Published July 9, 2008
Chapter One
Noel Flincher sat in the back of the classroom, eyes closed. She wasn’t asleep. She wasn’t daydreaming. She was screaming.
And the voices in her head were screaming back.
“No one cares about you. Just do it. DIE,” she taunted, her voice sharp like the calls of a predatory bird. “You know you should. No one will care if you die. They’ll just laugh. You’ve got it coming. You’re worthless.”
“Look at what you’re doing, Noel. Taking up precious space. This isn’t your place.” His voice was deep, like the growl of a rabid dog.
“No.” Noel wrapped her arms around her chest, shaking. “Get out of my head. Just stop. Go away.” She couldn’t yell at them, just whimper and pray that they would take pity on her. After thirteen years, she had lost all hope of forgetting their terror. But if nothing, they could just leave.
“Why would you want us to leave you, little Noel? We’re the only ones that care about you. If we leave, you have no one.” Theol’s voice softened, fabricating concern.
The onset of tears was approaching. Her eyes were burning and she couldn’t stop shaking.
“Noel,” the voice was soft, a whisper.
Not Theol.
Not Dala.
Noel opened her eyes.
Bastian Jesser was leaning towards her, his head cocked to the side, concerned. His expressions were
always exaggerated and he wore his emotions in his slender face. For the time being – as soon as she locked her simple green-eyed gaze with his sharp, wide blue one – the heckling chortle in her head subsided.
“Yeah.” She loosened the grip around herself and tried to hide whatever emotions were welling up on her own face.
“Are you alright? Cold?” The worry in his voice was authentic. He leaned closer.
“Yeah, just cold,” she lied.
Bastian started to pull at the sleeves of his sweatshirt. As he lifted it over his head, she caught a glimpse of his pale, scrawny stomach.
Noel tried to smile but it was a foreign contortion of muscles and she stopped before he looked at her. She had never really noticed his looks until now.
He was cute in an unconventional way, long and wiry, like she was (lacking her curves of course) with scraggily brown hair brushed away from his face. He reminded her of those guys who spent every afternoon sitting on the curb with their skateboarding buddies, but never actually set foot on a board.
“Keep it as long as you like.” Bastian pressed the worn gray sweatshirt into her lap and smiled. Noel was obligated to smile back.
“Thank you.” She burrowed into it, arms through first before lifting the rest of the cotton monster over her head. It smelt good. Musky and masculine
“Any time.”
“HOW DID SHE DO THAT?” Dala bellowed, thrusting her talons into the wooden crate. She paused for a minuet, inhaled, and pulled away from the warehouse shelves. “Never, and I mean NEVER, has that child ever been able to force us away. Why now?”
Her entire form was shaking in anger.
“You should have been paying attention. It had nothing to do with Noel. It was that boy. More specifically, it was his compassion,” Theol floated several feet off the ground, eyes closed, back stooped, voice – though still more animal than human – was smooth and composed. He was more curious of the sudden overcoming of his powers than angry.
Dala glared at him, but didn’t tempt the old monster. He was radiating with power, his entire aura attuned to a frequency to strong for the young demon. Though she had never dared ask him outright, she was almost certain that Theol was one of the god Morpheus’s sons. He had more power than any Master of Nightmares to have preceded him.
There was silence between student and teacher. Dala silently contemplated her teacher’s ancestry. Theol searched for a meal.
“You’re still curious, aren’t you?” He growled, still focusing himself on the hunt. “You want to know how.”
“Is it really possible for compassion to overcome power.” She had wandered towards the crates again, but her rage had been smothered by curiosity.
“Quite.” Theol opened his eyes and drifted back to the ground. “You should have been able to understand this immediately. Everything we can do is based on fear. But when someone suddenly forgets that fear, we loose our grip. She was distracted by emotions that weren’t built on fear. We haven’t lost her forever, just for the moment.”
Dala didn’t reply. Rather, she glided over to a window and gazed at her reflexion. Very rarely did Dala ever feel the need to be vain, but something had pulled her towards the glass. She was a monster of shadows. And all that stared back was a pair of burning red eyes. She remembered her mother’s words.
“We are mara, we have no need for trivial beauty. We have power. That is beauty enough.”
