Published June 8, 2007
Chapter One
Danica’s head was still pounding when she came to her senses. “What happened?” Her voice cracked and when she tried to sit up, she felt the blood rush in her head making her ease back down on a pillow. Her eyes closed wearily.
“Good to see that you’re awake?” The voice was unfamiliar but near by and a welcome presence.
“What happened?” Danica repeated the question.
“Shush, you’ll have quite an effort on you’re body. You’ll need to stay in bed for a day or two more.”
Danica opened her eyes and locked gazes with a pair of green eyes. They were standing over the bed and out the window. But as her eyes skimmed over the walls around her, shock sent in.
She wasn’t in any hospital room she had ever seen. In fact this was unlike any room she had ever seen. The walls were made of an odd blue rock like…
“Sapphire City!” Danica screamed in distress.
“So you have heard of us. By the way you dressed, we suspected you were not from here.” It was obvious that she didn’t hear the fear in her voice.
“I’m…I’m not.” She was whispering but the new thought that flowed to her head made her relax. It had to be a dream, right. The accident must have knocked me out, that’s all.
Danica was doing a great job at convincing herself.
The woman was looking at her questioningly. “Then how?”
“It’s a long story.” When the woman looked away, Danica smiled to wryly at her own personal joke. Soon she would wake up in a real hospital bed surrounded by her family.
“I’ll let you keep that two you’re self then. I have other charges to attend to.” Without another word, the woman disappeared out the door, a head of brown hair bobbing behind her.
Danica closed her eyes and let sleep wash through her subconscious. The vision in her dream made her shutter within.
“Mama, what happened to Danny?” Mile, the youngest Holden was tugging on Mrs. Holden’s shirt.
“She’s just asleep and she may be for a long time.” The tired looking woman was running her hand through six-year-old Mile’s hair.
Danica was lying in a sterile hospital bed with her head just escaping over the blankets. Her hair was messy and untamed tied back with a little rubber band. Monitors of all types beeped and buzzed around her in a terrifyingly hypnotic rhythm.
She saw her oldest brother Troy leaning in the corner with concern plastered on his face. Her other four brothers were scattered throughout the room. Even the college-goers were there to show concern.
But her own still, bruised face was planted in her memory.
Her head shot up and got dizzy but she didn’t lie back down. The first rays of sunlight were being cast into the window by the sun just peeking over the horizon.
“Careful now. Hanna said you can walk around but you’re to be careful.” A girl no older than herself was perched at the foot of the bed watching her.
“How long was I asleep?” Danica asked.
“Three days.” The girl moved gracefully across the room to a set of clothing on the back of a chair. “I believe these will be more to your suiting. The clothing you were found in will greatly stand out in the city.”
She held up a pale yellow dress with fringed sleeves and a square neck. “Thank you.” It was the only thing she could really say for a second but then remember the line from Gems of the North. “Blessings be to you.”
“So you do know our traditions. Good. We were not sure if were one of us or not. I only hope people will not recognize you. Girls falling out of the sky and into a public hanging are not so usual though they did release the man. He insists on meeting you and even sent a small gift.” The girl lifted a small box off the floor only to place it on the chair with the dress.
Danica’s face was plastered with questions. “I don’t remember anything really. When did I arrive?” She used the word “arrive” lightly.
“Twelve days ago.”
She was about to turn and leave but Danica stopped her.
“What’s your name?”
“Katie.” Katie was small with a mess of red hair pulled into a bun on her head. Freckles dotted her pale skin and showed off a pair of gorgeous blue eyes. “Hanna would wish to know your name. The Queen has been asking about you.”
“Danica Holden,” she answered.
“Good-bye, Danica Holden.” Katie curtsied and disappeared out the door.
Danica had almost forgotten that she was allowed to walk and eased her way out of bed. At first, her legs were shaky but she made a couple of loops around the room before sitting down on the chair, careful of the dress and box. They had left her in only her neon pink panties and matching bra.
Chilled and nervous that someone would catch her half naked, she threw the long dress over her head and let the graceful satin cloth fall over every curve–or not curve–of her body.
After admiring her reflection in a small mirror, she turned her attention to the box that had tottered to the floor. It was wrapped in brown paper and tied with twine. Playfully, she stiffened her back and attempted to act “civilized” as her mother had always pressed her to be.
When the paper was pulled away, she revealed a long stretch of pink ribbon and a note folded in fourths at the bottom of the little wooden box.
To my nameless savior,
I would like to thank you more personally another time but for now, I’ll give you this ribbon. I have little to offer you except for what was left by my mother and my loyalty to you. You have saved me from death and I am forever grateful.
Angelo
Danica tucked the note away carefully within her bra and before fingering the ribbon in the box. It was soft with wear but did not fringe or stretch with use. The fact that this man, Angelo, had been sentenced to death did not make her any less unappreciative of the gift. In fact, she cared even more for the little trinket now that she would have had it come from anyone else.
As she began to stand, Hanna, the compelling green-eyed woman, walked into the room. “So, you’re doing well?”
“Yes. I’m feeling much better,” Danica replied and nodded.
