Our Secret Dance [1]

Our first meaningful moment together happened in the school bus. God placed us in it at the time when no other passenger was around. You were a few seats away from me and I couldn’t help but glanced at you at times when you were looking somewhere else. I rubbed my arms, chilled by the air-conditioner. The silence made me careful with my action, my heart beating fast whenever I could see your face, smooth without a frown.

How could I not look at you, a dark-skinned beauty? You had stolen my attention when you looked at me and smiled whenever we passed each other. I didn’t know if you were being polite or not, but you never failed to do that. Obviously, I had a crush on you, but I didn’t know what to do about it. Should I approach you, knowing that you might as well be like others, condemning me when you knew the true nature of my feelings? Or should I ignore my feelings, relying on the high possibility that your smiles meant nothing, and I was wasting my time focusing on them?

There was a thump beside me as I looked through the window. When I turned to my side, I saw you sitting, looking at me with a smile. My heart now beat like an earthquake and my body froze.

‘Hey Sulaiman,’ you said, your soft voice caressing my ears.

I managed to blink and with all my willpower, forced my mouth to open. ‘H-hey,’ I said. ‘Aditya.’

Your eyes went down to my hands that tried to ease the coolness on my arms. ‘It’s cold here, isn’t it?’ you said, thoughtful.

I looked at your coat before I directed my eyes somewhere else. You noticed me, though, and your smiled turned wider. I didn’t know what was in your mind but understand – you’d never been this close to me. and I still couldn’t believe you were talking to me.

Slowly, your hand went to the back of my body and pushed it forward slightly before your hand touched my shoulder. You used the other hand to wrap your coat around my body in case pulling me in your embrace wasn’t enough. I felt like I could die happily at that time. I could feel the warmth of your body, the protection the coat and you gave to me. Was this a dream?

Suddenly, I remembered the bus driver and craned my head to look at the front of it. Through the upper mirror, I saw he was looking at us but didn’t display any sign of protest.

I didn’t do anything; you didn’t say anything. After spending a few minutes hesitating, I rested my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat. Surprisingly, it was steady – didn’t you make the move in impulse? I wasn’t sure the meaning of your action – maybe you were too friendly? Or was this perhaps something you did just to make fun of me? Negative and positive thoughts ran rampant in my mind. Could it be possible that you reciprocated my feeling?

‘Next time, if you’re cold, just tell me,’ you whispered before pulling me closer.

When we arrived at our destination ten minutes later, you let out a gasp. It awoken me who had slept after hearing your lullaby-like heartbeats. I blinked my eyes, though I didn’t release myself from your embrace. How could I, when being like this felt like heaven?

‘What is it?’ I asked.

‘Are we… are our houses near each other?’

I peeked through the window and saw my two-stories house stood in all its pride, blessed by the sun. I didn’t know which house belonged to you, unfortunately. ‘Maybe,’ I said.

The bus driver turned to us. ‘Hey, are you guys getting out or now? This bus isn’t a love suite, you know,’ he said flatly. I could see he was in his early twenty – perhaps that was the reason he was okay with being cozy with each other.

‘Alright, alright,’ you said. You left the seat, grabbing my hand to come with you. It brought heat to my face and you didn’t seem to notice it, eager to get away from the bus. We faced the line of houses once we got out of it. Your fingers were still intertwined with mine. I had the urge to look around in case someone saw us.

You turned to me, grinning. ‘My house is the one with the blue roof. Which one is yours?’

‘Well,’ I said, pointing at my house with my free hand, ‘mine is the one with the gray roof. And yellow wall.’ Our houses were only two houses apart. ‘It’s understandable we don’t know each other’s house. We’re not that – you know – close.’

Your hand squeezed mine. ‘That’s gotta change!’ you said, and your enthusiasm just spread around me like a fragrance. ‘I saw you look at me a lot, and I really wanted to talk to you but I – I’m looking for the right moment, you know?’