And then she looked back at Theol, hunched with age and decayed by malevolence. Would she become like him in time? Another century, maybe two is all it would take. She had managed to retain the shape of a human silhouette for almost a millennium now, with slender curves and breasts. She would have been beautiful if she was nothing more than shadows.
But she wasn’t.
And in one swift punch, she shattered the window.
Theol looked at her, puzzled. “What troubles you now, dearest Dala?”
She was hesitant to answer. The truth would be a sign of weakness. “Nothing.”
Noel wasn’t sure why she was doing what she was doing, but she was. It wasn’t like her to walk up to anyone, especially when the hallway was in upheaval, every student making a dash for the doors, trying to escape the suffocating corridors of Brighton High School and into the freedom of the weekend.
“Bastian.” Her voice was meek, hard to hear over the crowd but Bastian must have heard.
“Oh, Noel, hi.” Even he was surprised to see her but continued shoving books into his locker.
She couldn’t find her words for a moment. Instead, she thrust his tattered gray sweatshirt towards him. “I thought I should probably give this back. Thanks again.” The hall was beginning to clear and a breeze was wafting in through the front doors.
“Really, its no big deal,” Bastian took it, started to through it into his locker, but stopped. “You know, I’ve got a lot of these. Keep it.”
Noel was shocked but before she knew it, the gray monster was back in her hands. “Are you sure?”
“Of course. Hey, do you need a ride home? My truck’s a big rusty but by far it’s more comfortable then the bus.” His big expressive face was filled with expectation.
“I only live a block away. I can walk.” She paused, not sure of what to say next. Why was it so hard for her to have a simple conversation? Had Dala and Theol stolen absolutely everything from her?
“Alright then, bye.”
And Bastian started to walk off down the deserted hall. Noel watched him. And when he stopped, turned, and looked at her again, she was surprised.
“Hey, Noel. Me and few friends are going to the movies tomorrow night. Do you want to come?”
Her eyes widen. Was he asking her out? No, that was silly, of course not. No one ever asked her out. But what did you say. Yes. No. “I’d love to.” The words spilt out involuntarily. She didn’t mind.
A grin stretched across his face, devoid of anything but the most innocent of intentions. “Great. I’ll call you tonight with the details. Later.”
And he walked away.
Noel ran to her locker, smiling for the second time today.
That Evening, Just After Seven
Alice Flincher knocked on her daughter’s bedroom door, holding the phone against the chest, trying to remember the last time anyone – especially a boy – had called. Then she realized nobody ever had.
“What do you want, Mom?”
She eased the door open and looked in at her daughter. Noel was fifteen, almost sixteen and taller than most anybody her age. In Alice’s eyes, she looked more like her father. His frizzy, dark brown hair, the smattering of freckles across her nose, even his ordinary green eyes.
“Phone.”
“Oh,” Noel sprang from her desk and crossed the room in three long strides.
Alice walked away without a word. Maybe things were finally changing. Something had been different about her sense she got home. She hadn’t been happy or even all that talkative. But she hadn’t been so distant either. Like she was touching base with the rest of the world for the first time in a long time.
“Bastian?” Noel asked. Insecurities she had never realized she had washed over her. Maybe he was just calling to say that it was stupid to invite her and now he wanted to tell her not to come. Or maybe he was just calling to laugh at her for being so naïve.
“Hey, Noel. So, you’re still up for the movie, right?
“Yeah.” Something in her head, not belonging to Dala or Theol – she assumed an unfamiliar mix of hormones and spontaneity – took over for her. “So what’s playing?”
“I’m not entirely sure. Some futuristic thriller I guess. It was my friend Mitchy’s week to choose. He’s into anything involving biological warfare or nudity.” He laughed and in reaction, she did to.
“Cool, well what time?” Noel belly flopped onto her bed and propped herself up on her elbows.
“I can swing by at 5:30. We normally hit the food court pre-show and Gigi likes to drag us shopping after. Hope that’s okay.”
“Of course. You need the address?”
“Nah, phonebook. You’re the only Flincher in the city.”
Noel rolled over on her back. “Talk to you tomorrow then?”
“Definitely. I’ll be in your driveway.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
The phone clicked as they hung up. Noel closed her eyes and smiled. Maybe things were finally getting better.
