You Don't Love Me

This piece means a lot to me... I just dealt with a similar situation in the past few months. I dated a guy for two and a half years... and he did the same thing to me over and over again. It was painful and unfair and cruel... and it was the worst possible feeling that I can think of; being left by choice. And then he'd come back again saying the same thing, the same routine. It hurt a lot... and if this is a personal situation I have total sympathy and I can relate, and if not, I'm glad you showed this view point. If I would change anything.. I think that a description on how they're acting physically would be good. You describe a little, but it might need a little more. From personal experience... every time I see him or hear his name, my stomach clenches and I feel sick and angry and sad... and it's horrible. But thanks for writing this piece, its nice to think that somewhere in the world, other people have seen or experienced the same things I have.

I think you will get farther with this story if you explain more. I read in one of the comments that you said that this is something your going through, so you should know all the details. Personally, that's what I want to hear. When your character says something, act like it would actually be YOU saying it. What would you say, or what would you not say? If this is a story that is based on yourself, make it the most realistic that you can, so that people can relate EVEN MORE and enjoy. Remember that some things get cliche very quickly. After the smirk was used in Twilight, it seems like everyone likes to use it. Instead, maybe explain dimples in his cheeks, or something quirky and cute that would be a feature that you, yourself would admire. Other than that, great job! And keep writing

This was very interesting. I can totally relate. I still wanted some background on the characters though. Like the other times he said I love you. and i think they should have names it will make it more personable. Other than that really good job. Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey there!

I agree with the other reviews that some of the dialogue seems a bit forced and awkward. If she really loved him, even though he doesn't love her, it would still hurt her to tell him she doesn't love him. She seems too matter of fact about it. She should be breaking down inside.

I'd also like to see more emotion. More thoughts. More descriptions of facial expressions and how things are said. It'll help make the story come to life and it'll enable the reader to picture what's happening a little better.

I do like your writing though. It kept my interest the whole way through

I have unanswered questions though; How does she know he doesn't love her? What horrible things has he done to her in the past? - Cheated? Lied? The story is lacking in background and it's that reason that I felt unable to sympathise with the MC. If I'd read about how he'd cheated on her with her best friend for example, then it'd make me sad to see her lying to him, but then I'd be happy for her as I'd know that she was doing the right thing by dumping him.

I also noticed that your tenses waver around the middle of the piece. You start the story off in present tense and then you suddenly switch to past tense.

"I love you." Those words. He said them again. And my resolve melted just a little bit, and I wanted to believe him again, just a little bit. "I mean it this time. I love you."

I whispered

I felt the

Pushing that thought to the back of my mind, I push forward

I love this piece!
Mostly because I've been in a situation like this before, ad it hit close to home. I think you did a good job kind of developing the character: I see her as a girl who wants to be loved but has scars on her heart, kind of thing. I really like how you made her stronger in the end of it. I also think this really has to be drawn out more:
What kind of pain did he put her through?
Did he cheat?
Why does she still love him? What does she love about him?
Also try giving your characters names, it might help readers visualize the situation.

Keep writing please!
--Ash

Hey there! I'm Pink and I'll be reviewing this for you today. ^__^

First of all, I think you should lengthen this a bit because it feels kind of short at the moment. More emotion and background would be nice. I want to know what kind of past he's been through to keep him from 'loving anyone' and what kind of personality he had that hurt her so much. :c

Another thing, the part where she tells him all these emotional things seems kind of forced and awkward. Normally, I don't see these words coming out of someone's lips when they're placed in this sort of situation. I'm sure it depends on character though, but since this was short it's hard to tell what type of person she is in just a few words.

Overall, if you added some more back story, an explanation of the previous events that took place and some more description, this could be a sad short story that I would enjoy to read a little more. Keep writing and if you have any questions just pop me a message. ^^

All the best,
-Shear

Hey,

My thoughts are bolded.

"I love you."

His words stop me in my tracks. What does he think he's doing? He has no right to tell me that. No right at all. But...The elipse isn't needed and I'm pretty sure that's not grammatically correct either.

"No you don't." I say the words, knowing they'll hurt him. But, why should I care? He's hurt me far worse before.

"Yes I do." Persistent bastard. I liked that 'persistent bastard' bit "I really do. I love you." I act like I didn't hear him and start to walk away, carrying my school books in front of me like a shield. "Wait!" He grabs my arm and I stop, silently panicking. What do I do?! "Please, believe me this time. I love you."

I stand there, trying to block out his words. Oh, but they sound so sweet and wonderful! I love you. Did he really say that? Yes, of course he did. There was no one else in the classroom but us, so it had to have been him. Or a memory. Love it

"I love you." Those words. He said them again. And my resolve melted just a little bit, and I wanted to believe him again, just a little bit. "I mean it this time. I love you."

But then I am brought back to reality. I mean it this time. I love you. The 'I mean it this time. I love you' should be italized. How many times before had he said that? How many times had I believed him? Too many. Too many times I had been taken in by his sweet words and charming personality and disarming crooked smile. Not liking the crooked smile bit. It's sort of cliche considering every male love interest seems to have this one feature.

"No." I whispered the word, but I felt the hand on my arm loosen in surprise and shock. Good. Maybe this time it will sink into his thick skull that I don't want this anymore. Maybe he'll get it this time that I mean it when I say I'm done. "No. No you don't." My voice is a little louder this time, a little fuller with new found confidence. I like that entire paragraph

"You don't love me and you never did." But I loved you and still do. I choke a little as the words flash in my mind. No. I can't tell him that. I can't tell anyone that. Pushing that thought to the back of my mind, I push forward, wanting to hurt him as he had hurt me. "You don't love me. You don't love anyone. You can't love anyone."

"What?" He's completely taken aback by what I've said and I look up at him, a sad sort of smile lighting my face. "What does that mean, I can't love anyone?"

"You haven't faced your past yet; you haven't allowed your wounds to heal. All you did was cover them up and hope no one would notice that you're hurting on the inside. But honey The honey sounds extremely awkward, like something a mother would say or a lady at the hair dresser," I drop my books and lay a hand on his arm, my green eyes searching his brown ones for understanding. "I see it. And you can't really love anyone until you've faced your past and allowed yourself to heal. But..." I swallow reflexively, blinking away the tears that are threatening to fall. "It doesn't matter. You never really loved me anyway." This entire paragraph seems extremely awkward to me. I couldn't see anyone saying this to their ex. It's too scientific, too pyschological to me

"That..." He's grasping for words as I pick up my books and slowly begin to walk away. "Wait!" He calls, reaching out a hand towards me, "I love you."

"No honey,Awkward honey again. you don't." My smile is sad as I walk away, leaving him alone in the classroom, gaping after me. I love you. But you'll never know that. As the thought crosses my mind, I can feel my heart breaking as silent tears begin to roll down my cheeks. I've always hated the walking away with tears rolling down my face description. It seems too obvious, too fast, too real and way too dramatic. I really don't like the way this ended.

Heyya!
Very good grammar, for the most part. The only thing I found was...

Oh but they sound so sweet and wonderful

SmylinG wrote:I liked this a lot. Was it purely fictional? Or was this something you went through? Either way, I like your realistic perspective on writing this. I think you could use a little work in the area of character diologue though. Sometimes less is more. When I read some of your diologue, it didn't sound very natural. Maybe that's something you could work on tweaking a little. Good job though.

I liked this a lot. Was it purely fictional? Or was this something you went through? Either way, I like your realistic perspective on writing this. I think you could use a little work in the area of character diologue though. Sometimes less is more. When I read some of your diologue, it didn't sound very natural. Maybe that's something you could work on tweaking a little. Good job though.