Green Waters

Sorry for posting so near to my last story, especially in the same forum, but I needed to get this in before tomorrow (that would be a weekday here. It means my self-enforced computer ban.). Hopefully it'll garner some reviews when the week is done. I was just thinking about going back in time. Rip it apart.

The water is green. I stare; stare at the rippling surface, and it seems that the longer I do, the greener it gets. The hue is nothing like the calm azure that often represents natural bodies of water in scenic paintings. Perhaps it is the trees standing guard around the lake; perhaps it is the micro life dwelling in it. It seems familiar, somehow. Have I been here before? Curious, I tiptoe forward. The mud cakes the base of my feet the way wet earth around ponds do: it plasters dry grass and dead leaves to my soles. I barely notice. The object of my attention is ahead.

I hear laughter behind me, accompanied by a call: “Nana! Nana!” that I do not heed. The lake tugs and pulls me forth, into its fairy ring. I pretend I do not hear. Old women are prone to bad hearing; I block out all noise, I force the affliction upon myself. But it is not hard – the children’s cries disappear from my earshot, the birds cease their tuneless twittering. Even the crickets halt their chirps. Complete, dead silence falls. I feel the pressure of it against my eardrums, feel it stifle me. It makes me aware that I had stopped breathing.

As the water comes within a foot’s distance, I turn from bold to shy, hesitating and yet yearning to take a step into the lake. My foot inches closer, closer, closer… it touches the supposed shade of jealousy, submerges itself into the cool liquid. The cleansing sensation entices me: I take another step, and look down. The sight is not pretty. A brown haze is dispersing, settling. A broken reflection of a grey woman dances around my leg. A fanciful one, I muse. For what other kind would walk barefoot in unknown ground?

The sunlight leaves my form, hiding behind the skirts of cartoon clouds. Where my figure cuts a dark shadow, I can see the bottom of the lake. There are no fish. There are no rocks. Disinterested, I raise my eyes again, allowing the rest of the pond to enter my vision. The lily pads twirl, fairylike, in different parts of the newly-disturbed pool. Even there, my intrusion is felt.

My eyelids droop of their own accord. Not from fatigue – heavens! No! – but from an unfamiliar need, a voiceless command. Then I see it. A slim, black-haired girl is splashing her feet in the water; a girl of the past, a girl who was once me, but no longer. She walks closer, closer still to where I stand. She stops.

A strange music fills my head. What? Where from? I try to open my eyes, but they refuse my order. Images, memories I forgot long ago, thoughts I never remember to think: they flash before me, first vividly, then slowly turning vaguer. I see myself setting down the picnic basket with my grandchildren – then standing in the bus – then walking into the house. It is as if my memories are rewinding, going deeper and deeper back. My husband’s funeral. My eightieth birthday. My son’s marriage. I forget the world outside, my mind focusing on the one inside. Not the real world, but my own. If I bother to think of it, I will, perhaps, feel an excruciating agony. I know it subconsciously, the nagging pain taking a backseat in my head. The confusion forces a soundless scream from my lips, one of frustration, and one that I do not hear.

And all at once, it stops.

- I blink. What am I doing in this mud pool? The fish are snatching at my legs. I must have been here long – the water is still and tranquil. I look down at my feet, but see only my reflection. My glossy black hair slips from behind my ears. Sighing, I walk out of the lake and search for my shoes. There they are – hiding behind a large tree root. I don’t bother to put them on. The mud will only dirty them. Holding them with one hand and tucking my hair back with the other, I return to the clearing whence I came. Mom and Dad might be looking for me.

If you think that the narrative seems to simplify at the end, that's how it should be. She's a teen.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Conrad Rice
Review

Hi LilyJamey! I'm Conrad, your reviewer for today. Pardon me if I say anything that the other two reviewers said, but I'm not going to read their reviews, since I want to look at yours without any other views influencing my final critique. So, with that being said, let's get to it.

I stare, stare at the rippling surface, and it seems that the longer I do, the greener it gets.