“Good because Queen Isa has been rather preoccupied with bombarding me about your health.” Queen Isa had only been a princess during Gems of the North. Perhaps this is farther in the future of the Sapphire City. “She wishes to see you. But first I must ask you brush your hair or something. It’s quite a mess and the Queen would not approve.”
“Of course.” Danica hadn’t even noticed the major case of bed head she had now. “Do you have a comb?”
Hanna reached into the little pouch at her waist and handed her an ivory comb. “Be careful will you. It was a gift from my mother.”
Rather than answer, Danica took the comb to her hair and began to untangle the knots in her long black mane. When she was finished, Danica revealed the pink lace from her balled up fist and in the rooms awkward silence, she pulled her hair to a pony tale at the nape of her neck, letting every bit of excess material hang down her back.
“I must admit. You are quite beautiful to not be from here. I’ve never seen a foreigner whose hair runs blue. It runs in the royal family,” Hanna remarked taking the comb back from Danica. Of course, Danica knew most of this from the book but she liked being called beautiful.
“Thank you,” she replied and took another look in the little hand mirror. For the first time, wit her hair bunched together, she realized how heavily the blue ran through her hair. Perhaps it was just her wild imagination.
“You’re welcome. Now, we must hurry or keep the Queen waiting.” Hanna began to scuffle out of the room. Even in her own dream, Danica didn’t know what to expect.
The street was just beginning to rustle to life and shops were opening their doors. People began to stumble out of their homes and set to work. Several people looked at her with curiosity but with the curiosity that came from seeing someone new at school or at work. They didn’t recognize her. Danica grin silently at the complex world she had trapped herself in.
Hanna led her down the twisting, turning streets of Sapphire City. It was everything she had imagined, read, and more. The stone pathways glistened and glowed just like the walls of her room. Even the most down trodden shop had that blue tinge Danica had read about with great expectation.
But as they turned the corner, a whole new spectrum of sound wrapped around her. Subtle at first, the wild voices sang in a whole other language, so fast that even if she had known what was being said, their rapid tongues moved so listlessly that they could barely be understood.
Soon, the troupe she had been expecting came into view. Carmen was so distinct among the other gypsies. Her voice was high and fast, the soprano sound dancing around her spinning feet. Locks of blond hair spun around her like exotic wings. That was why she was known through out the city as the Earthbound Goddess. She was Carmen. She was the Carmen who was beautiful and talented beyond all expectations for a girl born an orphan.
At least this proved that Carmen didn’t die in the story and Danica was glad.
Hanna however, looked disapprovingly at the troupe and sucked in air between her teeth. Shaking her head, she led Danica down a different street. But Danica couldn’t help letting her eyes and her ears wander until she became blind to the dancers and deaf to the music.
That was when the magnificent gates of the castle came into view. Delicate blue veins ran through the crystal door and formed ever-changing images like the clouds overhead, just as whimsical and beautiful.
She almost didn’t realize that a soldier had approached and lead them though the small door that had appeared somehow or another at the base of the door. And she almost didn’t realize that she was walking closer to the archway and into the deep shadow of the door. But she did realize that her heartbeat had sped up and she sighed.
“Welcome to Sapphire City.” The voice boomed an echoed with dignity and magnificent. Danica could only grin. After all, this was just some twisted dream.
That's all I've got but I'll add if I feel inspired.
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
I really like the story so far. CAn't wait to see what happens next!
Hey there, Lilith!
Mmm, interesting. On a first readthrough, it seemed like you have the pace and characterization down (though I'll touch on some suggestions later); therefore, I'm going to go through this line-by-line...
Er, the red sentence is awfully long - not so much wordwise, but more actionwise. She does three things, and it seems a bit much. My suggestions is that you cut out the part about her voice cracking. And can the feeling of blood rushing to her head really make her ease down?
How is that a question?
The red dialogue sounds unnatural. And in the last paragraph, you say eyes twice and it sounds strange. The eyes were standing? They were standing out the window? I'm confused - why not just say they hovered over her? I think you mean 'shock set in'
Erm, I think the word 'screamed' implies distress. 'Cried' might work better, but that is a personal preference.
The idea of the people recognizing because of her dress is all right, but I think it would be really neat if you created some contrast between what these people wore and what Danica is wearing, because it leaves the reader wondering how the dress is different if you just let it hang. The last sentence is wickedly confusing - I would just delete it.
Hmm, this was a little strange. The passive voice of 'was whispering' is a bit off-kilter, so I suggest using active 'she whispered' instead. And everything after that is awkward. For cleaning this paragraph up, I suggest taking out the part about something flowing to her head. Perhaps portray her fear more clearly, then launch into her thoughts of 'it had to be a dream, right?' and then illustrate that she is beginning to relax. Make sense?
The sentence with Danica is really not necessary. And 'questioningly' is a nasty adverb- get rid of it. Just say the woman looked at her.
Wait a minute. Now this is a joke? Her dream is a joke? I'm not really seeing how it's funny.
