Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I didn't notice the shadow in the corner of the room, nor the man sitting at the reception desk eying my hair. I was born with orange hair. It wasn't died and nobody had genetically changed my chromosomes. In fact they couldn't have made it orange, orange wasn't even a color you could change your hair to. Some people ignored me because I was different, in fact most people did... As I left the bank I noticed the man and the shadow following me. I took off at a jog trying my best to act natural, but when they took off in pursuit I ran, and I ran far, there was no way i was turning around.

I think this could be really interesting but it's very short.
Also, you sort of jump into the description very quickly and don't really break it up.

-I didn't notice the shadow in the corner of the room, nor the man sitting at the reception desk eying my hair. I was born with orange hair.
I just have to ask... if they didn't notice that they were looking, why talk about the hair?
-It wasn't died and nobody had genetically changed my chromosomes.
That should be *dyed.*
-In fact they couldn't have made it orange, orange wasn't even a color you could change your hair to. Some people ignored me because I was different, in fact most people did...
Dots are all very well and good, hell, I love them. But if you are going to use them, it may be better to put the lines on the next line.
So you might write: ... in fact most people did...
As I left...
-I took off at a jog trying my best to act natural, but when they took off in pursuit I ran, and I ran far, there was no way i was turning around.
You need to capitalise the 'I' there.
Anyway, as I said, this could be really interesting and it was quite an intriguing premise. If you fleshed it out and added a little more description perhaps...
At the start, bringing in the orange hair is all very well and good, but the way you did it seemed a little quick. Perhaps you could say something like:
*I tapped my foot impatiently as the receptionist organised my papers, smirking at the young man as he continued to cast disapproving glances at my orange hair.*
Then you could go on about it not being dyed and what not.
Another way you could expand is to say something about the weather when the character steps out of the bank, or the street they step into and perhaps describe the walk before they end up getting stalked.
Also, the last sentence is pretty good, but you don't really explain how the narrator is feeling, you just say that they 'ran'.
You may be able to say something like this:
*I took off at a job while trying my best to act natural. My heart began to race as I glanced back to see the man match my speed.
My mouth ran dry like a desert, fear causing me to become light headed and I spread my legs wider, aiming to race as fast as I could. Ran away, ran far... there was no way I was turning around.*
I mean, it doesn't have to be like that, but adding a few different elements will really draw people in.
Anyway, I would love to see this go somewhere so I hope you keep writing! Thanks for a great start!

For a paragraph, it makes a good start to an action chapter, other than a few grammatical and very few spelling errors. Good, but it could be better. Try expanding on this, I have abandoned plenty of stories because I have felt they were not worthy. Although all I needed to do was expand on them, and then they would have been amazing. Expand on this, and bend the law a little. See what kind of position you can get your character into and find a clever way to get out of it. Then we can praise her for her wit!

This is very...short. We don't get to know a lot about your character or the plot, which is a little disappointing, and I really just think that it will come down to making this into a real chapter and getting to the meat of your story. That's not to say that you have to begin with some intense action scene - just that you have to give us a beginning. If you're going to come up with something as short as this (for a prologue, perhaps), then it has to end on a really sharp note - pull us into your story. Make it dramatic and intense, or otherwise completely compelling.

As this is right now, it's not bad nor is it inspiring. Find some gripping way to make us want to read MORE! I can tell that you're trying to give your character some quirks, such as orange hair, but keep in mind that eye and hair color are very often used to make these distinctions and can sometimes come off as being cliche. They also aren't worthy replacements for personality quirks, which are the aspects of your characters that we as readers will actually fall in love with.

Hope this helps. :]
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver