This is the last part of the first chapter of a story I'm working on. I would just like to know if this reads smoothly/makes sense.
--
Reality.
Again.
Groaning, I sit up and rub my temples, cursing the man in the dream and my subconscious mind. If not for that man, I would have been sleeping quite peacefully. Instead of sweating and writhing in my sleep and then waking to find the area between my thighs damp with want, with need.
"Stupid," I mutter as I get ready for the day, secure that I am actually awake now and I won't go back to sleep anytime soon.
Muttering about strange men and delightful, yet disturbing recurring dreams, I grab my bag and step out my door to face the day. Lifting a hand to shade my eyes against the sun's brightness, I look around and sigh, wishing for once that the village I live in wasn't so superficial. Everyone here either wishes they had an elemental gift, or helps others out only in the hope of getting a reward in return.
Walking slowly, I think about my ability. Yes, it very well may be a gift from the gods, but there is always that question, nagging at the back of my mind. What if it isn't? What if it is just something unique to my village? My tribe? My people? To me even?
So engrossed am I in my thoughts, that I don't even notice the slave traders and their current victim and so I run smack into a solid chest. Gasping, I swing my arms, trying to regain my balance and not fall, but to no avail. Tumbling backwards, I end up on my butt, my bag thrown open and my purchases strewn all over the ground.
"Oh god," I yelp, quickly getting on my hands and knees and scurrying to gather my scattered stuff. "I am so sorry! I should have been pa-" My apology is cut short when I look up to see who I had bumped into and my heart jerks in my chest when my eyes meet the golden gaze of the man standing over me. "Oh my god," I whisper, shocked beyond words and at a loss for what to say as my body is suddenly flooded with an undeniable heat.
"Huh? Miss, did this no good piece of shit say or do anything to you?" Our staring contest is cut short by the slave trader himself, a short, disgusting man in his forties.
"Hm? Oh no. I'm just clumsy and I…" My words trail off again as I lose myself in those compelling golden eyes. Eyes that burn with a fire so hot I can feel it burning me inside and out. I wonder if he knows who I am? If he has the same, hot, steamy dreams I do? With a blush staining my cheeks, I am brought out of my thoughts by the slave trader's voice.
"You there," he says, "Loosen Zain's wrist irons so he can help this woman pick up her belongings. And Zain, show some manners and apologize!"
"My apologies, madam." It is definitely him. His voice isn't as gravelly, but deeper, fuller. Like thunder and lightning, or a powerful lion, growling a warning to an invading male. He sounds like a man resigned to his fate, and yet still wanting to hurt the one that had done this horrible thing to him. And right there, as he is picking up my belongings for me, I make my decision and act on it before I can change my mind.
"Sir," I say, addressing the slave trader and using the sweetest voice I can muster.
"Yes sweetheart?" He asks me, grinning and waggling thick, bushy eyebrows at me. "See something you like?"
Ugh, I think, How disgusting. Trying to cover up the fact that he makes me want to puke, I smile sweetly and reach into my bag. "Yes," I purr, "I would like to buy that man." I point at Zain with my free hand while I pull out my money with the hand that is in my bag.
At my words, everyone drops what they are doing, even Zain. My village gawks at me in surprise and the creepy slave trader man gawks with them. Oh god, what am I doing? I wonder, wanting to go back on my words but knowing I couldn't.
"What?!"
Oh! I forgot to mention that you might want to put an age-recommendation on this. Like I said, you did a very good job in the beginning, and so this a bit too descriptive, in this sense, to not have a rating on it.
Also, you might add a 'romance' tag on it, so you won't be bothered by romantically challenged people (like me :p) trying to review it. You don't have to, of course.
Haha! I thought I had it rated 16 with a fantasy tag. Oh well! Just more editing work!
Hey Lisa!
I hope this wasn't too critical. You really are a very talented writer!
Okay, so my reviews tend to be a line-by-line critique, so bear with me if my review gets a bit long.
"...secure that I am actually awake..."~ I don't think that 'secure' is the right word here. Maybe 'relieved' or something.
"...or helps others out only in..."~ you might try rephrasing this to something more like: 'or they help others out..."
"...my bag thrown open and my purchases strewn all over the ground."~ You made no comment about shopping before this, so you should either insert a bit about your shopping experience, or change 'purchases' to something about your things, since seemed to have brought them from your home.
"...who I had bumped into and my heart jerks in my chest..."~ I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a comma after 'into'.
"slave trader himself, a short, disgusting man in his forties."~ I tend to advise towards more description. Short and disgusting is a good start, and it's definitely good that you mentioned his age, but I can't SEE him in my mind.
Does he have dark hair or light? Does he have a beard? Five o'clock shadow? Clean shaven? Is he fat or slender? Is he wearing clean clothes, or are they dirty and stained? Does he literally smell disgusting? Is he missing any teeth? Does he have a cane?
But other than with the slave trader, you did an amazing job of being descriptive. In fact, being a shy person, the beginning of your piece made me uncomfortable; like a movie of this sort would...which is good, I think.
You asked at the beginning of your piece if it 'flows smoothly/makes sense'.
It flows beautifully. I could practically see her meandering down the streets, in a world all of her own, as she considered her gift. As for 'making sense', the part of your story that you included in this exerpt makes perfect sense; though I have no background of what her gift is, why people in her villiage get them, what the gift is for, or how she got it; but, then again, this is an exerpt, so I'm not really supposed to understand the whole storyline, so that's fine, as long as you clarify in the rest of your story.
Zain also seems to be the man from her dreams, so if you didn't mean for people to come to that conclusion, then you should change that part; if not, it's perfect
I hope I helped,
~Shadow
Thank you! And yes, he is. :p And now, off to take it off my website and add to it! And thank you again for your review!
Wow. This is really good. Since it is an excerpt I won't overly explain this, but I wish we had a little more description of what she means when she says "her village" and "her people" and stuff. I'm guessing there's more in the actual book, but just be sure to explain that soon because the reader could get really confused! Other than that there's one other thing... is this rated? I don't really know if it should be or not... but it is kinda suggestive so maybe like 12+ rating? I don't know, just a suggestion. Okay now, onto things I liked. So I really, really liked how you portrayed the character. You didn't overload the reader on a bunch of details really fast, right up front (which annoys me in published books) and built up an image of the character through what she said and did. I would like to know more about Zain, but again, I'm guessing that comes later in the story
. It was a little confusing with the whole "slave trader" thing. Is this like dystopian? Or just some random place that is different from our society? (not to sound racist, I'm not at all!) but are the "slaves" a certain race? I would LOVE to read more of this story if you happen to post it. Great job!!! Can't wait to find out more!
P.S. Sorry, I kind of stink at reviews.
-Raelyn
Nah nah, you're fine. I stink at reviews myself. XD
And I did rate it, though I guess it didn't show up. And good point, I guess I do kind of need to explain the gifts. Hmm... Longer chapter it is!
Also, thank you very much for the review!