Attention

LastPaladin wrote:Hello I'm LastPaladin and I shall reviewing this piece. My opinion from what I could stand to read was this was Angst, not even constructive, or well written just a 'me me me' poem or 'I want attention' poem these aren't suitable for others viewing these poems, a diary or perhaps a blog be better.

Let me explain my opinion harsh as it is, you could have convey this all more constructively it just seems contrived, forced and highly jaded, not things you want a reader to feel. Perhaps I'm wrong and I need to be wearing certain shades to see this correctly, but even with them, I still feel like you could have made this more poetical sounding, or even subtle, believe it or not people like subtly in poems.

And this comes across as a blog post and diary entry not something you want people to read but need to rant and rave about how everything sucks. A rant can be a poem tis known as a catharsis but this just comes off ranty, boring even, you don't allow us entry, it kicks us out from first word, and by second stanza the readers no longer involved, instead they're meandering through it at YOUR pace at YOUR leisure.

Poems should capture the readers and make them feel what you feel, it can't do that if you don't allow them entry. I understand this comes off annoyed but poems like this severely irritate me, because they have so much potential, but they don't allow it, all they want is a soap box to moan about life on.

This isn't meant as an attack on ya personally, just the poem, and hopefully shall improve you, I recommend you read some of the greats and you may see how to make a tragic piece without screaming for attention with it. I say one thing, at least title accurate.

I sincerely hope this helps you improve.

DragonLADY wrote:This was a beutiful poem to read! I actually sang it over and over again, placing a slow, almost mournful tune to it. Did you ever consider making it a song?

It's a gorgeous love poem; expressing need, denial, and keeping silent, though it kills you. The play on emotion is clever (Do you know that emotion is the seventh sense for a writer? Memory is the sixth.) and honest. Beyond well done; extraordinary!

Hello I'm LastPaladin and I shall reviewing this piece. My opinion from what I could stand to read was this was Angst, not even constructive, or well written just a 'me me me' poem or 'I want attention' poem these aren't suitable for others viewing these poems, a diary or perhaps a blog be better.

Let me explain my opinion harsh as it is, you could have convey this all more constructively it just seems contrived, forced and highly jaded, not things you want a reader to feel. Perhaps I'm wrong and I need to be wearing certain shades to see this correctly, but even with them, I still feel like you could have made this more poetical sounding, or even subtle, believe it or not people like subtly in poems.

And this comes across as a blog post and diary entry not something you want people to read but need to rant and rave about how everything sucks. A rant can be a poem tis known as a catharsis but this just comes off ranty, boring even, you don't allow us entry, it kicks us out from first word, and by second stanza the readers no longer involved, instead they're meandering through it at YOUR pace at YOUR leisure.

Poems should capture the readers and make them feel what you feel, it can't do that if you don't allow them entry. I understand this comes off annoyed but poems like this severely irritate me, because they have so much potential, but they don't allow it, all they want is a soap box to moan about life on.

This isn't meant as an attack on ya personally, just the poem, and hopefully shall improve you, I recommend you read some of the greats and you may see how to make a tragic piece without screaming for attention with it. I say one thing, at least title accurate.

I sincerely hope this helps you improve.

This was a beutiful poem to read! I actually sang it over and over again, placing a slow, almost mournful tune to it. Did you ever consider making it a song?

It's a gorgeous love poem; expressing need, denial, and keeping silent, though it kills you. The play on emotion is clever (Do you know that emotion is the seventh sense for a writer? Memory is the sixth.) and honest. Beyond well done; extraordinary!

Hmm...Not bad...I surely did pay attention!

AdamBH wrote:Loved it!

I especially loved the end of the second to last stanza, it makes it so much sadder. I do think the rest of it is terribly much like prose, and that you could have thrown in some pretty good metaphors for that poem to add much more effect, and build it to a climax and maybe spell it out less to the reader.

I also didn't think the last stanza was necessary at all. Had you left it on the second to last, it would have been a great and touching end.

Overall pretty good! Keep writing

rememberme wrote:

Spoiler

LisaMCooper wrote:

Attention

I’m trying to keep a hold of my emotions, I think you should leave out the "a hold" and just say, your trying to hold on to your emotions
But all I want to do,
Is break down and cry.

I can’t tell you what I’m feeling,
I can’t tell you how much I want to scream and yell.
You don’t seem to understand anyway.

Maybe it’s better that I not cry,
Maybe it’s better if you think I’m just a quiet little mouse.
Because if you saw who I really was,
You’d not be hanging around. I think it should be, you wouldn't be hanging around

I know I can be scary with my emotions,
I know I’m a tad bit jealous,
But I just want you to see,
What I’ve been trying to tell you.

I’m pining for your attention!
Please, just pay attention to me.
I don’t ask for much, just your love and affection.

When I see you being flirty and playful with other people,
I want so bad to scream at you and say,
“Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me! Look at me!” I don't think you have to put "look at me!" twice.

But I don’t.
And all you see,
Is the girl that tells you she
Loves you, everyday. Who is the girl that tells him she loves him everyday? You?

And that’s fine I guess. I don't think you need this line.
But you don’t see me.
You don’t see,
That all I want,
Is some of your attention and love.

Overall I did like this poem. It seem's like you could make this kind of story into a book though, I think you would do better if this was a book. I like how your dieng for his attention and you make that very clear in your poem. Maybe you should show this to him(:. It holds a lot of emotion, and I love how you show your love for him, even though he doesnt show it back to you. Some of the stanza's didnt flow together, some were to long, and some were to short. But, This poem is very good and I really did enjoy reading it(: Keep writing. Your good at it.

LisaMCooper wrote:

Attention

I’m trying to keep a hold of my emotions, I think you should leave out the "a hold" and just say, your trying to hold on to your emotions
But all I want to do,
Is break down and cry.

I can’t tell you what I’m feeling,
I can’t tell you how much I want to scream and yell.
You don’t seem to understand anyway.

Maybe it’s better that I not cry,
Maybe it’s better if you think I’m just a quiet little mouse.
Because if you saw who I really was,
You’d not be hanging around. I think it should be, you wouldn't be hanging around

I know I can be scary with my emotions,
I know I’m a tad bit jealous,
But I just want you to see,
What I’ve been trying to tell you.

I’m pining for your attention!
Please, just pay attention to me.
I don’t ask for much, just your love and affection.

When I see you being flirty and playful with other people,
I want so bad to scream at you and say,
“Hey! Look at me! Pay attention to me! Look at me!” I don't think you have to put "look at me!" twice.

But I don’t.
And all you see,
Is the girl that tells you she
Loves you, everyday. Who is the girl that tells him she loves him everyday? You?

And that’s fine I guess. I don't think you need this line.
But you don’t see me.
You don’t see,
That all I want,
Is some of your attention and love.

Loved it!

I especially loved the end of the second to last stanza, it makes it so much sadder. I do think the rest of it is terribly much like prose, and that you could have thrown in some pretty good metaphors for that poem to add much more effect, and build it to a climax and maybe spell it out less to the reader.

I also didn't think the last stanza was necessary at all. Had you left it on the second to last, it would have been a great and touching end.

Overall pretty good! Keep writing