December 19, year 432x [[side note: not as in bc i was trying to come up with a fake year]]
The world is pure white, not a single thing lives outside. The trees and flowers have all refused to bloom and the lovely tune the birds use to sing can no longer be heard. No one goes out into the storm unless they really have to, which isn’t often anymore. Over 10 years ago it started snowing, at first everyone was amused, most of us had never seen snow before, but little did we know it would never stop. Days, then weeks passed by as we waited for the icy blizzard to end, but it never did. Slowly everything froze, and began to die, even our spirits have dwindled. I can’t remember the last time I smiled; I never thought I would, until I met you that is. It’s like you carry the sun within you, you just made everyone want to be happy. I never wanted you to be sad, I never wanted this cruel cold world to destroy your spirit, but there was never anything I could do… I’m only human after all…
[[ Edited with the help of you guys and some friends :] just as a side note, because a lot of people seem to be confused, Alexy is a guy talking about a girl. ]]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that's a very interesting journal entry there...cause on hand it does look like this person is just kind of talking to the journal and writing to the journal, but there are signs that its a person and you do specify it too..xD..but on the whole, it is a very interesting thing to be saying there.
Moving aside from that point there, this is a really interesting environment that you've created here. The whole winter imagery starts out pretty nicely, almost sounding a bit peaceful at the very beginning but then one by one its listed how the world has slowly come to a standstill and everything is dying off. There's a really haunting feel to all that imagery when you list off how nature is at standstill one by one. Its a very neat description that you've got there.
This combines really nicely with the ending that describes this particular person feeling the effects of being in a world like that for a decade. All in all, a powerful start here...although I have to say, this doesn't quite read like a journal entry to me here...but anyway...it does seem like a really interesting premise for a story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there!
Happy Review Day!
Cute avatar by the way!
I see this is your first post. Congratulations.
You say this is a novel so is this something like a prologue? Because it is rather short for a chapter and doesn't exactly sound like a journal entry.
"The world is pure white, not a single thing lives outside."
This is a nice first line.
I like your writing, your language and description. However, I want to know what is going on. Like who your MC is talking about.
I do not have much to say as this is rather very short and doesn't really contain much information other than about the snowing and the mysterious boy Alexy talks about.
But it was good writing!
Keep writing!
-manisha
Hiii Missy! Welcome to YWS!!
Okaay lets start with the review shall we?
Hmm, there's not much for me to review here about, because, its just a reaaly short diary entry. I really like it, though.
Now, I'll just be really frank with you. I think you should have proof read this at least once before you posted it, because I'm pretty sure it would have done wonders.
See, there are a few grammatical errors here and there that I , personally feel could have been avoided, had you gone through it once. Here, I'll point out a few:
See there? I can't remember the last time I'd smiled. That would have been more apprpriate don't you think?
Also, I think a journal entry should consist of the happenings of that day, because it does say," December 19".
Alrigght, thats all I'm going to be saying. But I have to tell you, I reallly liked what you did here
I would really like to know what happens next!
Good Job!
-Divz
Hi MissPanic!
.
The first thing I noticed about this was the date on this and I was instantly intrigued. Although slightly disappointed by the length of it, I still thought that it was really god and raises a lot of interesting questions. I hope you plan on continuing this, so those questions can be answered. I guess this kind of counts as historical fiction, although I'm not sure what lengths you'll go to to get it historically accurate
Anyways, can you imagine a person starting off their diary entry with talking about the setting? Not really right, I'd imagine them talking more about their feelings to start off with. But if you do wanna start off with that, then maybe you could go into a bit more detail. It would be quite hard to do that and keep in the voice of your character, but I think it could work.
I'll now talk about the questions I have, which don't necessarily have to be answered here, but I guess in following chapters. Why is he the only human? Why is the weather so cold? Where exactly is he? Does he know where he is, even? Are there any other life forms besides humans? I probably sound like one of those really annoying 3 years olds who ask too many questions, but these are important.
I think the main thing is to talk about what you could do with this piece. I'm seeing a theme of loneliness here, and in all honesty I hope it stays like like. Although it might be hard to do, having scenes with just one character and seeing how they are by themself is actually really interesting. Ever read/watched 127 hours? That's a prime example of a man living by himself and going slightly mad.
Overall this was an intriguing diary entry and leaves me wanting to read more. However, I'd like this to be a bit longer so you have more space to describe the setting, or this lost human the character is talking about. I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.
Just keep writing!
-Arc x
First off welcome! For your first work (or not I don't know), it was very well done. Here what I get from this.
Alexa is someone in the past. The ice age to be exact. The thing that baffles me is, how does she know when the snow started, did she get this information from a fellow villager? Did she live for that long? Seeing as the story is scone fiction, anything could be the case so I can't exactly guess.
Since the little grammar mistakes have been covered already, I only need to go over a little more, such as the really little things.
Apparently, Alexy is being helped or is accompanied by someone whom she loves or looks up to. Again, a fellow villager, a family ,ember, or just some random person she met while trying to survive the blizzard, I will never know for sure. These are the things that could have been squeezed in. How does she feed herself? Does she hunt along with this other person? Does she have an outlasting surplus of food? We won't know until more information is released. It's just a tip from me, add some more smaller details. In my eyes, a story, or journal entry cannot be complete if only the larger details are added in. Show the small ones some love.
Keep ow'n writin'!
~The dark one.
Alexy is actually a boy ^^; haha but I ended up changing it to 10 years after i thought about it, I also decided to change it to fantasy but couldn't figure out how to do that on here > . < And this was just a small journal entry for fun, im actually working on making this a novel where im working on the things you mentioned thanks for giving me some ideas to add to the first chapter though and thank you!
Crazy here with an Inc[red]ible review! (heheheh.)
.
Nit-pick:
"I can’t remember when the last time I smiled was, I never thought I would, until I met you that is… it’s like you carry the sun within you, you just made everyone want to be happy."
- The 'was' before smiled isn't needed, and after 'last time I smiled was' would be a semicolon, not a comma. Also I would split it into two sentences where the '...' is.
- Besides that would be the extra period marks (...), but since this is a journal entry it should be fine.
I really liked the beginning, and I wish that this was longer. It sounds like it could be made into some great chapters. The last sentence where you say 'I'm only human after all' seems to hint at something, but then again I could be completely wrong and that it was just a way to end the entry.
I'd love for you to make this into something bigger, and send me the link if you ever do
Keep up the Inc[red]ible work! (;D)
I've actually been working on the first chapter to this all day, but im not even close to half way done ^^; I just thought this would be an interesting way to open up the story, and your right it does hint to something
Thank you for the wonderful review though :]