Critic and Writer

Hey there! June here!

I admit that the color was a bit of a distraction, haha, and even though that's got nothing to do with the words, I recommend refraining from coloring your words, dear.

The critic sounds like me.


I think you have an endless sky of potential with this, but I'm afraid I can still rip the "You can do better!" line here -- the rhyme, for the most part, carried on fluently in the first poems, but I do think there were more than a few spots where the rhyme was pressing too hard, and that should be remedied! Read this aloud, dear, and make sure that the lines ease into each other without any awkward stops halting this. Chances are, if it's fluent to you, your audience will appreciate it.

I like how you kept the language in both poems parallel. In fact, I like your word choice, for the most part, I don't feel that it was the best wording in all places, but that's how writing goes. You did well here; I congratulate you on writing a rhyming poem that's not only consistent, but clever, and I look forward to reading more from you.

June

I agree that this has a choppy rhyming scheme and too much punctuation...poetry really doesn't need so much punctuation. It's unnecessary. The rhyme isn't forced, but it does make it more awkward to read. Instead of making four lines all rhyme it might be better to have an abab or aabb rhyme scheme instead of aaaa. It would be smoother and a better poem. But good job. With a little work, this could be a very good poem.

Hey there Litehawk! I loved your poem. The rhyming was nice and reasonable, unlike some others with nonsense lines forced to rhyme.

As others already mentioned, just use plain black text. It's easier to read that way.

What I love about it is how you put it into words. It nicely shows the hopes and thoughts of each the Writer and the Critic.

There isn't much to critique. Yet, I thought this is an outstanding poem.

Overall, I liked the idea of the poem. It needs some structural work in the "writer" section. and you have WAAAAY to much punctuation. Poetry is not a book that you press the enter key after every comma.

Best of luck with new experiences on YWS.

Look forward to seeing the updated copy.

I enjoyed the poetry about the Critique, but I think you need to perfect the Writer stanzas.

Also, like the others I'd suggest posting in black and white, use colours for author's notes, etc.

I couldn't read your poem because of the colours.

If you want a reader to take the time to critique and help you with your work, it's appreciated if you post the words simply as they are.

There's an argument that you could be using graphology to alter the meaning of the two parts of the poem, but since I see no reason for using red and purple for critic and writer respectively, I'll have to assume it was just arbitrary.

And like I try to tell everybody, you don't need to use really basic rhyming schemes! If anything it makes it cringeworthy and cheesy.

I like the concept. I like how you showed us the two very different opinions of these two very different people.

What I don't like is the rhyming scheme, and mostly the writing itself.
-I don't like how when I read it, the rhyming made it very choppy and hard to read. I also felt like I was reading a children's book. You know, one of those ones where every line ends in the same sound?

-I don't like how there are no poetic phrases. You are telling me things someone would say in an interview. So, instead of saying

Although I wish I could be poetic,

This is an interesting subject, and I like how you separated the viewpoints of the Writer and the Critic. Another thing I liked is how you start each section with the same question: "Oh what do we have here today?" That said, could you choose colors that are easier to read? The red is very bright and makes my eyes hurt while the light purple blends in with the gray background of the post; a darker shade of each of the colors would be easier to read, I feel. Also, why are they both colored in the first place?

Your punctuation was inconsistent, and that threw me off. Decide whether or not you will follow punctuation conventions; in the case of this poem, I think following the conventions would work best.

Another thing that caught my attention was the uneven rhythm throughout the poem. Since you're rhyming, having a consistent rhythm pattern is important, and yet, just when you have a rhythm established, there's a line that's a touch too long or too short. The last line of the first stanza is an example of this.

This is interesting...i never really thought about the different thoughts until i read this...GREAT JOB!