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140,755 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I really enjoyed this. It's, as stated already, very unique. I was a little confused about who the voices were and where there were exactly (are they inside the MC's head?), but that's probably because I didn't read what was posted before this. So the only thing I would suggest changing was the all-caps into italics.
Aw, Bastian is so sweet...
Keep writing.
KJ
Hey back again to review. I was able to read a few of the other's reviews but I am a tad lazy and skipped over sorsha's so hopefully I don't repeat too much of what has already been covered. First off I want to applaud you as a writer, despite little things here and there that just irk me you capture and hold my attention throughout the story. And your dialouge feels very natural, it just flows so well.
Now then, onto the part where I am so mean. I apologize, I really enjoy giving critiques!
Setting: I agree with Clo, you need to develop your settings much better. I thought Noel was screaming out loud in the classroom and that would have made her pyshco. Like how could Bastian ask her out to the movies after he witnessed her talking to herself like that? Also when Dala and Theol are talking all you describe of their setting are some crates and a window. So very vague I was wondering where the heck they were at and why this location would have crates.
History: What is Bastian and Noel's history together? I mean people don't just walk up to people and offer them their sweatshirt or ask them to the movies. Do they have a lot of classes together? Do they talk in class? Or is Bastian just some boy Noel sees around school? I'd like for there to be a little more background information before you throw them into a dating relationship.
Other little nitpicks:
I wasn't sure who was saying this Dala or Noel. I'm figuring it is Dala so instead of saying she replace it with Dala.
but who never actually.... I think if you add who it will read better.
Break this up into two sentences. So it will read: Theol floated several feet off the ground, eyes closed, back stooped. His voice – though still more animal than human – was smooth and composed.
a frequency too strong...
I think god should be capitalized.
reflection
This is a very colorful description, but this is the second time you have used it in this chapter. I think the description would be much stronger if you used it just once. Here just say the gray sweater was back in her hands.
Grrr, this bugged me in the prolouge and it bugs me even more. You don't need this, it is like a paraphrased info-dump and quite frankly it is annoying. You are far too strong of a writer to lean on such a crutch, please I beg of you, get rid of this.
Since instead of sense.
Too instead of to.
I'd like for Noel's emotions to be a bit more giddy. I can remember what those conversations felt like when I was talking to a new boyfriend or potential bf and I want to feel those emotions when I read the dialouge between Noel and Bastian. I want to feel like I'm a teenager again. I think you are capable of doing it, and if you do that it will help your readers connect with your character much better. I am eager to read chap. 2, so onward I go!!
it should be too strong and not to strong
Hello,
I liked this story so far! I love the misery of Noel, which you set up in the first paragraphs. The atmosphere is shrouded and then pierced with light from Bastian (have you ever seen the neverending story?) but the reader cannot forget the demons in the background. You've definitely set up some interesting loose ends. i look forward to reading more. Here are some points to consider . . .
she had lost all hope of forgetting their terror. But if nothing, they could just leave.- this makes it seem like the voices are the ones who are terrified. Also, "if nothing else they might someday leave"
he wore his emotions in his slender face. - on his face
She would have been beautiful if she was nothing more than shadows. maybe "if she hadn't been nothing more . . ."
My truck’s a big rusty but by far it’s more comfortable then the bus.” - perhaps "a bit rusty"
-even his ordinary green eyes- green eyes are not very ordinary. in fact, genuinely green eyes are rare.
Something had been different about her sense she got home. - since
Its good! I really enjoy reading your story. So she's schizophrenic? I wouldn't have picked that up if someone else didn't comment, I was still trying to work out if they were real or not!
I was thinking, though, when i read the first chapter... "Shouldn't they be sending their child to some kind of doctor or pscyhologist now???"
Its really interesting and I was engaged from the beginning.
Is Bastian short for Sebastian? Or is it a name you've made up or just one Ive never heard of?
I put a few suggestions in bold, but they are nothing major. I stopped changing stuff after a while because most of it was pretty pointless.
Keep it up
Hello Lil, I am back to review chpt. 1 as per your request
This gave me the impression that she was screaming aloud in the class which I don't think is what you were trying to say.
I would rephrase the scentence to something along hte lines of:
"...to those who observed her she was still, peaceful and almost serene but inside she was screaming..."