Oh dear, how much I knew. If I allowed myself to find the right time to approach you, then I would talk to you when I was in my eighties. I thought maybe the only issue was our nervousness, and rightfully so. Sad, but still rightfully so.

‘Do you – do you want to go to my house?’ I asked before I had a second thought. ‘My parents are at work right now, we won’t have like – meet-and-greet thing with them.’ Say yes say yes say yes, I chanted in my mind.

‘I would love to!’ you said. ‘I also want to meet your parents have a meet-and-greet session with them, but for now’ – you looked at me straight in the eyes – ‘I want to spend time with you.’

I melted, I died, my wig was snatched – I was whatever you said when you had your dream come true. Obviously, I never had a boy in my room, and not for the reason you had. I felt like screaming in joy, but instead I grinned at you and rubbed your palm with my finger. Never would male friends hold each other’s hand here in Malaysia – even when it was in Kuala Lumpur, one of its most progressive cities – so I thought your intention was clear enough. I just wished our time in the room would make it clearer.

I opened the door to my room. Neatly-arranged bed and clean side table greeted me. Instead of switching on the light, I walked across the place and pulled away the turquoise curtain, letting evening brilliance radiated throughout the surrounding. Turning to you, I saw you closing the door and locking it. To that, I gulped. Why did you have to lock it? A hint of fear crept to my heart, but it faded once you got on the bed, sitting there peacefully and silently.

I shook the hem of my school uniform a bit, trying to cool myself. KL’s daytime was hot even for a local like me, so I turned on the air-conditioner. After that, I stood for a few seconds, clueless of what to do before I sat next to you. Close together in a secluded room like this made me avert my eyes from seeing you.

‘So,’ you said, ‘crazy how fate works, huh?’

I didn’t expect you to say that. I was waiting for some obligatory words like ‘Neat room you have here’ or ‘This room’s pretty cool’, but no, you had to dive in straightforward. Well, I did observe you from afar all the time, so I couldn’t know your personality. Especially when it involved something like this.

I guessed I had to be honest too. ‘It is. I don’t know you’re gay like me.’

You winced, and I realized I was being too frank. Being a homosexual person was such a taboo here that even the word gay could splash a negative impact. No one didn’t want to be told gay, even if it came across as a stupid joke. But what we did in the bus, I was sure that was gay. No male friendship was that intimate. Did this mean even if given the freedom, we could act gay but didn’t want to be told gay? What a place we lived in.

You recovered quickly. ‘Yeah, you can say that.’ You stared at the floor. ‘I’m pretty good acting straight, unlike you. Anyone who gets as much attention as you give to me will notice it right away.’ You grinned at me.

I blushed – dear lord, I blushed. It was obvious, after all. You didn’t say anything about it to others, and I was grateful for that. If you knew I liked you and he liked me, why didn’t you say anything to me during the months we had in the same classroom? ‘Why did you – why did you come to me now? Why not before?’

You raised his eyebrows. ‘Well… I hit my patience limit, for one, and two, I just needed the right moment, you know? When we were in the bus, alone – the driver didn’t count – and you looked like you needed a blanket, I thought that was the sign. That was when I should start.’

‘Ah, I see,’ I said, nodding. It made sense. Better you to make the first move than I – I wasn’t sure if I could pull it off in the first place. ‘But, um, you know nothing about me. How can you like me?’

‘The same way you like me,’ you said, smiling. ‘It’s kind of superficial – you were cute and shy I couldn’t help but being protective of you. If others weren’t so judgmental, I would be your 24-hours bodyguard for sure.’ You paused. ‘That’s why I want to know you more. To make sure my feelings are deeper than that.’

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Points: 1224
Reviews: 17

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Thu Apr 05, 2018 6:41 am

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scarlettvee wrote a review...

Hello there! This was a really cool story and I really liked it! Especially cause of your use of "you". That's not something people use much in writing anymore, but I really like the usage of it. It makes the writing unique and different, and I find it really cool that you used it for this story.

