Published September 3, 2007
You stand there
With his arm around you.
You’re stupid, child
And a fool.
Can’t you see
That he loves her?
And you’re just there
To fill in the holes.
Stop touching his hair
And smiling at him.
He’s still ignoring you.
He doesn’t care.
Do you know
Who he’s thinking of
When he kisses you
And holds you tight?
I can tell you that
It’s not the girl in his arms
It’s the one
A hundred miles away.
Don’t tell him
What you’re thinking.
You’ll just be rejected
And torn down.
You touch his cheek
And whisper his name.
He’s still looking out
Into the horizon.
You look into his eyes
But he’s not looking back
“I love you” you breathe
And he gets up and leaves.
I told you to go
Before he did.
But you had to try
And now you’re hurting.
Now he’s back with her.
And she’s in his arms.
And you’re sitting at home
And crying, alone.
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
I am doing a face filled with a deep blank.
What the heck? I really could not understand this poem, sorry. I mean, it has a universal theme. Too universal.
It doesn't suck because it's not really a real, significant poem which you tried to write. I betcha this was just another exercise at writing, just for fun, nothing planned out or serious.
The main thing is ORIGINALITY! I didn't see any of it here! Draw us a picture, build us a character! Something! Poems are intorspectve, but this one...uh-uh.
Staring_at_ceiling,
This is one cliche after another. I'm almost positive every image you used here has also been used in a Justin Timberlake song at one point or another.
Rise above mediocrity--start with thinking outside the box.
Best,
Brad
No! Bad, bad, bad!
Don't do this, please! If you honestly think that it sucks, fish around for someone you trust or you know who gives good critiques and ask them to look it over as a beta reader, then edit it and decide if it needs a lot more work, or if it could use more work.
If you don't really believe that it sucks, don't say it.
The poem itself wasn't half bad, really, but your author's note really put me off wanting to read/critique it.
I think it flowed nicely. And, though it was simple, it was perfect in its simplicity. Well done!
I completely agree with Misty on this one.
It doesn't really suck at all. We've all had this experience once or twice, or maybe even one like it.
Plus, the fact that the "he" in this story is ignoring the "you", that makes it even more real to the reader.
Good job!
The poem doesn't flow perfectly, but apart from that I thought it was rather good, and very relatable :]
YOU SEE! You said it was sucky and everybody liked it! Go you! *Beams*
*The following is from someone who generally can not write poems and knows little about them...*
This was good. I liked it.
Good stuff-
Your rhythm. Worked well to keep the piece flowing.
Your voice. It was very real and created the right atmosphere.
To Improve-
Don't rhyme if it doesn't fit and isn't consistent.
It may be accidental but it isn't in keeping with the rest of the poem.
Don't overuse the same word. 'And' and 'But' are fine in moderation...
Overall, this was good and people can relate to it; which is a plus in poems such as these.
Keep it up!
Alainna
xxx
You say it sucks, but I say it's pretty good. You show imagry, it's quick and painless to read. You set out the basic idea pretty easily.
Then again, I'm not a poet, and I know it. ^^ Maybe my comment is worthless. *decides to scratch out the word 'maybe'*
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
This doesn't suck at all. If you want to see the utter crap that I was writing at your age, check out the sadly reincarnated "screaming roses" that Gadi critiqued...(oh Gadi..*sighs*)
Actually, this is a perfectly acceptable poem. The rhythm isn't amazing and there are a few odd rhymes, but that doesn't matter. The point is that everyone can relate to the message in this poem. We've all been there. It's sad. It sucks. It makes us angry and I can feel that through this poem. It wasn't too long or too short. The stanzas were simple, but nice.
"Don’t tell him
What you’re thinking.
You’ll just be rejected
And torn down."
Not your best stanza.
"You touch his cheek
And whisper his name.
He’s still looking out
Into the horizon. "
Your best stanza! ^_^