Published January 8, 2011
Eyes glistening,
A small hand in his.
Palm sweating,
Paranoia begins.
Taken while waiting,
The child will soon be missed.
Time ticking,
A parent soon arives.
Girl humming,
Pace calm for unknowing faces.
Corners turning,
The preys attention turns.
The questioning,
Silence is returned.
Arm pulling,
Grip is tightened.
Panic rushing,
Screams are started.
Sweat growing,
Car is in view.
Heart racing,
Door is unlocked.
Body shaking,
Child is forced in.
Soon joining,
Engine is ready.
Start driving,
The Monster and Prey are gone.
I know its not exactly anything special but I just started writing down what sounded good in my head, hope you like, though I know the topic isnt the best.
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
I really admire the pattern and rhythm you created in the poem. I had to read some lines twice, but I like that in poems that are like this..something about it creates pictures in my head, though you didn't use extensive imagery. The only suggestion I have is to adjust the last line, so you can keep the flow but still end with an effective line. Also, check your grammar as well (I didn't find many errors).
All in all, great job and keep writing!
Hey!
Wow, this was really good!
I liked how you wrote simple actions to create a story!
You have a very good way of writing and I enjoyed your poem a lot!
I hope to see more like this from you!
I did like this poem a lot. It took me reading it a few times to actually understand what it was about, but once I did I thought the idea for it was really cool. The simplicity and the short, descriptive sentences were very powerful.
But I thought some things could be improved upon, which I will now inevitably list off:
I was a little confused as to the order of time you presented, if that makes any sense. I'm not getting the sense that you put everything in chronological order, even if you did. But I thought the child was already in the car and then at the end you say that he's just being pushed in, it was just muddled and hard to understand and I advise clearing that up a bit.
Also, I'm not sure of the poem's fluidity. It was really jumpy, and I know that's kind of the point, but it was a little too jumpy and unstructured from my point of view. I advise reading it aloud to yourself to see which parts need improvement. Actually, I advise this for anything you have to edit, because it really points out the weak spots.
Okay, that's all I'm going to bug you about. Happy writing! Love, Jade.
Although I like the way you describe the fear, my experience tells me that metaphors and similes give the best descriptions. There are many that can be associated with fear, and I suggest you use some. I did get confused in some places, but I have a feeling that that was a feeling you were intending to create. One line I do suggest reworking is:
I am not quite sure what you meant by this, and as it does not seem to increase the tension, I would consider rewriting it.
In terms of grammar, I found one small error:
**prey's**
Good luck editing the poem. Oh, and I think you can just click "edit" on the top right corner and fix the "mosters" part, instead of adding a comment after it's been posted.
I like this Lily.
<3
simple format and it has very interesting imagery in it,
also I do love anythime monsters are mentioned in anything
Ignore this lil comment box, a nice person showed me how to edit a small mistake with the edit button...
My brain sometimes doesnt think...