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E - Everyone


by Lino12

Woe to you Aninan!

The land where peace is tasted and spat away

Where they cause war and feel gay

Where the gun is a weapon of play

Where the leaders above justice sway

Where they say

Keep quiet about the truth or lay

Dead in your grave before your hair goes grey

Where the revolution has gone astray 

And dopes never pay.

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Points: 81
Reviews: 3

Tue Jan 10, 2017 5:54 am
Lordofkittys wrote a review...

Let me just say, great poem! I think your theme and message are well thought out and are carried through quite well in such a short poem. A few issues I did see, is that the rhythm isn't the smoothest. For instance, I felt like the "Where they say" line seems a little short compared to the others which helps break up the flow. Sort of along the same train of thought, I thought the pattern of starting the lines with the same word (can't think of the word which means that at the moment) was a good idea, but was made worse by the break of two lines not starting with it. Overall, I thought the theme was well conveyed, but maybe the 3 lines in the center-bottom could be refined a bit more. Absolutely great start! This is much better than any poem I could write. ;)

User avatar
55 Reviews

Points: 158
Reviews: 55

Fri Dec 30, 2016 5:10 pm
all wrote a review...

hey, here for a review.

I read your little description of what this poem is supposed to represent and I think that you wrote a great poem.

Now for the review part,

I just want to say that the rhyme scheme is okay except for the first line. "Aninan" doesn't rhyme with the words ending with "-ay" sound. I would change it so it somehow rhymed. It didn't start the rhythm off right.

Your punctuation and capitalization does not really correlate together well. You only what the one period at the end ending all of the lines, it seems as one big run on sentence. You have every line capitalized with no punctuation saying that the line ended. I personally prefer reading a poem which looks grammatically correct and pleasing to the eye. If I were you and had the no punctuation theme going on, I would remove the capitalized letters starting each line.

I know you are trying to rhyme each line but here,

Keep quiet about the truth or lay
Dead in your grave before your hair goes grey

You cut the sentence in two to suffice the rhyme scheme. I think that rhyme usually restricts the word choice and author could use. Next time I would contemplate whether the rhyme scheme Is needed over the choppy sentences.

Overall, I really like this poem. The message is clear and wonderfully written. I hope to see more of your work in the future. Best of luck on your next works too!

"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind