Young Writers Society

Hello! So while deciding which novel to take up, I'm reviewing the chapter ones 'cos it would be weird to read something and not review.

Specifics

1. I feel like the first line might work better as 'My parents were fighting again and receiving the backlash of it was painful.' It's a very small change but I feel like 'fought' suggests this happened in the far past, rather than the recent past? And any time you can write the past tense and have it in a more active/ current way will make your story feel more immediate.

2.

I felt my long hair covering both sides of my arms as I dumped my head on them.

The toilet I was in was dark since the door was closed. I didn’t switch on the light. There was no use of to that. I hated people seeing me crying cry. It just felt pretentious to me, like I wanted to have their attentions--to have their sympathy of my helpless state. Yes, the toilet was a perfect place to cry since it just kept my crying inside with no one able to hear my crying me.

I cried because of many things. [This should be a semi colon and then again between all of the lists. It would be more dramatic and it would be nice to see a long sentence after all the short ones in the previous paragraph and at the beginning of this one.] Father getting mad again. Mother getting yelled at again. Us getting scolded again. Mother crying again. And my only question right now was: why? Why did Father change so much? Why did he change to this?

Or if we forgot to do it. It didn’t matter how big or small our fault was; there was a fault we had made, and that was the only thing which mattered to Father. there There was fault everyday. You can’t expect people to do everything right at all time, in every hour and minute and second. You just can’t. You are asking for It's an impossible task.

I then heard a strange whisper, and my head snapped up, my eyes widened. What’s that? It had many layers in the form of various masculine voices - hoarse, gentle, pitchy. They spoke in an excellent unison. I thought they were all just in my head. They were not real, just a product of my constant crying - if there was such a thing. But when my eyes had dried and there was still a whisper, something must had gone wrong. Maybe I had gone wrong.

I was pretty sure it was in my head. There shouldn’t be any light in a toilet bowl. It was too unrealistic. I closed my eyes and shook it in an attempt to get rid of this whatever in front of me. I opened them and it was still there. I was speechless. Was the imagination in my head too strong? Was the by-product of my crying too formidable at this point? Maybe this is a demon’s doing?

It floated a bit higher than descended a bit. “I’ve heard humans answered this way. ‘Knock your head. If it hurts, then everything is real.’ I guess you should knock your head.”

“You’re not real. You-re-you’re a demon’s doing[color=red],.” I said, quickly stood up, and headed for the door. I tried to twist the doorknob to open it, but it was futile. It didn’t budge at all. I was pretty sure I didn’t lock it. Panick Panic rushed in me like a flood, forcing me to turn my attention to the red light. Red because it was the colour of hell’s fire?

My head started to ache now. This light didn’t make any sense. It was trying to see say there were things that which couldn’t be perceived with logic.

I felt the touch of my shirt’s hem, and it was slightly wet.

A realization hit me like a hard rock. This was really happening, and not in my head. “Did you do that?” I asked, anger creeping into my voice, despite knowing I was handling something entirely not human. Whatever it had done, I didn’t like it. To me, it felt like a threatening gesture.

If one was were standing besides beside the road, waiting for the traffic lights to turn to green, it could push her [This is jarring because you're mixing attributes. If you use one before then you need to use their here. If you want to use her, you should use 'a woman' or 'a girl' in the first instance.] entire body forward to let her hit a car. The possibilities were countless. This light was dangerous.

Maybe I overthought over thought about this. Maybe it was just bluffing. Maybe it could only made my hand jerk a bit. Maybe it couldn’t even force me to make a step. But,again, would I risk it by asking it to prove what it had said? That it could do more than running water from the pipe?

Hello!!! I told you I didn't forget about this novel! I'm going to head back to the very beginning because I missed a lot of this stuff, and then maybe someday soon I'll be all caught up!

I'm going to keep things fairly general and big picture, but if you would like me to go back and address anything specific, I would be happy to do so!

