I pull out my little book from my jacket pocket,
And open to a crisp new page,
Which softens with the fall of rain.
Then I pull out my pen from its sheath,
And click its top thrice to begin,
To write my masterpiece once again.
“This one will be better than ever,” I say,
And I scribble down the words,
And then ink just splotches on the page.
And the words are lost as soon as they appear,
Disperse with the falling drops,
But I keep moving towards the end.
And I finish up with a final dot,
And look at my page in disarray,
But perhaps it’s better this way.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Interesting poem. I myself am a poet and love looking at different views of poetry. Your really caught my attention.
Hullo, Hawk!
This is cute. The problem, is, though, you should narrate every step like "I pull out my book"; these narrative phrases hold your poem back from reaching its full potential, and it's straining to do so. You should minimize your usage of them, dear, and focus on getting your message out without the extra narration.
Also! Don't worry about rhyme; though some say that poem without rhyme is the greatest crime, it's not -- honestly, focus on writing your heart out, instead of twisting your thoughts into rhyme.
June
Hey there Lite! Shauni's here, pleasure to meet you!
Right, so, I'm not the best one to review poems. Actually, I suck but I think we all should get a review for different points of view.
I like the flow, it's decent but I don't think this is dramatic poetry. I'd have posted on Lyric. I also like the message but as well, doesn't look dramatic to me.
Yeah, I know, what a crappy review...
Keep posting!
Best wishes
Shauni
I like it. I can imagine myself there in the rain, wishing to write something deep and meaningful. But it just comes out as a mess of words staining a once pure page. Good job on that. My only real critique is your punctuation.
Typically, you would punctuate poetry just as you would prose. SO if you were to write this out in paragraph form you'd put the commas and periods only were they were necessary. I kind of felt like you overused the commas, which interupted the flow of the poem. Also, typically, you don't capitalise a word unless it is a proper noun or follows after a period, exclamation point or question mark. Since every line is capitalised I'd suggest fixing this, so that only those following a period are capitalised.
Good job on your first freeform, I thought it was well written.