I've been slacking shamefully! However, after the recent exam we had, I just couldn't stop myself from coming back. The doodled anecdote on the back of my science paper reminded me that studies were, in fact, not everything.
So finally I've written another one. Hope I'm not too rusty.
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“It’ll be a b-e-a-utiful day, with weather forecasts promising a cloudless blue sky! Isn’t that right, Dick?”
“Sure is, and the perfect day for the kids to start sch-“
Jack shut off the radio alarm. It was his first day. After all his efforts to prevent it, to make his mom home-school him, to stop time, it was happening. He was going to school.
Jack walked to the heavily-draped window with all the courage of his few years. He should prepare himself. After all, it wasn’t Halloween, wasn’t the dreadful kind of day when spirits roamed. He should take a peek outside. He shouldn’t be scared.
He was frightened out of his skin.
“Wanna come play ball?” asked his brother with a grin.
Jack shook his head. No matter how fun it seemed, he couldn’t bring himself to step out. Yet he asked. He was a curious child, after all.
“How – how is it like?” Jack asked, then blushed. “Y – you know. Outside.”
“Normal, pretty nice. Hasn't changed much. The sky’s blue, the sun’s bright. The grass’ green, the houses white, the pavements gray. You can hear cars. And little kids screaming, and the neighbours talking. Golly. You feel free, but, uh, sort of safe, y' know? And there’s lots of company. How d’you stand being cooped up here, I dunno." He sneered at the window blinds, and Jack fervently prayed he wouldn't lift them. "You‘ve got to come out sometime, Jack.”
“But what about at night, Bill?”
Bill shrugged. “The same. Just darker and quieter.” His eyes suddenly lit up, animated. “But when the stars come out – ! It’s so cool. And you can see the cons- constill- constellations,” he managed. His eyes softened, as if recalling a sweet memory. Jack’s own were filled with wonder.
His hand reached for the edge of the curtain that hid these wonders, then darted away again. No! He couldn’t do it. To look out, out into the fearful beyond? Jack imagined a dark, hideous creature with its nose pressed against the glass, grinning at him with its rotting mouth. With a cry, he shrunk back.
“Ja-ack!”
Dragging himself to the door, he crept downstairs. The smell of waffles and honey nauseated him. Breakfast never looked more unappetizing. He whimpered and willed himself to be strong. How did he finish it? How did he slip from his pyjamas into his new blue uniform, into his black shoes? How did the hours flick by?
He’d never know. His mother was soon ushering him out the door, pushing his stiffly-terrified self out, against the strength of his thumping, loud heart. Though he had been preparing for the moment since last month, he had never been ready for it. He wasn’t going to, couldn’t step into the- the There. He moaned, tortured. Why didn't his mother love him anymore?
“Go on, Jack,” the woman coaxed. “Nobody else lives past three without going out. You’ll like it again, and you probably won’t even want to come back in.”
Thus was he guided - no, thrown out the door. Jack squeezed his lids shut, trying not to scream.
Get going, Jack.
His heart seemed to have climbed up his throat and onto his tongue. What would he see? Would there be ogres out there to greet him? Were all his brother’s words a sham? Was that sensation through his hair a sign of good, or bad? He opened his eyes.
No monsters. The sun was bright. The grass was green, the houses white, the pavement gray. The wind was gentle, like his mother's hand, while the noisy neighbours' kids made him feel... safe.
Unsure, Jack watched a car pass with wariness. Then another. Was it really okay? He took a step forth.
The newspaper boy rode past and tossed the morning paper onto the porch with the grace of a ballerina, before slipping and not-so-gracefully falling. Jack took another step. A girl about his age flew towards the unfortunate biker, soon followed by a battalion of similar youngsters. The boy was much more lucky than his strewn papers, though.
Running to help them, Jack smiled, relieved. Maybe not for the newspaper boy, but for Jack, it was beautiful day.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
A very cute story. ^^
I have to say that I was confused at first exactly how old Jack was. Like Rosey said, I don't think that a little kid would have an alarm clock and have to go to school, and there were times when the tone got too mature for his age. I do like the maturity of the tone, because that only adds to the cuteness by making the issue seem that much more serious, but sometimes it got a bit much.
I also agree with Hippie that the mother and brother seemed a tad insensitive. They hardly seem to know he has a disorder, or at least don't seem to think it's such a big issue. That brings me to my biggest concern with the story: Just how long has Jack been afraid of the outdoors? I find it hard to believe that a three year old boy would have spent his entire life inside, but at the same time the way the story's written implies that he never has seen what outside is like. His family's cavalier attitude towards his fear also suggests that it's only manifested recently. That timeline confusion was the one factor that prevented me from enjoying this story as much as I should have.
Finally, I think that Jack overcame his fear much too quickly. If he really does have agoraphobia to the extent that the rest of the story's been implying, he should not overcome his fear in such a snappy second. It reads almost like you were at a hurry to conclude. Have Jack be scared at first, but the more he observes of outside, the more beautiful he realizes it is. A gradual transition would be much more realistic.
Aside from those few bumps, though, I loved it. I was chuckling throughout it, yet feeling very bad for poor Jack--I know exactly what it feels like to have such an intense fear of something (though not the outdoors...I'm the kind who would die if I stayed inside all day). You hit the perfect notes in depicting his fear: his not believing his brother, for instance, and his thoughts about seeing ogres and monsters outside. And how he tries looking outside but snaps the curtain shut. It all feels very realistic for such a young child, which is rare because a lot of writers have trouble depicting children and their emotions.
Great story. Despite its shortness, I felt somewhat sorry after I finished--it was just that good and I was just that involved. That doesn't often happen. ^^
PM me with questions, comments, concerns.
Hiya!
This was cute. I liked how it was told from a really little kid's perspective and how he was afraid. I did have a hard time figuring out how old the kid was, mostly from the alarm going off and him having to shut it off. Could be me but I always moms waking little kids up to go to school.
I also found that the turn-around at the end was a bit sudden. We just have a list of how it looks outside that's rather neutral. I'd like to really see the land described as beautiful, with the sun shining on his face and the wind ruffling his hair. That would make the turn-around more believable in my opinion.
Overall, it was pretty sweet just a touch confusing about his age. I'd also like to see a bit more "pretty" description at the end so we understand how he gets over his fear.
PM me with questions!
~Rosey
Great portrayal of Jack's fear.
So he's got some sort of psychological disorder where he's scared of going outside. Then why did his brother ask him to come outside to play ball? Surely he would have known about Jack's disorder. Unless he was just teasing.
While we're on the topic of the brother, I'll say that he doesn't seem all that authentic. E.g.
I've never met a kid who's this well spoken. In fact, I've never met anyone this well spoken.
Even if you did want to make Bill extremely bright, his tripping over the word constellations ruins the effect, and makes him inconsistent.
The mother comes across as horribly insensitive here. I can't imagine many mothers who make waffles with honey for breakfast calling their child with a psychological disorder an idiot.
The ending was an interesting turn of events, when he finally discovers that it's safe outside. I'm not so sure the change would happen that fast though. I'm no expert on phobias and stuff though, so don't quote me.