Published June 26, 2007
I wrote this a while ago and I lost it, so this is the best I can do to remember it.
Charlie was a lonely boy,
Who came to school one day,
With bruises up and down his arms.
It was the price he had to pay.
He had to lock the pain away
To show that he was tough and strong.
But he wished so much,
To to cry all day long.
He tried to stall at school
So he didn't have to go home.
With his drunk dad,
He didn't want to be alone.
But he had to go home
Which filled him with fright.
He didn't want to get hurt
On that dark and quiet night.
But all went wrong
When he got home.
His dad was mad,
And they were alone.
His father beat him,
Beat him black and blue.
Charlie had had enough.
He hit his father too.
His father screamed
As his nose bled.
He grabbed a knife
And poor Charlie was dead.
Yeah it kinda sucks...but yeah...
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I agree with Clau. Showing the events of the poem could do a lot for it. It was altogether interesting and actually "witnessing" the event would be really great.
. Tell me if you write this from the scene though because I think that would be really interesting. Especially the fighting stanzas. Great job!
I did feel sad for Charlie though. It kind of creeped me out at first becasue I was taken off guard. But then after reading it again I could actually take it all in. Poor Charlie.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
AT first it gave me goose bumps. But then i think you prolonged it too much. One or two many extra stanzas. I know it is hard to drop anything, when I write and I realize that said paragraph is not as good as other paragraphs or is unneeded I am loath to drop it because I had done it in the first place.
maybe I am reading too much into this.
I actually really like this. Yes, you need some work on a few stanzas, I'll point them out in a second, but the overall effect is eerie and sing-songy-death. The rhyme and simplistic meter highlight this effect nicely.
Poetry is about word choice (and punctuation! But you have a handle on it, I just want to play with it). Here, you picked words that work, but not the best words, I don't think. If I may?
Charlie was a lonely boy
who came to school one day,
with bruises up and down his arms --
a price he had to pay.
Reasoning: take out the first comma, since it forces the first two lines to be read together (enjambment), and if you read it, it sounds better without that first pause. The second one leave for sure, since you want that pause between the stanzas. I added a dash after L3, since I felt it needed a a pause there, but that's up to you. I like "a" over "it was" because... I just lost my train of thought. I'll fix that if I can remember.
Most of the fixes I would suggest are of the same sort, little fixes that can make or break a poem. If you want any help revising this, feel free to give a shout my way
I really want to see you fix this up, mess with the rhythm and word choice, and keep the rhyme!
I could see this as a spoken word piece, if the right silences were added. But if not, then I agree with the posts written before me.
It has a very innocent feel to it, as if Charlie were saying it himself. I agree that the rhythm needs some work, just adding some words, altering some lines here and there to make them more or less the same length. Also, I can't imagine his dad screaming...more like yelling?
Anywho, I think it's pretty decent.
This is good, but I think it should be done differently. It would be much better if written about the event after school, and if you showed his pain, and didn't tell us about these things. Show it to us, make us feel the pain he feels, make us want to cry for him. Don't say "He died" show us. You know?
That would improve the poem over all.
The rhythm needs a bit of work, as does the rhyme but the content isn't bad. Fairly simplistic but quite nice. Here are some more specific suggestions, use or don't use them as you choose -
Poor Charlie was a lonely boy,
Who came to school each day,
With bruises up and down his arms;
The price he had to pay.
He had to lock the pain away,
Show he was tough and strong.
Sometime he wished it was okay
To weep tears all day long.
He tried to stall at school
So he didn't have to go home.
With his drunk dad,
He didn't want to be alone. [I don't like this stanza and I'd suggest cutting it altogether.]
But he had to go home
Which filled him with fright.
He didn't want to get hurt
On that dark and quiet night. [Not sure you need this one either.]
One average, dark and dismal day
When Charlie arrived home,
His Dad, in drunken stupor, lay
And they were all alone.
His father beat him with his fist,
He beat him black and blue.
Charlie got mad, he did resist;
He hit his father too.
His father screamed, his rage did grow,
As his nose bled and bled.
He grabbed a knife and struck down low,
And now poor Charlie's dead.