I fly quietly with a broken pace,
Crushing the drunken bluebells -
Which stagger, stutter, under my weight.
Together, they fight my aroma of far away smells.
I leave them soon,
For they cry for a break.
A fractal of petals
Do I leave in my wake.
As I run I find three little ones
Hidden clumsily under large straw hats.
Their fresh hands grip tightly Fun -
A rainbow kite; so gracefully fat.
I leave them soon,
For their lunch is ready;
But their laughter is contagious –
And I laugh until quite heady.
I chuckle up a mountain,
I smile down a stream.
I pass then the flowers,
And cry for their lost leaves.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi Lilicia,
You have some nice imagery here. I really liked;
"Crushing the drunken bluebells."
I'd change "with" in the first stanza to"at" as I think it sounds better. I'd cut "Together" as it makes the line too long, and put a hyphen between "far" and "away." I'd read the whole piece aloud so that you can get a better sense of the sound.
I'd avoid twisting the syntax for the sake of the rhyme or sounding archaic in stanza two, as it sounds forced and doesn't fit in with the tone of the piece. ("For they"-also, see stanza four, and "Do I leave".) I'd try this whole poem without the rhyme. It wouldn't neccessarily be better or worse, but it would be a useful experiment.
I'd say "tightly grip", and cut "so" before "gracefully fat", which, while I'm on it, is a great pairing of words.
"But their laughter is contagious –
And I laugh until quite heady. "
is a bit clunky. "Quite heady" sounds forced, and these two lines don't flow as smoothly as they should. I'd try this with less sylabyles and pay closer attention to word sound.
I like the first two lines of the final stanza. I'd change;
"I pass then the flowers,
And cry for their lost leaves."
to
"I then past the flowers,
And cry for lost leaves/ cry for their lost leaves."
Hope this helps,
Jas
Thanks for the reviews!! I don't often write poems, and it's good to have tips on how to improve.
~Lilicia
This is beautiful but I don't quite get it completely.
I'm a poet myself, and I agree with Firestarter, he had great reviews of your "Wind".
Keep up the good work!
Elegance! This is the framework of your poem... Uniqueness in the sense of presenting wind in a metaphorical way. and Greatness for which I refer to the ideas of yours. Great!
Hey Lilicia,
This is a pretty okay metaphor of wind. You had some interesting lines, and I really was fed a lot of nice images to gobble up. As an overall poem, however, I think we can improve this greatly.
An elegant first stanza. "I fly quietly" is just a bit too obvious, though. Adverbs are a dangerous thing in poetry; I would look for a better verb here. Soar, glide, coast, float, sail -- there's some options for you. Crushing drunken bluebells is delightful, although I'm not sure "crushing" is the best verb. Does wind really crush? Crush means a downward force, and wind is horizontal. Same for "under my weight" -- it's a strange idea for wind. I didn't really get them fighting your aroma, either? That was an odd concept. I kind of understand what you mean but it's a bit of a crazy diversion from them getting crushed, wouldn't they be more likely to try and fight off getting crushed, rather than an aroma?
Your poem dipped immensely in quality here. This stanza is pretty much throw-away-able. "I leave them soon" is very passive (which doesn't the wind leave them "now"?). A fractal of petals being left in your wake was an okay idea, but I think this could be merged with your first stanza. It doesn't work on its own, it's too flimsy, it has no meat to it.
Your syntax is befuddling sometimes. I would rephrase this to "As I run I find three little ones / Clumsily hidden under large straw hats". I'd also try and think of a better adjective than large (would straw hats really be large to WIND anyway? Surely everything would appear tiny?) and probably also for little, both words that are too vague in meaning. You're missing a word on the third line. "Their fresh hands grip tightly at Fun" I think you mean. Why is the kite gracefully fat? I didn't get that at all. I know in poetry you can make new observations, but there has to be a reason for them, and I can't for the life of them understand why you've described a kite as fat from the persona of the wind.
There's that cursed leave them soon business again. Drop it. Why is their laughter contagious for the wind? You really need to nail down what you want to present the wind as; one second it's crushing bluebells, then it thinks straw hats are large and kites are fat, and now it likes to laugh. I have absolutely no idea why, either. The rhyming of ready and heady was pretty awkward and forced here too, I'm fairly sure you only used heady to get that rhyme in there.
Wait, what? Why is the wind crying for the flower's lost leaves? Why is he chuckling and smiling and then suddenly crying?
As a poem, this fails. It has decent images, amongst some awkward syntax, but your presentation of the wind is all ver the place. You need to plan what you want to present the wind as, and keep a constant voice. I just didn't buy the wind narrating this at all. Perhaps you need to use third-person here, instead. I'm not sure. But it needs a radical overhaul.
Good luck.