z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chronology of Despair

by Lightsong


Josh Newton chose to taint his reputation - as well as his family’s - when he was eighteen. He had destroyed his school on weekend’s night. While this was an act of a rebellious son, Josh didn’t pick his target randomly. No, there was a reason why he used his Darkness-type magic to turn the institute into ash. He knew he could get away with - his father was an imminent general, after all.

His friend, Adrian Caille, would be able to tell you that destroying the school - however horrible the crime was - was an unbelievable feat. The spell Josh used was Hell Fire, an advance spell, a hybrid of Fire- and Darkness-type magic. No one knew how he mastered it; no one couldn’t even fathom how he kept it a secret. When Adrian found out what Josh had done, he made it his mission to save Josh, who went to Hades’ Cathedral, Manhattan, leaving a trail of destruction behind him.

Adrian confronted Josh at the deserted nave. A fight occurred. Adrian used his ice to counter Josh’s dark beams, resulting an even battle. Victory was not in Josh’s mind, so he decided to proceed with the last step of his nihilistic plan. The last subject of his destruction was himself. Using a spell to create a pseudo black hole, he managed to suck in every part of the cathedral.

During the last seconds when Josh finally released his hold to the ground, Adrian managed to reach out to him long enough to activate a water spell of his own. It was dangerous not because it damaged, but because it controlled. With it, Adrian controlled Josh’s water molecules that made up 60 percent of his body. While he managed to levitate Josh’s body away from the black hole, he lost control of his own body, and lost consciousness just before he was sucked into the hole.

When Adrian woke up to find himself in the hospital and Josh sat beside him, Josh explained he managed to reverse the spell before it was too late, telling Adrian that seeing his hands being the last part not yet absorbed was the most frightening experience he ever had. He told Adrian he had spoken his feelings to his father. His father cried and hugged him, an act of intimacy speaking to Josh there was hope for their relationship to get better.


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25 Reviews


Points: 1985
Reviews: 25

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Tue Dec 27, 2016 4:03 am
Kbug1997 wrote a review...



Hello!

I am not sure if this is suppose to be a short story or the prolog for a novel but I love it! If it is for a novel you have a lot you can expand on as well as explain for the readers, however if it is a short story I would maybe expand upon some things as well. It is a bit to short of a short story. Okay so lets get down to it. There seems to be a few different plots opening for Josh and Adrain. They both have something that they can do that they need to learn to control as well as Josh already did something bad so that could mean trouble for him, also seems like something is going to happen, or not, between the two of them. So you have a lot going for you right now and I would recommend using this as a prolog or backstory and then go from there.

Happy Writing.

-M.




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17 Reviews


Points: 39
Reviews: 17

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Sun Dec 25, 2016 10:25 am
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Hikarufire64 wrote a review...



Hey there, Hikaru here with some advice and a not so harsh review.

First off let me say that this is really awesome and interesting to read, and that the spells and attacks made this a decent story to read.

But what you couldve done was give some more backstory or info at the start of the story, maybe give Josh some personality traits to describe him and some details on the family he lived with and Then tell his age just immediatly jumping into the interesting parts wont help if the reader cant imagine how that certain character is reacting with his type of personality traits.

You also could've gave even the tiniest bit of info on his friend Adrian, something like he met him at a school or at somewhere special a more praticalway is to tell his age and characteristics compared to josh's which would make their battle even more interesting.
Another thing is josh's father, he gave me a bit of a dark mysterious vibe when you first described him... Riiight up until the point he started crying which may have caught me me off guard for a sec. You could describe Josh and his father's relationship to give the reader the thought of how even his father treats him because even the smallest detail can give the reader millions of ways to imagine how he acts.

Also the spells could've been described a bit more maybe some detail on how they looked and how they worked in conjunction with other spells the user was casting and how they countered other spells. Like the ice that adrian used and josh's dark beams.

Lastly was what you said about Adrian's body
"telling Adrian that seeing his hands being the last part not yet absorbed was the most frightening experience he ever had" how is he still alive?! 0_o so the bottom half of his body was absorbed? Is it a magical affect keeping him alive? Give me an answer sir! O_0

But regardless this was a good story, and could be the start of an entire novel if you really put some good ol imagination to it. You could have a whole adventure about him living the normal life while controlling his super dark powerful spells while building a bigger and better relationship with his father and trying to help his friend recover with new healing spells he learsn everyday!




Lightsong says...


Oh, this is actual the summary of the story - the said story has been written years ago and it's in need of major editing because it's horrible. Perhaps I'll post the real one later after editing it. :) Thanks for the review!




Do. Or do not. There is no try.
— Yoda