z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Rise of the Accused [UNFINISHED]

by Lightsong


Today, Nov would be executed for a crime he didn’t commit. Despite fire being his affinity, he didn’t set it to the school. Someone else did it, and upon failure to figure out who a week ago, the Council had made him the scapegoat. He was in the vicinity of the school, the only magician that could summon fire on that magnitude.

After three days of arguing for himself, Nov realized it was futile. The Council made up evidences that led to him -- the brown small cloth torn from his cloak; the grey dust, a by-product of using elemental magic; and a female witness. The cloth was obviously ripped from his cloak, as his cloak was taken away when they conducted an interrogation on him. The grey dust could be easily replicated by any elemental magician. The female witness, a single mother of two, was most likely bribed.

Nov didn’t believe the school was the arsonist’s target. He didn’t believe it at all, since the school didn’t have any impressive reputation. It was a rather ordinary one, teaching students from poor families. No, he was certain the arsonist targeted him. He had an impressive reputation -- no one had beaten the vicious dragon in the mountain for a couple of decades until he came. He came from a wealthy family, owning several mansions throughout the country of Elementum.

As the key clank with the rusty cell, and the cell’s door cracked open, Nov pondered on the case still. While the grumbling guard pushed him in a rather harsh manner, he thought about the horrendous event. Another reason why he thought the witness was bribed was because no one had witnessed the arson -- not even him. One moment the school was there, and the next moment, it was a pile of ashes.

As far as he knew, everything happened in a span of a second.

This observation led to his conclusion that whoever responsible in this did not use ordinary fire magic. Sure, the fire magicians in the south could make their fire as cold as ice, while those in the north could make it invisible, but no fire could scorch the school as instant as that.

With the exception of one kind, however, he thought, as he was out from the dungeon, the blinding sunlight meeting his face in a rude manner. Nov wasn’t sure of it, because it would be ridiculous for someone to wield that fire. Only very few fire magicians knew of it, but a wielder of such fire hadn’t appear for a century. He turned his attention to the open area he was in, and to the noise the commoners had made as they yelled and screamed and clapped at their place, a huge semi-circle sitting place embracing their hot asses.

The guard made him face the white-bearded king, who sat on his golden throne at a high place along with his young queen. Such lustful king, he thought scornfully, to have a wife ten years younger than you. He tried to move his hands only to realize they were handcuffed with magic-sealing silver chains, and the thought that he forgot about it was amusing to him -- once something distracted him, he forgot about others.

‘Today you would be executed for the crime of arson, and for killing countless inhabitants of the school in Glax area,’ said the announcer loudly, standing in front of the king and the queen. Upon his words, the crowd roared and uttered insults at him.


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5 Reviews


Points: 183
Reviews: 5

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Thu Sep 08, 2016 4:25 am
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igotthesauce wrote a review...



Hello

I'm not going to say anything about grammar because my grammar is not very good either.
I'd like to say that your story so far is good. It sets up suspense and an upcoming adventure. My biggest problem is that I don't know how Nov is feeling at this point. He may be innocent but he has not complained or defended himself which doesn't work for a story in which he in wrongfully accused. He might be in shock or something I don't know. three days of arguing for himself is not enough emotion for me (the reader) to get a read on your characters... well character. but other than that it is suspenseful and it got my attention.
Good job.




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18 Reviews


Points: 2200
Reviews: 18

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Thu Sep 01, 2016 2:07 pm
haredrier wrote a review...



Haredrier here with a review to help kick off RevMo! I liked the concept used here, but there are a few issues I found with the writing.

Firstly, there are quite a few times in the piece where the grammar feels off. Here are a few examples: "He didn't set it to the school"- You could say something like "He didn't use it on the school".
"Arguing for himself"- you could say he was trying to defend himself in court instead.
"no one had beaten the vicious dragon in the mountain for a couple of decades"- Unless he respawned or something, wouldn't the dragon be dead after the first time it was beaten?
"As the key clank with the rusty cell, and the cell’s door cracked open, Nov pondered on the case still." I'd rewrite this whole passage, maybe swapping it out with something like: "The key rattled in the rusty cell door as the guard unlocked it. Nov barely even noticed the creak of the cell door opening, his mind still pondering the case."

There are a few more places where the grammar could be improved, and I suggest you look over it once more to make sure you catch everything. If the grammar were to be corrected, the story's quality would improve drastically.

Another issue I found with the story lies in the narration. Due to the style, it feels very informative and impersonal. I only counted one mention of the protagonist's actual feelings, so the reader feels relatively detached from the events taking place. Maybe it would be good to see it a little more from his perspective, and include his emotions a bit more.

The last point I have to make is that the ending feels abrupt. It ends either a bit too late or quite a bit too early. I feel like if you wanted to end on a cliffhanger, you should have either cut off just when he exited the dungeon and saw or the people, or hold off until they're about to proclaim his final verdict. The way it is now fells off, as you've just began the action in the new scene and then cut it off, instead of waiting for the most dramatic point in the action.



Aside from these small points I feel like the story has a lot of potential, and if you wanted to upload more chapters or redo this one I'd be happy to review them as well. Make sure to message me if you need anything, and stay frosty.
- Haredrier





Your hesitation suggests you are trying to protect my feelings. However, since I have none, I would prefer you to be honest. An artist's growth depends upon accurate feedback.
— LCDR Data