I don't really like the two stares right by each other. If you use a semicolon instead of a comma it might be better, but I ultimately recommend using just one stare and getting rid of the comma.

The mud cakes the base of my feet the way wet earth around ponds do: they plaster dry grass and dead leaves to my soles.


I would rewrite this as: The mud cakes the base of my feet the way wet earth around ponds does; it plasters dry grass and dead leaves to my soles. Be mindful of your singular and plural tenses, young Padawan. :)

Complete silence falls. Dead silence.


Complete, dead silence falls. Combining these two sentences sounds a bit better to me.

Holding them with one hand and tucking my hair back with the other, I return to the clearing from whence I came.


Now, for a more overall look at this. It was a good story, overall. I could follow along very well, and I liked it a great deal. In fact, that's why I chose to nitpick at you up there, because the plot and the main character are both great here. Just polish up the little stuff I pointed out and you ought to do just fine with this.

Again, nice job. PM me if you have any questions. Good job, and good luck. :)

User avatar
LilyJamey
Comment

I thought I'd drop by since there's no homework today...

Yay! 2 reviews!

FLyerS: Just edited a part to make it clearer. It actually states "a girl who was once me". If you don't get it...

Evi: Wow! Long review! Thanks..
I added half a sentence to make the character clearer.
I added one sentence about her feelings. :P
I added two sentences on the silence.
(Notice they multiply by 2.)
A++! Wooohoo!

Thanks again for the reviews, really, really, really appreciate them!

User avatar
Evi
Review
Evi wrote a review · Sun Feb 01, 2009 10:47 pm

Wow! This is a great little plot you have going. Will it be expanded?

So, the dreaded nit-picks are actually not coming today. I can tell that you proof-read this before posting, which makes my job easier. :D I'm going to go more in-depth instead of crazy nitpick mode.

PLOT: There is, like I said, a nice little plot forming. The beauty of this piece is that it could work equally well as an entire 700+ page novel, or exactly as you have it now: short, simple, and sweet. It's a unique take on time-travel, which can be such a cliched and unoriginal topic. So, I liked it. I should just come out and say it, shouldn't I? :wink:

CHARACTER: I'm not sure exactly what to put here, but it's such an essential aspect to every story. We don't even know the character's name, but that's no problem for me. In fact, sometimes names are trivial to a bigger picture, and just take away from the story as a whole. You know what I mean? The best part about your character is the transition between old to young-- it's done quite seamlessly. My only problem is that you can hardly tell it's even the same person. The writing style does simplify, and that's probably a wise choice from a writer's standpoint, but if you didn't tell mne they were the same person, I probably wouldn't have known. People don't lose their traits over the years, no matter how old they get, and I think you could manage to add some identifying characteristics to help connect to teenager to the elderly lady.

That was long. Sorry.

PACE: The pace is smooth except for when she's reliving her memories. It needs to be a bit more obvious, instead of you just listing her life as it rewinds. How does she feel watching time flow back? Is she awed? Confused? Happy? Peaceful? Scared? Freaking-out? etc...

WORD CHOICE: I think there's not much problem in this department. I have a single suggestion...let me find it...aha!

Complete silence falls. Dead silence.


This would actually be the perfect spot to add some imagery or extra description in the place of 'dead silence'. How does the silence make her feel? Is it pressing on her ears, threatening to overwhelm her? Or is it a gentle process, each bit ot sound drifting away until she's left with nothing but her memories. See how much more poetic that is?

DESCRIPTION: A++ in description, love. I saw every bit of it.

Good luck on this, and I hope I was helpful. PM me if you need anything!

User avatar
FLyerS
Review
FLyerS wrote a review · Sun Feb 01, 2009 9:09 pm

Very descriptive! But you need to work out a few small flow changes. This type of writing is very much like poetry or music. You must let it flow to the best of your ability. Also, when she rewinds, you need to make the transition clearer. Almost like you were writing it for a stupid person. A stupid person who knows big words. Am I making sense? :smt023 :elephant: :smt068 :smt065 :smt072 :smt063 I <3 emotocons.



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