honest star
i adore you
till the life sucked out
of me in the roaring fire
over the never-ending carousel
forbids us to begin
that which was never begun
honest star
so bright
shining in the night of
no return
against a backdrop of
silky pink hue of
human yearning
in vain attempts to
agitate the morsel of
moss growing beyond
your vision
honest star
believe in me
for i believe in
lands where time stands still
& you & I eclipse
the sun & moon's
organic flow
into each other
honest believer
in singing to yourself
you echo the hollow
bottomlessness of the well
that sings dirges
of lovers weeps
& keeps hungry the thoughts
that tug at your heart
i adore you
till the life sucked out
of us in the roaring fire
over the never-ending
carousel of life
forbids us to think of
that which could have been
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I actually like the lack of capitals and the lack of punctuation in some of my obscure and experimental poems, but since this one has a more traditional subject matter, maybe you're right. So, I'll do something with that.
I can't make it any more exciting or make it flow better since it's a contemplative poem rather than one where actually I'm lovesick in the moment. So thats why it has a slow thoughtful pace, it's not meant to have any major impact on the reader.
And I can see what you mean by the clichés, I'll do something about that.
Thanks
Okay, my first niggle into this poem is the structure. It made me want to stop reading if I'm honest, but I think you can ignore this because I believe it is what you call, personal preference - I do that a lot!
Also, something that bugged me is that you have not capitalized any of your beginning letters at the start of each line, or you haven't capitalized your I's. When you do this, it makes your work look a lot better - more professional and also, kind of easier to read.
I liked the idea of this, but I think you've piled cliche after cliche onto a poem that could be more poetic with only one or two. Think about it - I might be wrong.
One last pointer; I didn't feel comfortable reading the poem when you use the "and sign" [&] I think it would be better if you used the actual word as I believe this is always used in the literature form. Hm?
Good ideas here, just in need of a little improvement,
GingerLizzy
i dont know whether honest star is a person or idea or erm.. never mind i dont know but the flow and the whole poem was really well written. the imagery was great and i'd prefer if you could just use capitals in the necessarry places. the wordings were also powerful.
i just wanted to draw your attention to this part here-
"honest star
i adore you
till the life sucked out
of me in the roaring fire
over the never-ending carousel
forbids us to begin
that which was never begun"
i think there was a tense mistake here. you should use 'adored', in which case it woulld become 'forbade us to begin'. or it should be 'i will adore you' in which case it would be
'till the life is sucked out...'.
i must tell you it was great to read and since you're quite new welcome. it's a shame nobody has posted a critic so far, but never mind they'll come. thanks for the read and will look forward to more........