The Joy In His Voice

I watch him, dazed, in the silence of the great music that filled the room.It is bare, yet he has filled it (also, I don't think "bare" is the right word. It is rather used in expressions such "bare feet", "bare body", so... like something that is not covered). He plays, and while he does... a smile lies upon his harsh face (without this punctuation marks it gets a little confusing), showing humanity in his coal black eyes. My heart beats races ("beats reaces" is again a strange expression), but is drowned out by his keyboard, his voice and by the fact his eyes are fixed on me with contempt. He knows I am a puppet to him now. He is a master of this art and I am its observer, its mute critic. His music is dark like his nature and his voice seems but heavenly in the frame of his demonic mind. I have fallen for a fallen angel as he has captured me in the joy of his voice, the pleasure.

In normal (I would replace "normal" with something like "mundane", "ordinary" or something close to that) surroundings, he is cold to the touch and to the ears. He is blunt and he is harsh. I smile at him and he returns it with a glance and a nod. I hug him and his body stiffens like slain by my hand. I kiss him and he holds it for one more second then pulls away almost in disgust. He is arrogant and pompous. He spends his time in front of a mirror staring memorized by his own appearance. He perfects himself each day with hours of grooming before he feels he can be seen by all that walk under him (you repeat "He" too many times here.). I feel unwanted and unsatisfied with him. That I am dirt. However, now as I watch him play I watch emotion flow into him and pass into the essence of his soul. I am immobilized. (or "fascinated", "entranced", "bewildered".)

He is also another person in features. His eyes are lighter, yet still hold his powerful spell. His long dark hair glides lightly over his broad shoulders. He has more colour in his snow white skin, making his sharp nose and mouth seem more fitted to his slim face. I am lost in his eyes, yet I can't seem to be able to cast away my gaze from his quick fingers (this is the normal order). They dance over the keyboard with ease in a beautiful dance. They are quick and elegant in movement. A striking pair.

However, when he stops, his arrogance and temper starts to slowly return. His deadly seranade disappears into the silence of the world and I feel the hurtful words foam from his mouth once more, the demon in his heart take control over him. Before he utters a word I feel hurt , yet when he sings I feel loved. I feel wanted. I am lost.

He is poison. Yet (also, you seem to use the word "yet" a lot) his bite has already sunk in and I can't escape. I am caught in his musical net. We are but only dating, yet there is nowhere to run from his pitch black shadow, which is cast upon my tangled path. His music is the only light in the abyss of our now linked lives.

Hey there!

OK, so in the first paragraph, you spelled "pupet" when it should be spelled "puppet". And there were a few minor spelling mistakes here and there too, so I would go back through and read to find them.

I love this piece. I like how the character is describing the guy's talent, and how he is a poison to her, but she can't get away. This piece was well written, and very moving to me. I also like how the only thing that connects them-- or to the girl at least-- is the music. It's kind of a dark piece but very realistic in some manner, and ever so slightly depressing.
Well done! Keep on writing, please! i hope to see more

~~Ash~~

Hey Lily Here for a review!

LilySoulMahon wrote:I watch him, dazed, in the silence of the greatness of his music filled room.It is bare yet, comma he has filled it. He plays and while he does, comma a smile lies upon his harsh face, showing humanity in his coal black eyes. I'm not sure a smile can show something in one's eyes... Try rephrasing it like '..a smile lies upon his harsh face, lighting up humanity in his coal, black eyes My heart beat races, but is drowned out by his keyboard, his voice and the simple fact that his eyes are fixed on me with contempt. He knows I am a puppet to him now. He is a master of this art and I am its observer, its mute critic. His music is dark like his nature and his voice seems but heavenly in the frame of his demonic mind. I have fallen for a fallen angel, comma as he has captured me in the joy of his voice, the pleasure.
In normal surroundings, he is cold to the touch and to the ears. He is blunt and he is harsh. I smile at him and he returns it with a glance and a nod. I hug him and his body stiffens like slain by my hand. I kiss him and he holds it for yet a second then pulls away almost in disgust. He is arrogant and pompous. He spends his time in front of a mirror staring mesmerized by his own appearance. He perfects himself each day with hours of grooming before he feels he can be seen by all that walk under him. I feel unwanted and unsatisfied with him. That I am dirt. However, now as I watch him play, comma I watch emotion flow into him and pass into the essence of his soul. I am immobilized.
He is also a new person in features. His eyes are lighter, yet still hold his powerful spell. His long dark hair glides lightly over his broad shoulders. He has more colour in his snow white skin now, making his sharp nose and mouth seem more fitted to his slim face. I am lost in his eyes, yet I can't seem to be able to cast my gaze away from his quick fingers. Uh.. is she crossed eyed? I'd like to learn how to keep my eyes on two different things at once! They dance over the keyboard with ease in a beautiful dance. They are quick and elegant in movement. A striking pair.
However, when he stops, comma his arrogance and temper starts These are two things so it has to be plural to slowly return. His deadly serenade disappears into the silence of the world and I feel the hurtful words foam from his mouth once more, the demon in his heart take its full control. Before he utters a word, comma I feel hurt, yet when he sings I feel loved. I feel wanted.I am lost.
He is poison. Yet his bite has already sunk in, comma and I can't escape. I am caught in his musical net. We are but only dating, yet there is no where to run from his pitch black shadow, which is cast upon my tangled path. His music is the only light in the abyss of our now linked lives.

They dance over the keyboard with ease in a beautiful dance. They are quick and elegant in movement. A striking pair.

They dance over the keyboard with ease in a beautiful dance, comma They are quick and elegant in movement. A striking pair.