Published October 13, 2007
Murder is only a joke to you,
But that was my life you took.
You walk around like it never happened.
Like I'm not rotting in the ground.
You think you're tough and smart,
But truly you are a coward!
I didn't even get a proper burial.
Just a muddy hole in the ground.
You should have told someone.
You could have said I tripped and fell in,
And you couldn't help me from drowning.
But you just pulled me out and ran!
Don't try it again with your new friend.
They'll just sink to the bottom like me.
No one can swim with fifty pounds strapped to their feet.
So get that through your thick skull!
This is just something short I wrote. I just wanted to see what you guys thought of it.
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
Wow, Brad went on a critiquing binge today!
I'd have to agree with him. I think this topic could be pulled off, but you need a little more practice. It's most rewarding to write about something you actually know, not something you've read or heard about.
I think the main problem is that you forgot your reader. Why should we care? You're clearly not addressing us when you say "you," you're addressing the killer; still, you can't forget about your reader. Right now all of it is directed at this subject, this killer. It was rather...RAWR! Exclamation points and everything.
Try to write about something you can express better; write about something you know. Use emotions you have felt, because then you'll be best at describing them in a unique and interesting way.
Keep at it!
-Colleen
Lindsaroo.
This is a tired narrative (e.g. The Lovely Bones) rehashed in tired verse.
Please make an effort to write from yourself, not from fictionalized/serialized accounts of other people. It won't be until your writing comes from inside you that other people will care about any character you could possible create.
Best,
Brad
Good Job Lindsay! I think the idea was great you set the scene up and gave us the big picture. But I think you could be a little more descriptive you could use some more metaphors and such. Also structure and rythm woul.d be a great thing to work on.
I like this line it sets an emotion for the rest of the poem
This one is just the same and a great rythm is kept here.
A little more description would be nice rather than just bland facts.
I don't like the first part of this it just didn't sound right try rewording it.
This kind of confuses me it is supposed to support a definite fact of how you died and it just doesn't explain that clearly enough. I know you clear it up later but a bit more info would be nice.
This was a great way to seal it up but I really do not like the last line it ruins the rythm and doesn't really fit.
Overall you did a good job. A very good plot and story. Also the perspective of the dead person was pretty cool. I would work on description,a little of the rythm, and some other minor elements. Any way great work!!
Wesley's Score:
Well that was interesting. I like how at the end it got a lot less eloquent. I was expecting it to just be really moody, and then this pops up
"No one can swim with fifty pounds strapped to their feet.
So get that through your thick skull! "
and that just made me laugh.
I think it's interesting that you purpose it is a friend who killed you, and that they'll only do it again.
It's alright. It's a lot of telling, though, which makes it hard for me to feel anything. I'm not sure how you could fix that up, word choice and metaphors and imagery always helps, so you might want to try and find some way to sneak that in.
Maybe read some poetry to get an idea of how everything works, and a good book that I had is The Idiot's Guide to Writing Poetry.
It seems really sad. It's good though. You ok?
-Rick