In the beginning of the New World, there were only two creatures. Two dragons. Kalashein, Goddess of the Moon. And Morako, God of the Sun. The pair were lonely in their New World, and so they decided to create more beings to populate the lands. Humans were first. Morako gave them his fire, Kalashein gave them her understanding. Next came the Elves. To them Morako gave his love of life, Kalashein gave them her secrets. They also made other creatures. Animals for the Humans and Elves to hunt, to take care of, and to be wary of. Finally, the first Dragons were born. Morako and Kalashein gave them the task of watching over all the other creatures. When they were done, the great pair, the First Dragons, named their new world Alanmeir. Satisfied with their work, they ascended to the heavens, where they were made into constellations. But in their absence, a new power rose. A darkness that descended over all of the Dragons. A powerful enemy rose up from the depths, and the creatures of Morako and Kalashein named him Paficeit. Under his rule, the Humans and Elves were made into slaves, with the exception of those that chose to join him. While he raided and plundered the many villages that dotted the landscape, and enslaved the Dragons that he could find, or enslave and bend to his will, a small band of rebels gathered in the Forest of Yanin. This group included runaway slaves of all races, and those few Dragons that were able to escape the notice of Paficeit. As the rebels grew, so did their army. Soon a war erupted between those loyal to the new lord, and those that prayed for the day when Morako and Kalashein would come back.
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Name Pronunciations:
Names are pronounced: Kalashein (cala-sheen) Morako (more-ak-oh) Paficeit (pah-fi-seat) Alanmeir (Alan-meer)
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Note:
This is a beginning I wrote for a role-playing thread I created on another site. I showed this to my mother and she suggested I expand upon it. I would, but I want to know what everyone else thinks before I do. Do you like it so far? Or should I just leave it as a beginning for a role-play? I welcome your critiques. 
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy it appears we've got quite the creation story here. Now as it stands it actually does flow well and kind of work despite being without any paraphing but I would honestly still recommend for ease of reading if nothing else because this is quite a lot and it does get a little bit hard to follow as you read especially towards the middle there.
Now besides that little issue there, we've got ourselves a pretty neat little bit of a world being built here. It is a bit along the lines of most other stories out there especially in the realms of fantasy, but I think there's a decent touch of a unique bit here and there that it works out okay. At any rate, it seemed just about good enough to draw me in.
There also definitely seems to be the potential for a good story or two in here although it isn't necessarily evident which one would stem from here as of the way its written. But I think that's honestly even better because the potential is higher, and I think if you try and explore an angle besides the more tried and tested ones this one seems to be generally aiming for it could do even better but of course even among the guiderails of a sort this has laid down, there is quite a bit of potential to be had.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Did somebody mention dragons?
Zontafer here to review your work!
Nitpicks
First off, I noticed you didn't really break your story into paragraphs. When the reader spots a piece without 'pauses', they tend to leave it be.
Here's some suggestions for where you can split it up! ^^
Between these two sentences.
Between these two.
Break. Also, some short description of this enemy would be good. For example, what creature was he? Or is he a shadow, or an element?
You used enslaved 8 words ago. I'd suggest you to cut the 'enslave' out of the text. This sounds a bit long to read as well, I'll give you something to consider, but remember that you're the author, not me. ^^
Suggestion:
'They also made other creatures.' sounded a little awkward, compared to your other sentences (Humans were first. < an example.)
I'd suggest something like 'Other creatures came/were made as well.'
Just so you know it, human, elf and dragon is a 'normal' noun and shouldn't be capitalized.
Content
I loved this! ^^
The story has this epic high fantasy style, which I love. Good job on the names, they flows good on the tongue, without sounding like something you made up in 2 secs (Idk if you did, they sound good at least !
One thing I just noticed (which should perhaps be in the nitpicks section), is the fact that you used 'gave' four times in a row ('Morako gave him his...'), 'handed' over might fit for the story.
The flow went nice overall, you managed to keep the descriptions balanced and short, giving us just enough information for this type of story.
Btw, adding that 'Name Pronunciations' at the end there was clever of you, so the reader is certain of how the names are pronounced. Creds for that.
I hope this helped you some, and good luck further on! ^.^
- Zontafer
*Realizes this was posted 5 years ago*
Wow... *facepalms*
Eeee! ^^ Thank you to everyone who critiqued and gave their opinions on my story (or what there is of it). I'm glad you all think its good. But again, thank you so much for critiquing! ^^
Very interrseting, slightly predictable, but all the better for it. I would love to see what comes of this story
Hello and props for posting.
I would have to agree with all the previous posts. As I read I could imagine a classroom and a teacher explaining the history to students. Over all I like the dragons as the "creators" and the gifts to thir creations. Just throw some more time into it and see where it goes.
I really like this, it has great potential. I like how you branched off of everything, and made everything come to be. I can't wait to read the next part!
Thank you all for your reviews. ^^
Wow this is really amazing - I've always been into mythology and this is very very good - its different to alot of the other dragon stuff i've read and it's nearly as good as my favourite author 'Sherrilyn Kenyon'. xxx
Heya there!
So you want an opinion eh? Here is mine:
It is an interesting idea. I really enjoy the fact that two dragons created their world and left it to fend for itself. It's quite an interesting concept. I would defiantly expand upon it. Create some characters--those rebels or even someone within the enemy's circle. As Sophie said above me, I wouldn't put this into a story as it is. I would explain all this gradually as not to info dump on your reader. It would be quite easy to create a story out of this. So don't hesitate. Go ahead and have some fun!
Meadow
P.S. It also reminds me of a story I wrote for English five years ago about three dragons who created earth. It was supposed to be a myth about how the world was made. The whole time I read your beginning, that's what I thought of
Hmm. Well, I think it's a good premise for a world, a nice overview of the Beginning. It's certainly direct and clear in establishing the basic history. The writing wasn't great, but I don't think that's really the focus, anyway. I don't think this draft would belong in the story or book as is, but it's good to keep in mind for yourself. If you do want to improve the writing, make sure the sentences are complete--subject and predicate and all that--and maybe vary the length; at the moment they're rather short and staccato.
Anyway, I thought it was a good start to something, and I'd be interested to see where it goes.
~Sophie