Just one girl.

I feel like you beat around the bush to get to "thousands die for no reason".

The one-line interjections seemed a little unnecessary.

I don't think that the last stanza was gripping enough. I didn't feel anything I thought I'd feel, like guilt, or sadness, or betrayal, or loss, or anything.

Also, careful with your punctuation; every line doesn't need a period at the end of it since each isn't really a complete thought in its own right. Maybe a period at the end of each stanza instead? I believe there's an article about punctuation in poetry somewhere that might be helpful, but I'm not entirely certain where.

Keep your main idea in mind throughout, and try not to deviate from it. I think you have a good start and a good beginning to improve from, but it's not quite there yet.

I wanna critique, but everyone has covered it. This was a really nice poem!!! Great job. xxx

It was a great poem just really I don't feel it was strong enough or maybe if you wrote it a little longer it may have become a little stronger....

I echo Claudette.

You made an effort at painting a scene in the reader's mind to help convey your theme, but it still needs some work. Imagery is the most powerful tool a poet can use; it instills intense emotions in a reader, uses symbolism and figurative language to convey a theme. Whether your message be complex of painfully simple, imagery will make it shine. Work on this in future poems; it will help you immensely.

hmmmm....i can't relly get any emotion out of it. i don't think that the words really expressed it well enough for readers to understand.
it is also a very broad thing to write about. maybe with a bit more thought it could be much better. just sit down to think about it for a bit...see what more you can do.

---Lora

This is definitely a very broad idea which you could do a lot with, however I think you limited yourself with typical arguments and phrases rather than branching out a bit and delving in even deeper. Also, though I think you meant the punctuation to make it more dramatic, it seemed to me to be unnecessary and distracted more than helped. Anyways, this is a very good beginning and I'd love to see what you can do with it with some editing!!

this is good.....but not at all true......they would have a reason to fight....

I think the major problem with this poem is that it is expressing a feeling: but it doesn't express it well enough.

The idea of having a war for no reason, and then the reason disappearing without anyone knowing could be present in a much stronger way than you did it. (Of course my interpretation of the meaning might be a bit off, as well.)

There just wasn't that much to it. Not to mention that your punctuation was haywire. You ended the three line stanzas all with periods, despite the fact that none of those lines made sentences on there own, or at the least, are meant to be phrases together. This might help you: Poetry and Punctuation.

There just wasn't a whole lot in this poem. It didn't do anything, and I didn't feel anything.

My suggestion: read more poetry.

agreed with Liz -- the short sentences work in moderation to create a strong, direct, inyourface effect, but too many of them get in the way of the poem, making it stilted, and making it hard for you to incorporate more; all statements become limited to a few direct words, where it would probably be better to have more description and imagery.

The rhetorical questions don't do much -- a more vivid way to describe her uncertainty/anguish would make the reader empathize with her more; the questions don't have much of her character or personality behind them, and so it's hard to empathize.

It would probably help to think of the speaker in the poem as a character in a story. Figure out what she's like, at least a little bit, and then you can get into her head and really tell the story of this needless war from her point of view. This would be more powerful, probably, if it were more 'personal' -- it would just be personal from the point of view of a character, not the writer.

I agree to Mad.

I think you had a really nice idea about this poem,but it would be better if you expand it,it doesn't have to be short.Your poem consists strong emotions which will be better if you explain the feelings more.

Keep writing and posting!

Definitely needs more empathy, and the tone of the last line is lost. I don't think it has anything to do with length, but I think the rest of your poem is so much stronger than the last line gives it credit for.
Your puncutation breaks up the rhythm, so I'd take out a lot of the full-stops, they don't all make sense where you've placed them.
Very strong concept and I like your use of short sentences, but like I said it could flow a lot better.

I see that you are going for effect, the short lines, the more graphic images but I don't really feel anything when I read it. I didn't feel any empathy for those who were dying or spare a thought for this one girl.

I think that you are trying to fit a very broad idea into a very small and emphatic poem. The words that you use aren't strong enough for me, they are simple and in some cases effective but they just lack something.

However, really I'm not saying that the poem isn't good, I think that it could be so much better. One part that really let you down though was the ending.

I soon die.
From a bullet.
No one knows.

Thousands more die for no reason.