I think this is not bad for giving us a basis for what goes on in her nightmares, but perhaps describe in more depth what she sees, feels, etc. Is her surroundings all black and she can only hear the voices in her head? Or does she see them while they taunt and jeer? Also, is she still a young little girl at this point or is she older? I get the feeling that quite sometime has passed between the prolgue and chpt. one
If there is a jump in time, having a date in place would allow us to see that.
ie: "Prologue ~ October 17, 1985."
"Chapter one ~ August 25, 1997"
This way we can clearly see even before we begin reading the piece that she is older now and this helps us create a picture of her in our minds quicker much more accurately.
I would lose the caps and instead pick the word you wish to emphasize and put it in italics with an exclimation point at the end.
Okay. You've made mention of Dala and her talon's earlier on. If she is some kind of demon with unique features please describe her to us as well as thier surroundings. Are they deep in the bowels of the earth? Tucked away in a hut hidden in a secluded part of a forest? etc?
remove the 'y' and add an 'e' before the 'r'.
Power was a little overused.
replace some with 'strength, magic, etc'.
This felt like it came out of no where and there was no real explination to follow. Who is Morpheus? Is he the demon God? Was he another 'Master of the Nightmares?' Give us a brief side note and touch on the importance of this.
OK good so we're given a bit more of a visiual here but this is a little late and not enough. I would give a more detailed description of her earlier on and leave this as is. Try to do the same for Theol. It doesn't have to be long, one of two scentences would suffice but be as descriptive as possible.
Not just the physical, but mannerisms, speech, posture, unique quirks or features, etc. If necessary you can touch on thier past or other personal information so long as it helps add weight to the character and thier development.
One more thing about the above passage - I think you mean something along the lines of: "if she was more then just shadows". The way its phrased above implies she would be beautiful if she was entirely comprised of shadows instead of flesh and blood.
through = throw in this context.
you've already refered to the sweater as 'the gray monster' so this feels repetative.
big = bit?
Why was she surprised? Did he look at her in a particular way that made her that there was more behing the look? Describe her thoughts, her feelings, in her place what would be going through your head?
widen = widened
Noel seems to be rather meek, but given her nightmare outline earlier, if all Theol and Dala do is taunt and make all kinds of comments and threats, I think you need to change it to something much more traumatic. Maybe she has nightmares about killing her mother, and then hears the horrible things Theol and Dala say coming from her mother's dead mouth.
Just a thought/suggestion
His frizzy, dark brown hair, the smattering of freckles across her nose, even his ordinary green eyes.
instead of using 'looked' all the time, try: she seemed to pull more from her father with his frizzy....blah blah blah.
too brief, espcially if she is surprised by the fact that Noel is recieving a phone call which she apparently never does.
"There is someone on the phone for you...a boy - Bastian."
This is what I mean when I say provide more depth/detail. Play with a few things a bit more and delve deeper. The more you give us, the more the reader is going to get drawn in to your character; empathize for her, understand her and ultimately care about her.
'a million things began to whirl through Noel's mind going a mile a minute. No one asked her out, it was silly and stupid to think that he wouldn't have had a change of heart. That's why he was calling she rationalized internally. He was calling to give her some lame excuse so he wouldn't feel like a jerk for canceling and getting her hopes up. Or, perhaps he was calling to toy with her a bit...probably had a couple of his friends on the line listening just for kicks. No! A voice in her mind argued heatedly. Bastian has always been sweet and considerate, he would never do such a mean thing... Perhaps he wouldn't. But it wouldn't be the first time that someone had..."
For the end of the scene - she seems to calm and collected. I would think that having a boy 'ask her out' for the first time would give a young, painfully shy and loner type girl a racing heart beat, the spins and perhaps a sweaty/panicky/I think I might be sick because I am so nervous and excited type of sensation.
Not a bad chapter but it needs a bit more plot development. Theol's reasons for tormenting Noel is still unclear and makes her suffering seem...well there has to be a reason to go for her specifically. If you don't want to give it all away that's fine but give us something to work with. The reader will pick up on it, run with it and develop thier own understanding of circumstances until you drop the next tidbit.
Any whooooo hoped you found this useful
Ciao for now.
