Published March 15, 2008
It can't be right
For me to cry
When I think of you
Because you're the perfect guy.
It's like there's no one else
When I talk to you
And when you smile
The sky is bright blue.
The world becomes grey
When you don't get your way
And when you cry
My heart threatens to die.
You've become the only one
That I would die for.
This feeling of love devours me.
I'm not who I was anymore.
I've changed so much
And it's all because of you.
I feel like I have to repay you
Yet in truth it's a lot that I lose.
I've surrendered my heart.
My soul and my life.
Love is my savior
And pierced in my chest is a knife.
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
You portrayed that message really well, good job.
I have three words, I like it!
Ok, Lindsay, the last line of this stanza falls out of rhythm. What you can, however, is replace, "Because you're the perfect guy" with: "As the perfect guy"
"And when you cry, my heart threatens to cry" Hmm...I dunno about threaten. How about something along the lines of, "And when you cry, my heart starts to cry"? That way your rhythm is balanced.
"You've become the only one, that I would die for" Hmm..How about, "You're the only one that I would die for"? "become" throws off the rhythm and flow in this stanza.
"I feel like I have to repay you, Yet in truth it's a lot that I lose". Ok, I don't reslly understand the last line to this stanza. Also, I'll insert the comma for you.
"And pierced in my chest is a knife" Hmm..."Piercing my chest with a knife" has a better flow and rhythm in this stanza.
Other than that, very good, Lindsay! Keep up the good work, and I hope this helps!
-Rick.
It can't be right you need a comma here
For me to cry you need a period here
When I think of you comma here
Because you're the perfect guy.
It's like there's no one else comma here
When I talk to you period here and don't capitalize "when"
And when you smile Needs a Comma
The sky is bright blue.
The world becomes grey
When you don't get your way Same exact thing as the ones above
And when you cry
My heart threatens to die.
Hi I am SimonCowellLuver or SCL whatever you wanna call me its fine. Let me start with the first three stanzas shall we. What can't be right? Don't start off with a micelaneous sentence first off. It was very vague by the way if you catch my drift. Now lets get down to the nitty gritty of it.
Do you get the picture? All Of your stanzas got the same grammatical errors over and over again.
Well If you have any questions about what i critiqued PM me anytime.
Have a good day. Thanks for listening. SCL/ SimonCowellLuver
Wow, Linds! I loved it, but then again I am a sucker for poetry and lyrics... lol
I liked this poem.
I thought it was good.
I dont really have any suggestions.
Sorry.....
Hey, Slinds! What's up?
Ok, I'm gonna be honest. None of the last lines of any stanza really worked for me. You seem to be forcing all of your rhymes, and it's not working...
I would edit this:
It flows much better.
Can you find another word that means bright? You need a longer word so the syllables will fit together. Just a min... let me bring up thesaurus.com.
Change the first line to, "And when you begin to cry" OR "And when you start to cry." I prefer the first one.
The repitition of 'you' doesn't work.
A good last line, but a wee bit too wordy.
Good job. I really liked it. *gives a gold star* Good job.
-Jared
It can't be right
For me to cry
When I think of you
Because you're the perfect guy.
**I like the first three lines here, but the last one seems too long, maybe if you took out "Because" then it would fit better.
It's like there's no one else
When I talk to you
And when you smile
The sky is bright blue.
*The first line can do without the "else" so that it flows better. I really like the comparison of the smile and the sky.
The world becomes grey
When you don't get your way
And when you cry
My heart threatens to die.
**Really pretty image here. Though I think that you could use a little bit more imagery.
You've become the only one
That I would die for.
This feeling of love devours me.
I'm not who I was anymore.
**I love the words that you use here, but I feel like it doesn't flow the way it should. It would if you rearranged some words though. Other wise, nice job.
I've changed so much
And it's all because of you.
I feel like I have to repay you
Yet in truth it's a lot that I lose.
*Nothing really wrong here.
I've surrendered my heart.
My soul and my life.
Love is my savior
And pierced in my chest is a knife.
**Here I do like how it's surprising at the end but I don't really understand what you're trying to get from the reader at this part of the poem. Is this supposed to be like some Romeo and Juliet-like scene or was the knife just a metaphor? Or is it that this is a situation relating to the comment about the narrator only dying for this person? Either way, I really like the idea you have here and you flow was very nice. Good work!
Loves you Linds!
~Rieda