off of an artwork. I just wanted to know, what artwork is this based off of? Keep writing stories like this, I'll read them!
Thank you so much, it makes me so happy you liked it! The artwork...I can't find it at the moment and I've forgotten the artist's name but if I come across it again I will post the link
Hello,
Your story is very engaging and it is a fun read. Knowing and having to do several reports on the nymphs, I understand their story. It would be a little better to add more of a back story to the nymphs, and how they are. The nymphs conversation mentions that one fond of original things. This could have been talked about a little more, like past experiences, how they treated men, and how merciless they can be. I like the fact that you gave the nymphs a sense of mercy, but not too much that it made the story tedious. I also like how you described the story, and it gave me a perfect picture of what was going on. The way that you made the main character imperfect was very good, but I wished I would see the nymphs slip up and do something stupid. Overall this was a great piece, and their is room for a sequel, but it ended in a good spot. Good Job
~PCA
Thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed it
Hello LittleFox!
I found this really really cool, knowing the mythology about nymphs. But in what I've read, they always seem to be heartless creatures that would drown just for the fun of it. I like your twist where they're creepy, but, in a sense, not heartless. Avery seems really cool, resembling what a girl might have strove to do way back when, like some in more recent times, and even before that for that matter. I think you should elongate it, include where Avery has to repay the Nymphs. Just think about it.
~Kelpies.
Thank you
I think I may give it a pert 2 in the future.
Hi there,
This was a great story! You caught my attention. What did that was at the beginning it said that there was a women pretending to be a man. I think that will catch most readers attention, as it did to mine. Great Job!
Positives
-The story was just the right amount for a short story.
-I liked the plot of the story, it captures the readers attention fairly easy.
-I liked in the beginning how you described the clanking of her armor.
Negatives
-You could of described more of what she was feeling when drowning.
-Describe maybe the background of the Nymphs.
That's all I have for the negatives, I think that this was great, and that this is one of those stories that should be kept short. I hope to hear more from you soon.
~cassaundra~
Thank you so much