However, you did do a lot of telling in this chapter and I would advise that you try to cut some of it out. This kind of seems like the main character is writing a letter to the guy he likes, so it's probably not as important, but you should try to cut out telling us the characters feelings as much as you can, and instead show them. Show us how he's in love and happy, rather than telling us that he is.

Also, bare with me because I am new to this website and don't yet know how to do that cool quote-y text box things that help your text to stand out. I'll figure it out at some point, but for now I just have to quote the text myself.

"God placed us in it at the time when no other passenger was around."
I don't entirely know why, but this sentence was kind of hard for me to read. I had to go back and read it over a couple times before I was able to understand what you meant. Although I think it would definitely help a lot if you just simply changed it to, "God placed us in it at [a] time when no other passenger[s] [were] around." I feel like just these few simple changes will help to improve the flow of the second sentence.

"You were a few seats away from me and I couldn’t help but glanced at you at times when you were looking somewhere else."
It should be glance, not glanced.

"The silence made me careful with my action, my heart beating fast whenever I could see your face, smooth without a frown."
I would recommend that you change this to "...careful with my action[s], [and] my heart [beat] fast[er] whenever I [got a glance of your face], smooth without a frown."

"you’d never been this close to me. and I still couldn’t believe you were talking to me."
Capitalize the "a" at the beginning of "and"

"It awoken me who had slept after hearing your lullaby-like heartbeats."
This came kind of suddenly. You should show her falling asleep before you get to this part. Also, I recommend you change this sentence to "It [woke me up after I fell asleep to] your lullaby-like heartbeats.

"and saw my two-stories house"
This should be two-story house not two-stories.

"Hey, are you guys getting out or now?"
The now should be a not.

"...perhaps that was the reason he was okay with being cozy with each other."
Add "us" in between "with" and "being"

"Obviously, I never had a boy in my room, and not for the reason you had."
I don't understand what you mean by "and not for the reason you had." Perhaps you should elaborate on this. Also, right after this, you mention Malaysia, which makes me wonder, where does this story take place? Does it take place in Malaysia or somewhere else? (I just read over a few of the other reviews and realized that they are indeed in Malaysia, so I would probably make this more clear closer to the beginning of the piece).

"Neatly-arranged bed and clean side table greeted me."
Add an "A" to the beginning of this sentence so it reads "a neatly-arranged bed and clean side table greeted me."

"...I don’t know you’re gay like me."
Two things. First of all, change the "don't" to "didn't". Second of all, up until this point, I did not even realize that this main character was a male. Part of this is probably my fault because I'm uncultured and didn't know that Sulaiman was a male name, but regardless, you should try to make is as clear as possible that he is indeed male, so idiots like me (lol) aren't confused when they get to this part. I read this story though cause I thought the title sounded cute, I knew nothing of the plot, so I didn't know that this was about a gay romance, so I would definitely try to highlight that throughout the piece. Perhaps in the beginning of the story, you should do something to establish him as male, maybe by mentioning his short hair or flat chest. Perhaps he's scared that the guy he likes won't like him because he has a flat chest? I don't really know, just make sure there's something before this to establish the maleness of the main character.

"No one didn’t want to be told gay, even if it came across as a stupid joke."
Again, I don't understand this sentence. What do you mean by "told gay"? Do you mean that they didn't want others to call them gay? Like when people use gay as a slur?

Anyway, that's pretty much all I got. This was a really cool story and it was written very well! I hope my corrections aren't too harsh. I know there's a lot of them, but this story was good regardless. Keep up the good work!

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Thu Mar 29, 2018 7:20 pm

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Elinor wrote a review...

Hey Lightsong!

Here to give you your review as per your request. I enjoyed this, and I'm excited to see where it's going. Everything is going almost too well right now, so it feels like it has to get more serious later. I wonder, does this take place in any specific time period or in present day? The wistful tone makes it feel timeless, in a way.