So cool! I really like it so much! But maybe you should explain the relationship between Noel and Bastian. Have they been freinds ever since kindergatin or what? And maybe explain the feelings Noel has towards him better. Does she have a crush?
I didn't realize there was a chapter after the prologue already - so then of course I was very happy to be able to read more right away!
I like this very much. Something that caught my eye was:
Did you mean spilled?
Otherwise I think it is excellent. I can't wait for chapter two!
springrain2693~Hey, thank you, just thought I'd mention again that Chapter Two is in the works and I've take all of the comments from above and hopefully improved greatly.
Two thumbs up! I loved it!
I love how you described the voices in her head, and the smell of Bastians shirt. The names brought a unique twist to the story. The grammar --in my opinion-- was great. I'd love to see you write more, because I am already hooked! brilliant! keep it up!
I have no criticism what so ever for this
so to summarize
AWESOME.
Jay~I just wanna say thanks for the comment. For a second, I thought no one was going to comment. I just wanted to answer really simply, when you asked about whether Dala and Theol are real. They are and they aren't. They are part of the Dreamscape (not real) and reality (real, duh). Anyway, I'm working on Chappy Two.
BlackMirror~I want to apologize about any grammer errors. It was written and edited in the very late hours of the night. And yeah, everything I write feels a bit strange. It's my thing.
clograbby~I'm already making certain to better describe my surroundings in chapter two. Thanks for the post.
bradsk88~OMG, I can't believe I didn't spot those. Then again, it took me seven read throughs last night to realize I had spelt "shoes" "soes". Oh well.
Mythmon~Yeah, someone finally figured out where this is all headed. *pats Mythmon on the head and gives him a cookie.* And about the style editing. Sorry. When I move my writing from the computer in my room (no internet) to the one in the living room (internet) I loose any style changes I had made so I just focus on adding italics back into the document and nothing else. Thanks for the review.
Wow, brilliant. I have always thought schizophrenia was an interesting plot device. Actually I think you have inspired me for something to write.
Anyways. Probably my biggest problem in this was the formatting, which is a minor quibble. I think you should put breaks between the sections where it jumps from voices to the demons to the "normal" people. And "That Even, Just After Seven" maybe put in a title style.
And again, love the concept. Love the twist when the supposed schizophrenia (god that's hard to spell) turns into something else.
Maybe the switch between her being nervous and knowing exactly how to act was a bit abrupt. But either way, I can't wait to see more.
-Mike
Ooh! Haha.
Really unique, I can see something developing out of this, it's got a metric ton of potential.
There are some typos, so take a look through it again:
She paused for a minuet, (minute)
Bastian took it, started to through it into his locker, but stopped. (throw)
Jay~I just wanna say thanks for the comment. For a second, I thought no one was going to comment. I just wanted to answer really simply, when you asked about whether Dala and Theol are real. They are and they aren't. They are part of the Dreamscape (not real) and reality (real, duh). Anyway, I'm working on Chappy Two.
BlackMirror~I want to apologize about any grammer errors. It was written and edited in the very late hours of the night.
clograbby
First off - I love the name Bastian.
It's best not to use caps lock in right. Try italicizing instead.
This is phrased as a question and so should have a question mark.
"widened".
Okay, it is AMAZING that she is literally being haunted by demons. Me likey very much.
Where are we?: Okay, so the one problem with this storyline that stands out to me is setting. You never really describe setting, and at the beginning this is particularly awkward because you describe her as screaming. I thought she was really screaming in the classroom. And was class in session? Did class just let out? I was left wondering this. It's best to tell the reader these things.
Other than that, I like this. I'm a big sucker for demons and such, and I enjoy the concept. So HOORAH! Keep writing! Thanks for the read. C:
Nice work. A bit strange, well a lot strange, but still interesting, especially the names of the characters. It seems like you know what you're doing, but remember to pay as much attention to the little details because their were a few mistakes.
Keep up the good work
I like this update! I find it really interesting how Noel is leading a double life. I wonder if Dala and Theol really are only in her imagination, and they show up in her dreams and thoughts-it's hard to explain, but it's like they're targeting her psychologically, which is an interesting concept. At the moment I'm wondering if Bastian has any connection to Theol and Dala. There must be a reason why they're targeting Noel.