Published September 6, 2010
I stepped into the pool of moonlight and curled up in my shell,
breathing in scents of night, starlight and human
Lilies danced fervently in the wind, as if they were enduring hell;
their petals clashed, just like swords did in battle.
Voices sang and spoke, cutting away the peace -
sounds of war, the stench of cruelty and pictures of red.
Ghosts and demons walked and raged like stormy seas;
no matter how much you try to subdue them, they won't stay dead.
I stepped across the fields and watched the world unfold.
Being able to embrace everything; it was as if I had wings.
I could've flown across deserts of time to look for you,
but for now, I have to wade in myself and look for the answers
and the reasons of my sins;
keys to my rebirth,
keys to an uncertain tomorrow.
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hi Lil_Pau,
I'm going to quote some of the especially nonsensical images in this otherwise "serious" poem. Here we go:
There are more, but these are just examples.
How does night smell? What do you mean that it's "human"? How do voices cut? What is the stench of cruelty? What does having wings have anything to do with embracing? How is time like a desert?
This consistent problem of meaningless imagery is what tears this poem down, chunk by chunk, turning it into what could have been a good piece but is now a mountain of rapid-fire words that don't really combine together to form a cohesive structure.
Stop mashing together completely different ideas and pretending that they have some obvious connection that a reader should be able to figure out on his own - like "stench of cruelty". Of course, it's entirely possible to have a stench of cruelty, but it needs to be explained, or at least hinted at, in the poem. Right now, there's nothing.
Go through the piece and prune out all the imagery that doesn't make sense. Then put back in the ones you especially like, and make them connect (to each other and the poem at large).
Hope that helped,
Galerius
With all respect to Truth's view, I didn't get this poem. But the use of imagery and description are the high points in it. A lot of people have trouble with coming up with imagery to describing feelings especially in the poetry setting, which is something I've noticed in a lot of the writings on this website. Anyway, that's what I liked about it.
However, I think you might want to take this piece here and use it as a draft. You're first line starts off with a rhythm which is good and unique on here and shows the signs of great writing but in the second line it's interrupted immediately. Also, you have some opportunities in here for rhyme scheme, I see you started to rhyme at first but then for some reason you let it go. This is good work,but If you take it and revise it it'll be amazing.
Whoa okay. First, I've got to say that i loved it! Beautiful words. The imagery is really good and in the first verse, I can almost feel like I'm in a video game (haha with the swords and the lilies, that's what it makes me think about
) I'm not sure what it is, though, and that's the beauty of it because everyone has their own view on it. I love the description of everything.
Keep writing!
-Truth-