I think the biggest thing to work on, as the others have mentioned, are the stakes. You've mentioned gay relationships are still fairly taboo, but the two characters feel comfortable enough talking about their sexuality in a public forum such as a bus. I'm not gay so I can't relate to the feeling of being attracted to someone of the same sex, but on a human level I feel like there would be a lot more fear and uncertainty to this first encounter, especially since you've mentioned that your narrator is still relatively inexperienced.

I wonder if you've seen Call Me By Your Name? I don't want to give anything away, but that movie does an excellent job of portraying the subtleties of Elio and Oliver's growing romance within the context of the time and place.

What this all comes down to is that this first part tells rather than shows. You're telling us that each feels a certain way. I also wonder if the structure being based in memory -- that is, the narrator is recalling these events -- is leading anywhere? It works in some stories, for instance, To Kill a Mockingbird. Scout/Jean Louise is recalling events she was too young to understand at the time but now does. If it's not going anywhere, I think this could benefit from existing in the present. Future Sulaiman knows what's going to happen, how this is going to play out. But if we are with Present Sulaiman, he finds out how things will turn out as they unfold, and that's a lot more interesting for a reader especially in the context of first love.

All in all, good work! I hope this helps, and please let me know if you have any questions or I can be of any other assistance and when you post more! Happy writing!

Lightsong says...

Thanks for the review! I seem to use 1st PoV when it comes to short stories - I feel like it's easier that way. xD

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Thu Mar 29, 2018 1:04 am

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manilla wrote a review...

wooooo this was a firecracker. one of those small, sweet, colorful ones, though, that everyone loves. i have to get over the fangirling and properly review this, must i not?

---

Enough with that. Let's get into the review.

"...and I couldn’t help but glanced at you at times when you were looking somewhere else."

I love this line, so much so that I feel like I'll burst into happy little bubbles. But the tensing of this sentence (please correct me if I'm wrong; I probably am), the past tense of "glanced" in specific instead of "glance" is confusing.

In the first few paragraphs, you open up the fact that Sulaiman is head over heels in love with Aditya. His emotions are so realistic, and so are his reactions to opening up to the fact that Aditya may or may not love him back...In that way.

"Slowly, your hand went to the back of my body and pushed it forward slightly before your hand touched my shoulder. You used the other hand to wrap your coat around my body in case pulling me in your embrace wasn’t enough. I felt like I could die happily at that time. I could feel the warmth of your body, the protection the coat and you gave to me. Was this a dream?"

You described the simple action of putting on a coat for another person such a loving way, and having the bus driver throw in a reality check was funny as well.

From Aditya's actions, you can tell that's he's so freaking pure, this blossoming ray of sunshine that will never stop being-

Okay. Reality check to self.

When the two enter Sulaiman's room, you do a good job of introducing the fact that being gay isn't completely okay - In Malaysia, at least. For now. Sulaiman himself is conflicted on expressing his gayness and being labeled it by others.

"Did this mean even if given the freedom, we could act gay but didn’t want to be told gay? What a place we lived in."

The irony in that line really represents that. (Am I repeating myself?)

Okay, enough compliments, because in the next part I will do a real review, I swear.

Lightsong says...

Haha thanks for the review, really appreciate it. c: The next part is coming soon!

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Tue Mar 27, 2018 9:59 pm

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manilla says...

Remind me to review this beauty! <3

Lightsong says...

*poke* :3

manilla says...

Will review today

Points: 19607
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Sun Mar 25, 2018 8:59 am

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Sujana wrote a review...

Southeast Asian Gay Romance is my favorite type of cereal.

