z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Hear me Pals!

by Lily708


I hear beats in my head,

Metronomes and raps with every word said,

My heart's like a drum,beating faster it can ,

Making me physically numb.

Got the guitar strings in my veins,

Music infinitely reigns.

Visualize through the keys of piano,

Feels like dynamo.

Electronica controls this nervous impulse.

Psst! I get it right nobody ever tells.

Music rings to death and life it calls.

So I shout it loud, now hear me Pals!!

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73 Reviews

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:28 am
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NightKaizer wrote a review...



HEELLO Lily,
A poem about music. Music is a wonderful thing. There are so many different genres, so many different styles, so many different instruments and choices. Music is for everybody.
"My heart's like a drum, beating faster." I can feel it. The music pounding in my veins. This happens often during after school dances at my school, when everyone can just socialize and bring out the true you through your dance moves.
"Music rings to death and life it calls." When music plays, we are all very much alive. Alive and crazier than before, almost like we're drunk if you know what i mean.
The rhyming in the line for the piano seems kind of off. The beat suddenly changes and I kinda lost the rhythm when I read the dynamo part. Also, some parts of the poem rhyme, but other parts don't. That made it kinda confusing when I read it. Just a tip.
Pals. That's a nice word.

Your pal,

Night Kaizer




Lily708 says...


Thanks...Night Kaizer!Appreciate that pal..;)
Yeah...It's like 2-3 reviews on the word piano..I'm definitely gonna change that.But looks like my brain's been jammed for a while:P.So yeah..I'll try to work on it at the earliest.:)



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Thu Feb 23, 2017 4:28 am
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SilverBerry wrote a review...



Hello! Silverberry here for a review! I noticed that you're new to YWS so welcome! I'm excited to review your first poem on the website, for said poem is pretty good! I like that you chose to write about music, for though it has been done before, that is not a bad thing for it is very relatable and it affects everyone in different ways. Your writing seemed to have a fast flow to it, if that makes sense, with the use of "beating" and "rings" and "nervous impulse", that really added to the type of music you were talking about and you described the feeling it gave you really well. I'm also impressed that you used rhyme, and I think it added more to your poem. There are some things you could use some work on, but they mostly have to do with the technical parts of the poem.

I hear beats in my head,
Metronomes and raps with every word said,
My heart's like a drum, beating faster it can ,
Making me physically numb.
I would suggest, first of all, dividing your poem into stanzas, for that you would make it easier to read and group your ideas. The first thing I noticed is that you seem to be missing a word (it probably rhymes with numb if you want to keep your rhyme scheme) for I'm waiting for what the heart can do when it's beating faster. Though to be honest, I think it'd be cool if you made every last line in each stanza not rhyme to make it your final thought, but if you want to keep the rhyme scheme that's great too! Just make sure to be consistent.

got the guitar strings in my veigns,
Music infinitely reigns.
Visualiza through the keys of piano,
Feels like dynamo.

I like that you incorporate music like rap and electronics but also add more classical aspects like piano and write about guitar strings and metronomes; this really adds to your overall theme. I'm afraid I didn't love this part as much though because the last two lines here don't really make much sense to me. First of all, I think you had another type with "visualiza", but it's an easy fix! Also, the rhyme falls apart a little. No worries though for I'll try to help. I like the first two lines, for veigns and reigns are a nice pairing and the lines are quite soulful (which is quite important in poetry) For piano and dynamo, the rhyme sounds forced because "dynamo" is not a word-this is something you want to avoid in rhyme because it makes you seem constricted and sounds a little awkward. The word "piano" in general is a little difficult to find a rhyme for, I'd suggest putting piano at the beginning of the sentence and ending it with a word that will be easier to rhyme with.

Electronica controls this nervous impulse.
Psst! I get it right nobody ever tells.
Music rings to death and life it calls.
So I shout it loud, now hear me Pals!!

I like the use of onomatopoeia here with "Psst", especially since you're often talking about sounds, and I like how the "volume" of the poem seems to increase with he capitalized "Pals" and double exclamation marks, good job on the end! Unfortunately, your rhyme scheme crumbles a little bit here for the rhyme scheme is non existent. Technically "calls" and "Pals" may be considered a slant rhyme, but I wouldn't want to end my poem with a slant rhyme since you want to finish strong and be conistant. I don't really understand the second line here. What do you get right that nobody ever tells? Why doesn't anybody tell? It's just a little confusing to me. I'd consider moving some of the words around in this whole group on lines to try to make it a little more smooth.

Anyways, overall I did like your poem and the meaning in it and I love that you chose to write about music! There are some technical issues you may want to work on, but I'm sure you'll figure them out. Good job and I hope I helped! Keep writing!




Lily708 says...


Hey,Silverberry!!
Thanks a lot for your review,some of the hints you gave like dividing the poem,didn't strike me at all...was really helpful though.Umm..and yeah I'll try replacing the word dynamo with something reasonable.

I actually typed it wrong,the second sentence in the 3rd para...should have read it thoroughly before publishing..it's actually..
"Psst! I get it now,nobody ever tells".
This might not make clear sense to others but people in my place look at music in a wrong way,they say it isn't for the descent except for my family,we have no restrictions on the type of music we can listen to.Almost everyone in my home are music lovers and I've got friends who are crazy about music too...but they don't tell it out because of their backgrounds.So, with that particular sentence I'm just trying to draw those people's attention who are obsessed with music( Music has control over them and brings them alive- written in the 1st and 3rd line of 3rd para) but don't say a word.I just don't know how to put those things into words...I think I'll need your help here too..:l

Anyways.Thanks a lot Siverberry for all your help,I'll work on editing ..looks like it needs a lot work..^ ^



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Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:36 am
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Atticus wrote a review...



This was a really great poem and I just noticed a few spots you could improve. The first was in line 3 (My heart's like a drum, beating faster it can) which seems to contain a typo or at the least poor wording. Perhaps you meant as fast as it can? That has the same number of syllables and seems to make more grammatical sense. Also line 10 (Psst I get it right nobody ever tells) doesn't appear to flow very well and the "Psst" seems a little informal and is an odd sound to make if you were to read this poem. That could possibly be reworeded. Otherwise you did great and this has potential to be a fun little poem.




Lily708 says...


Thanks a lot for your review MJTucker...:)
I'll try replacing those words you picked out..your hints are great!!!!:3




Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca