The boy dashes up the street
Fearing what he will miss
Looking forward to catch
That elusive speedy thing
Singing its mocking cheerful song
Egging him on
Catch me if you can
Alas his fear has come into being
The prospect has been lost
The ice cream truck turns the corner out of sight
Prevailing again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I don't like to use punctuation a lot in a poem, because it looks cluttered to me, but to each his/her own.
Thanks for all the comments and criticism; I will take that to heart.
Haha, I loved this!
Personally, I thought the previous reviewers were too harsh on you. Not everything has to be metaphorical. I mean, sometimes us writers want to let loose and write something utterly ridiculous.
This was extremely cute. I love how it sounds so dramatic at the beginning, and then I found out he was chasing an ice cream truck! Ah...how true.
This made me smile. Great job!
This was cute. At YWS, we get a lot of emo poems about suicide, death, and betrayal; this was a pleasant change. Of course, it needs a little work, but it's not horrible.
I must agree, you either need to make it darker to emphasize the prolonged failure, or lighten it up a bit to make it a cheerful poem about perseverance.
Poetry, (beating a dead horse, here) is all about symbolism.The ice cream truck need to symbolize something, even if we don't know what it is. Then again, maybe it does and I'm just too stupid to notice.
That is not symbolic. I would never, ever, ever use the word "Thing" in a poem.
I agree with Via: push the metaphor further. At first I thought he was chasing a girl, and that in itself is a metaphor for something else. Sit down and think on what the ice cream truck stands for: what does it mean to the little boy, and why? Try to go beyond the idea of tasty, tasty ice cream and look into what that means for him. Also think about the boy: is he in shape and fast, but left home too late to catch it, or is he a little too fond of the ice cream and can't catch the truck because he's so out of shape?
You don't actually have to tell us all of this, but it's important that you know so you can pick and choose what to share with the reader.
Hi Lini.
Well, the first thing that sticks out to me is that there is no punctuation...and that just irks me. Commas, semicolons, periods...they are all friends of poets that should be held in the highest regard
Okay, onto the writing...
This didn't really strike me as one of the best things I've ever read. I like the idea of making the ice cream truck scary but not at the same time, but I think it needs to be pushed farther. Make the ice cream truck truly evil, push it beyond reason (after all, beyond reason is where all great poets lie). Use vicious and threatening words.
One specific dislike was this line:
This line was far too high school chat for me..."speedy thing" is not really descriptive nor professional for this piece. Maybe something more along the lines of "the elusive speeding ice." or something not with the word "thing" in it?
Anyway, hope this helped!
Happy Editing!