Okay, but in all due seriousness, I do have a couple of gripes with this work. I'm not going to focus too much on the grammar and the whatnot, as for once I actually have a couple of points to get to. So here goes:

1. On Romance and Pacing

Most romances are either about the pursuit of a partner or the maintaining of a relationship (let's be honest, it's mostly the former), and that's for good reason. A good, healthy and blooming romance doesn't make for a lot of conflict. In the story's universe, conflict is definitely present even with the characters having a happy almost-relationship--homophobia is present in Malaysia and, well, most of Asia let's be real here. But it's not set up that way. The beginning does not set it up as a story of overcoming societal expectations of love, it sets it up as a love story of a young man wanting to be with another young man.

Our first meaningful moment together happened in the school bus. God placed us in it at the time when no other passenger was around. You were a few seats away from me and I couldn’t help but glanced at you at times when you were looking somewhere else.

(...)

Obviously, I had a crush on you, but I didn’t know what to do about it. Should I approach you, knowing that you might as well be like others, condemning me when you knew the true nature of my feelings? Or should I ignore my feelings, relying on the high possibility that your smiles meant nothing, and I was wasting my time focusing on them?

The opening lines establish that the main character hasn't even approached the love interest, and from then on the audience expects the story to be about the main character trying to get to the love interest. And that's all well and good, but then Aditya approaches Suleiman not even mid-way into the story, breaking all of that. It would be one thing to Subvert expectations, but it felt more like the too-early conclusion of a story arc.

My suggestion is maybe remove the emphasis on the doubt in the beginning. It sort of sets up something that gets paid off way too early. For example, instead of having that second paragraph I just quoted, just say "Obviously, I had a crush on you, but I didn't know what to do about it. It wasn't courteous or acceptable, having a man approach another one and asking them out for coffee. Not here, anyway." And then have a line that says something along the lines of, "Of course, I didn't need to approach you. You did that for me."

2. On Chemistry and Humanity

Right, so the chemistry here is a bit lacking. This is par for the course, since I don't actually know either of these characters. The first person POV actually helps with characterizing Suleiman as awkward, a bit of a wallflower, and Extremely Gay, and I got the gist of how Aditya is, handsome, nice, confident, but I don't know how these two are supposed to mesh. Neither of them talk about each other, what their interests are, where they want to be, where they want to go--they feel like they were made only to be in this romance, which I don't think makes for a good romance. I would've liked to have them talk to each other before they reached their apartment, but that's just me.

3. Positives

In all actuality, I do like this work. It's very poignant and nice and happy, and we don't have a lot of that nowadays. I'm going to read the next part as well, mind you, so tag me when you come up with that!

--Elliot.

Lightsong says...

Oh, love, this is just the beginning - you'll see conflicts soon.

Thanks for the review!

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Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:32 am

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Kanome wrote a review...

Hello, Lightsong. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let's get started, shall we?

Overall Opinion
This was too cute. I love how the characters were interacting with other. (I may be a LGBQT supporter, just sayin'). The awkwardness of the main character made this story even better. He was so awkward and cute, how could you not love him? Anywho, this was a great story. I can't wait to read more just like this. It's so refreshing to read about male to male/female to female relationships.

Nitpicks and Stuff
Just a simple mistake I noticed:

The bus driver turned to us. ‘Hey, are you guys getting out or now?

Just change now to not.

And also:

...I would be your 24-hours bodyguard for sure.’

Just change hours to hour.

Another thing I noticed is the quotations. Do you just prefer to do quotations marks that way when your characters speak? Just curious.

Conclusion
I don't really have much to say since this was such an amazing read! It was cute and awkward and ahh...
Anywho, keep up the great work. Can't wait to read more of your writing.
Keep writing~

- Kanome

Lightsong says...

Thanks for the review!

Yes, I prefer single quotation mark not only because British novels often use it, but also because it looks neater to me. xD

Points: 19607
Reviews: 383

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Sat Mar 24, 2018 8:08 am

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Sujana says...

my brain: you must study for my chemistry exams, its due in two days and you havent even conquered stoichiometry

me: but southeast asian gay romance

Spoiler! :

Lightsong says...

Aww thanks. Aditya is Indian while Sulaiman is Malay, btw. <3

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Our Secret Dance [1]

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