This woman has some very odd-sounding dialogue.
shutter should be shudder. On another note, the second sentence is just weird. Isn't she still in her dream? And 'vision' doesn't sound right. I suggest just cutting that part.
The contras of the mother saying 'just asleep' versus 'she may be asleep for a long time' doesn't sound right. While one is minimizing the seriousness, the other maximizes it.
Er, get rid of 'sterile'. Can be implied. And her head is escaping over the blankets? How does that happen? Try another word. You say her hair is messy and untamed, yet tired back in a rubber band - I think you should describe that a little more clearly, but perhaps saying 'her hair was tied back in a pony tail in a rubber band, pieces of hair sticking out all over' except better. I'm sure you can come up with something more creative, but can you see how that implies untamed and messy?
Concern plastered on his face? Er, that sounds a bit odd - what does that concern look like? If you don't want to go into what it looks like, then at least don't use plastered. College-goers? Who are they? They have not been mentioned before, have they? The double adjectives on 'face' sounds like a overkill. Choose either 'still' or 'bruised.'
Her head got dizzy? Word choice? You're giving her head a lot of action. I would suggest rewording it "She shot up in bed, but did not lie back down even though she felt dizzy." So... that wasn't the greatest, but you get the idea, hopefully.
Er... a set of clothing sounds a bit strange. How about 'some clothes' instead? And the dialogue is, again, awkwardly worded - to her suiting? What about 'I believe these will suit you' or 'I believe you will find these to your liking.'? And you've already touched on the fact that her clothing is unusual, so why not just omit that last awkward bit of dialogue (where she says 'the clothing you were found in will greatly...') The sentence that begins with 'it was the only thing she could really say...' is awkward; do something to it.
Interesting. So she fell into a public hanging.
Her face was plastered with questions? What? Are there slips of paper with questions plastered to her face? 'Plastered' doesn't work there. And why is she using 'arrive' lightly? Does that signify anything?
More natural dialogue... good. Can I reword the sentence that begins with 'Katie was small with...'? It's bugging me. What do you think of 'Katie was a small woman, her messy, red hair pulled back into a bun'?
I think you should get rid of everything before 'eased her way out of bed' and just say 'Danica eased her way out of bed'. The almost forgetting to walk is strange. The second sentence is odd, because you are negating that her legs are shaky with a but, but you do not mention her legs getting any steadier.
Get rid of 'or not curve'
Tottered? Word choice?
she revealed should be it revealed. You don't need 'of the little wooden box'
Pretty cool. ^_^
It didn't fringe? How can something fringe itself? It can't. I suggest using the word 'tear' instead. The last sentence is awkward; time to reword! As you can see, I've started crossing things out for you 'cause it's quicker and I've already touched on my most of the reasons why. If you have questions on any of them, you can PM me.
Bombarding? Unless the queen is throwing things at Hanna because of Danica's health, that is not right. In the red, you suddenly start telling us about Queen Isa - bad! If you must tell us this, have Danica think it in italics. But still don't have her think it right in the middle of Hanna's speech. You'll need a new paragraph for that thought.
A major case of bed head? I think you could be more vivid about her hair instead of using the generic term 'bed head'
Now she has a mane?
The red dialogue is awkward. Her hair runs blue? Wha? You used 'runs' twice, so omit one.
The blue runs heavily? Word choice?
I would avoid passive and say 'Hanna scuffled'
I'm questioning your word choice in blue. This part is better.
You say that Danica had been expecnting them troupe; I think it would be neat if you mentioned her searching for them earlier to hint at that. May I reword the last two sentences? "She was Carmen - beautiful, talented beyond what people expected of a girl born an orphan."
Tee hee
The last sentence is awkward.
The red sentence is awkward and confusing.
The red sentence is weird and confusing.
Whoa, that was long. Sorry.
I am sorry if I sound harsh; I do not mean to. I'm only trying to help you out. Here's a summary of things to work on:
There may have been more I wanted to say, but this critique has already gone on too long, so I'll edit anything else I see in later.
Despite my criticism, this was pretty good! Your basics such as characterization and pace are great; if they weren't, I would not have gone over this in such detail. Nice job and keep on writing! PM me if you have any questions!
you should say By the way you ARE dressed, it,s proper English or what ever lol
the word to is not really needed nor does it sound good
find a way to explian how old she is
you forgot to double enter, and when a person speaks it starts a new paragraph
you forgot the you
tou could add a comma, you dont have many of those and your sentances will be read fast with out a puase or any emotion
right before that you wrote that she was careful not to sit or harm or touch the items on her chiar, which is it?
i couldnt finish it, but it was really really hard to find crits, lol its really though!
Good! So far (I read the prologue) it is slightly boring, but that can always change
. I don't have much to say so good job and keep going!
-The green one
hi. It was quite good and intriguing.
But i've got a few things.
1) you've got to be carefull about your spelling.
2) There's a lot of places where you use words in a sort of odd way:
Can eyes stand?
3) Alos, i just thought this was odd:
can you be born and orphan??
4) Over all good story. It's a little hard to follow at times but you'll get the hang of it!
Have fun,
Erin