I definitely think you started in the right spot, which honestly is half the battle sometimes. I know it's the right spot because something important happened - the light came, and this is the catalyst that will propel the rest of the story forward. I also appreciated that you got us to the point - the light coming - right away and that you didn't get too absorbed in backstory or telling us all about the character or having a series of unimportant events leading up to the important moment.

I do think this opening could use a bit more pizzazz. I love Rosey's article about beginnings and starting your story.

Let's take a bit of a closer look at your opening.

This evening, I cried and sat against the wall and on the dry floor, knees bent and pulled toward my chest, both arms surrounding them.

I was pretty sure there was something wrong in my head. There should be no light in a toilet bowl and even if there had with some advance technology, it couldn’t speak. I closed my eyes and shook it. I opened them and it was still there. I was speechless.

“I think you’re real.” Even if it my mind projection, it was still real in the sense of it really happened.

It hummed in satisfaction. “Good. Now, do you want my help or not? I’m tired of repeating myself.”

“What kind of help you can give to me?” I snapped.

“You’re a joke. I don’t want to push or pull things. That sounded like something a baby would try to do. I can do that with my own hands, thank you. Now, go away. I don’t need a matterless being to ruin my life.” Maybe if I said it like that, it would go away. If I could create a mental projection, I could destroy it too.

“You humans are in danger from some of my kind, and you need to help me fight them.”

I snorted. “How can a light like you become a threat to us? Honestly, you look frail.”

I could. “Okay, I think I do need your help,” I whispered. “Can you kill my father?”

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

This evening, I cried and sat against the wall and on the dry floor, knees bent and pulled toward my chest, both arms surrounding them. My long hair covered both sides of my arms.

Looking at your other pieces, it's obvious you have done a lot of hard work with this novel. I just am going to review your prologue to start.

I think you had some good word choices. In the second paragraph, I think you did a good job bringing the character to life and making her like others in real life. I think "The light could kill people" was powerful and made the reader stop. Nice job making it separate from the other paragraphs, too.

I think the introduction could be changed. I've seen things like that a lot, and maybe you could replace it with a description of the setting.

"This was really happening, and not in my head," I think you should change. It seems a little bland, so maybe change it to something like "My eyes widened, and I realized that reality was standing before me." Or, if you don't want to change it, re-word it to, "This wasn't just in my head; it was really happening.

In the whole 4th paragraph, I kept thinking how you could've described what the father actually wanted from the family, and what exactly he wanted done perfectly that the whole family had to do. I'm guessing the father is abusive, but I think the story would've flown better with some recent flashbacks or memories of the past argument, because you described the arguments as a process, and I'm guessing, a frequent one.

This also links with the previous paragraph of this review, but I was pretty surprised when the character asked the light if could kill her dad. This was a little confusing, but as stated before, wouldn't have been as much if you described memories or flashbacks relating to the negative impacts the father has had on the family. However, without them, instead of a strong ending statement, it sounds a little evil on Merah's part.

I think you could have described the light more. She sounded a little sassy, but if you described her personality a little more, she would've seemed more developed. Maybe you could've hinted towards why the lights wanted to kill the humans too.

I can really tell you worked hard on this. It is actually very interesting, and I will certainly get to reading the rest of this story. Amazing job!

Hello Lightsong, Pretzel here for a review of this prologue of your novel. I just wanted to let you know that I usually go very in-depth with my reviews, so you can definitively expect this from me. Anyhow, let's get started, shall we?

Overall, I think that since the beginning you have made the main character and narrator very relate-able, at least in my mind and because of that I'm sure that I will like her. I really have this thing with pointing out first sentences, because that's just how I go so let's that a closer look at it.

My name is Merah.

“Do you need help?” it breathed.

I considered the possibilities.

They have a plan for you humans, and it’s not a good one, I guarantee you that.”

“Can you kill my father?”

Dang. I'm following this now. Start tagging me.

To say that this prologue is "well-written" or "amazing" would be to do disservice to the excruciatingly long-winded and complex process of planning, drafting and finally writing a novel. No writing is ever beautiful at its inception and first draft, unless the author in question possesses writing skills and finesse far beyond that of the average writer.

