The deep shades of the red rose reminds me of my place in the world. The place people believe me to be. Am I so? Honestly, no. I often look at the beauty of the rose and I know, it not only contains beauty, but is quite dangerous. The thorns cut into any hands that get to close. While, the blood red petals propel us closer, making us want to smell the sweetness of the most beautiful rose seen among the bunch.
My rose, so sweet, is perfect with no flaws. It's always singing a song that brings me closer and I forget the savage thorns that gets so many of us. I reach for my rose and hold it, while my hands bleed, but I don't let go, enchanted by its perfectness. In awe, over it's wonderful story shown in the petals. I look closer and see the little pictures of hatred and sadness, but the rose opens wider each time someone thinks it has failed. Each time focused on proving them wrong.
I am like the rose. So dangerous to look at closely, but always attaching people. I try to hide away my secrets, I rather others didn't know, but it doesn't seem to stay hidden. My secrets show on my face and in everything I do. My world is the word's world and nothing else seems to matter.
They taunt those around me, but I never once have stray from them. They are me and I am them. Together we exist. Without another we're lost and alone with no true meaning to life. Words of my world and the words of an outside existence. All fall together and create something far more impossible to beat. Than if we took the world alone. Together we are one and as one we shall destroy all who stand in our way.
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139,548 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hey! XD
So this work is quite short, which is a shame, because it's good and it would have been great to see more of it.
The work was entitled with something short but intriguing, but also pretty sounding if that makes sense?
'I am like the rose. ' Little sentences like this make your work sound really unique and also impressive.
If you were to improve this piece, I guess you could include some dialogue, even a flashback or something to add to the retrospective value of the work. I think it works really well as it is, so I am just making changes as opposed to improvements, but it is something to consider.
Well done.
Keep writing.
~BSF
Hey there! Bitter here to give you a review! Let's get started!!!!
First things first! WELCOME TO YWS!!!Barely four days old you are (excuse my Yoda speak).
Next, on a scale of 1-10, the content of this piece is definitely a 10. Excellent imagery, great meaning, really conveys a powerful image.
However, you format ad grammar added up to a 5 out of 10.
I don't think (and this is just my opinion) that you should have used paragraph format for this particular poem.
Take the first paragraph, for example. While this is definitely an entrance with a bang and grabs the reader right off the bat, I don't believe that it is a powerful and doesn't have the amount of impact it would if you used stanza format. You used end rhyme throughout the first section and if revised, it would flow better and generally make more sense. Here is my revised version of the first paragraph, in stanza format and corrected grammar, with my corrections in []'s:
"The deep shades of the red rose reminds me of my place in the world. [remove the S after remind]
The place people believe me to be. [This is unclear. The grammar is wacky. Try "believe me to belong in", or something of the like]
Am I so?
Honestly, no.
I often look at the beauty of the rose[,] and I know,
it not only contains beauty, but is quite dangerous.
The thorns cut into any hands that get to[o] close.
While [remove comma] the blood red petals propel [possible sentence break here, really, you can break almost anywhere within these two lines]
us closer, making us want to smell the sweetness of the most beautiful rose seen among the bunch."
so it turns into:
"The deep shades of the red rose remind me of my place in the world.
The place people believe me to belong in
Am I so?
Honestly, no.
I often look at the beauty of the rose,and I know,
it not only contains beauty, but is quite dangerous.
The thorns cut into any hands that get too close.
While the blood red petals propel
us closer, making us want to smell the sweetness of the most beautiful rose seen among the bunch."
Again, other than the grammatical errors, this is all author's preference when it comes to formatting, so it's your choice whether or not to change it.
You have various other grammatical errors strewn throughout the poem:
second paragraph:
"and I forget the savage thorns that gets so many of us." should be "and I forget the savage thorns that GET so many of us. Also, this is unclear. Get? As in trap? Cut? Perhaps use a better verb here.
"but the rose opens wider each time someone thinks it has failed. Each time focused on proving them wrong." should be "but the rose opens wider each time someone thinks THAT it has failed, each time focusing on proving them wrong." These changes add grammatical correctness and flow.
third paragraph:
"but always attaching people." Attacking? Is this a typo or did you mean "attaching TO people"?
"I rather others didn't know," should be "I'D rather"
last paragraph:
"They taunt those around me, but I never once have stray from them"
using "they" at the beginning of a paragraph is vague and should be avoided, even if it seems repetitious to use the actual noun. Consider starting with "MY SECRETS taunt those around me, but I HAVE NEVER ONCE STRAYED from them"
"Without another we're lost" should be "Without ONE another"
"All fall together and create something far more impossible to beat. Than if we took the world alone." Simply for grammatical clarity, you may want to change this to "All fall together and create something far more impossible to beat, RATHER than if we took ON the world alone."
I dearly hope you don't think that I am attacking you or you your writing, I actually loved this poem, and it has a relevant and powerful message. The only problem was the way that message was delivered. I hope this helps!
Great work and never stop writing!
BitterRosemary
Thank you very much.
I have allot of trouble with grammar and am grateful for any help I can get with it.
Lovely! I really like the second to last paragraph. I also like the last paragraph. The first two paragraphs have a lot of cliches though; you might want to stay away from them. Overall: great!