Published April 20, 2008
I cry to my bed sheets
And scream out his name.
No one can hear
These feelings I say.
My face is coated in warmth.
Comforting my lonely soul
Like a hot kiss or a warm hug.
My illusion of passion will do for now.
*this is just a short one I thought up so it's no big deal ^^*
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
I like it its short but it got feeling to it a life of its own <333
this is a lot like me...except i wouldnt be crying about a guy....as i am not gay or bi...i think...lol
Good connection for many teens! I know I'm guilty of taking my anger out on my pillow, muffling my crys. Bravo!
Eh, kind of choppy, like Vampy and Rickage said. Maybe you can change some of the words.
"These feelings I say." This is an example of choppiness. Try to reword this with something like, "The outbursts of my heart", or something like that.
The poem's idea is pretty good, a good concept like the others have said. Just work on the choppy parts and you'll be fine.
~Jamie
I agree. This is a good concept but it doesn't flow very well. Maybe add some more descriptive words.
Maybe think of renaming it.
Very good, keep writing!
~Rachael
Hm..I like this, Linds, but I don't see what this have to do with an illusion. Also, you had good rhythm in the first stanza. It kind of fades in the second one. Try to add more specific and more in depth details into this, and extend it. I hope this helps!
-Rick.