Published January 29, 2010
Sickness to insanity
I question my humanity.
My decaying family,
Is all but what remains.
-
Knifes into my weakened mind
On excavations set to find
All that we had left behind.
How you turned out this way.
-
Quiet and so pensively
I try to think as sensibly,
How can I make sense of thee?
When underground you lay.
-
No headstones will mark your place,
They won't recognize your face,
I'll be gone without a trace
As your body rots away.
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This poem was disturbing for me on many levels but I also thought it was very interesting and detailed. I loved your rhyming scheme but some of the things you say doesnt make sense. This poem has no moral and I dont even understand what this is about. I did like it though to an extent(:.
Try not to revive old topics unless the Author has asked for further help because it may well be the case that your review won't be seen by the Author. Note that this was submitted in January.
Sickness to insanity
I question my humanity.
My decaying family,
Is all but what remains.
-
Knifes into my weakened mind
On excavations set to find
All that we had left behind.
How you turned out this way.
-
Quiet and so pensively
I try to think as sensibly,
How can I make sense of thee?
When underground you lay.
-
No headstones will mark your place,
They won't recognize your face,
I'll be gone without a trace
As your body rots away.
I really like this poem, it really gets the point across and the rhythm is perfect. It's a great poem and besides the punctuation errors that have already been pointed out it's almost flawless. Being one that doesn't believe in anything flawless I cannot say that it is such, but to me this poem is perfect.
I like this poem a lot. It has some awesome wording and some consistent flow.
Keep up the good work
some brilliant wording there, i love the way it is just there in front of you, easy to understand despite a lot of very deep sections, and some really nice rhyming techniques, that make it sound amazing. I know that I haven't given you much constructive criticism, but i cant really think of any ways you could improve.
Hello! I really like this poem. Your rhyming scheme is different and interesting, and I think that's what I like most about it. It's also a bit creepy, especially the last stanza. I don't really like the word "thee" being in there - it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem, but I understand that you used it to keep in the rhyming scheme. I think "lay" should be "lie", so that it's present tense, not past. It flowed well, and is well-written, so good job.
Hello! I'm going to begin by saying that it is quite a nice poem, but things stumble with the punctuation and meter. For example, the latter third line of the first stanza should not lead into the fourth with a comma. It disrupts flow of an otherwise decent phrase.
The second stanza also needs tweaking; seeing "knifes" made me wonder if you meant the plural form of the weapon; but if you mean it as a verb, then I suggest you find a substitute. The final line of this stanza is a fragment and is also a bit confusing. Is it meant to be a question? A statement? Again, just little things here.
Third stanza was fine, but to use "thee" as a rhyming agent is logical... until one realizes that "you" is present everywhere else.
Fourth stanza would also have worked, if not for the commas tacked onto the end of the first two lines.
There should be more of a "stop–light" punctuation symbol involved.
I did mention that meter was a bit of an issue, but I have a feeling that it will be solved/improved if you concentrate on the punctuation. However, I want to stress that this was enjoyable to read. The theme reminded me a bit of Wuthering Heights... cemeteries and grim characters tend to rouse that image in my mind.
See you around. Thanks for sharing this with us.
–antimelrose
Hey. Can't really critique a stunning piece of originality such as this. I mean you haven't gone wrong anywhere. There's constant fluency and punches of imagery and its individual. It's different. I thoroughly enjoyed this so i hope you carry on writing, Ben.
Wow, such a powerful poem LighHawk!
I really like these lines. They are the most powerful in your entire poem. A very nice start.
I don't really get this. I think you should write it like: "Is all that remains."
because your family is all but what remains, well, that doesn't say much. If you are trying to say that without you, the your family is just... a family, then you need to specify that.
I love how you don't outright say "You are dead, I bury you now." You show it to us by lines like these. Great lines, I might add.
Aww, why? Please explain this if you revise the poem.
You also need to clarify why you are going away. You are not the one being buried, so why are you gone?
You are an amazing poet. Keep writing.
Classy
I really liked this. I'm not sure what it was, but it really caught my interest and right away.
The only thing I didn't particularly like was the last line. It seemed too harsh and less poetic than the rest. It doesn't fit to me.
Otherwise, I absolutely loved this. The flow, to me, was nearly flawless. Nice job.