So no, this prologue isn't well written, and it isn't amazing. But it could be.

Let's focus first on the good points, the most particular of which is this - this is an interesting prologue. It makes me want to know more. The clichés of an abusive father and reclusion in a confined space do not necessarily detract from the story - rather, they serve to make the prologue more immediately accessible, providing context of family and inner psyche that at least a percentage of readers can associate with and relate to. The concept of a sentient light is not particularly novel, but it is certainly uncommon - and that trait alone gives this prologue great potential to turn into a wonderful story (given adequate nurturing and guidance). The prologue ends with a hook - "Can you kill my father?" - that ensnares the reader and causes him to question the extent of the narrator's woes. This is good structural planning.

Instead of switching immediately to the bad points, I'd much rather prefer to focus on the direction you can take this story in. No story can effectively be written without a full structure planned beforehand, and I suggest that you take the time and effort to plan out your entire story before embarking on the task of writing it. Read through the story yourself and ask yourself questions based on it. For instance:

"[Excerpts on parental abuse by the narrator's father]"
Why does he abuse his family? Is he doing it in spite? Are they the indirect targets of his frustration that he chooses to vent on? Are they the target of his blame? What has caused him to develop such a violent attitude? Does this attitude change towards the end of the story? Does he genuinely love his family despite his violent inclinations?

"This light could kill people."
Has it killed people before? Have other lights killed people before? Is the killing of people something that is condoned or condemned by the lights? Will people be killed in the course of this story? Who will be killed? Who will they be killed by? What will be the outcome of this killing? Will people use the lights to kill other people? Are the lights capable of independent decision-making? Exactly how sophisticated are these lights?

As you can see, the questions are almost uncountable, and as they appear other follow-up questions will inevitable appear as well, growing more and more indistinguishable from the questions that may arise from other excerpts. At the very end of your analysis you should stop and ask yourself a few questions that are the key to a story:

What is the setting of this story? Where is the narrator? What time period is she in? What is the scope of the setting? Does it only involve her house, or is the world outside it also explored? How much time does the story span?

Who are the characters in the story? What are their physical characteristics? What are their psyches? What are their mental and emotional traits, inclinations and habits? How are they related to the story? How are they related to the narrator? How do they interact with the narrator?

What happens in the story? What events build up to a climax? What is the climax? How does the narrator develop throughout the story? How do the other characters develop throughout the story? How does the story end?

These are simply the fundamentals of storytelling. Only when you have considered all of these questions, and as a result of them created a substantial framework and timeline for your story, should you proceed with writing.

And now to the nitty-gritty. I won't go into depth regarding technical errors in language - this story is at far too early a draft for proper technicalities to be paid attention to (though their consideration would be helpful indeed) - but I feel the need to address certain macro issues in your writing that you should be aware of:

1) The pros and cons, and the technicalities, of the first-person perspective
The first-person perspective is a double-edged sword. It can make a protagonist seem more associable, and at the same time it can distance the reader from the protagonist. Certain guidelines need to be adhered to when writing in the first-person perspective, in particular: Description must be active and direct. Do not describe things you ought to already know, unless you have a reason for it. Do not describe things as if you were an observer watching from a distance. The first paragraph of your prologue describes the narrator's seating position in a third-person perspective, making it seem bizarre and not at all nice to read - and that's only one example.

2) The context of writing
Given that this story is in the first-person perspective, you must decide: When is the story written? Is it written after the narrator has gone through its events? Is it written concurrently with the story, sort of like a progressive imagined diary? Who does the narrator address when she says "My name is Merah"? Is the reader complicit in the events of the story? Is the narrator writing for a specific audience? Depending on your answer, the way many events are perceived and phrased will change. If written after, events will have to be recounted with acknowledgement of retrospect. If written concurrently, you will have to abolish retrospect entirely.

3) Showing, not telling
There is much merit to expressing a story through less explicit means than telling. Adding to the first-person perspective, showing and not telling constitutes an additional layer of immersion that is hard to craft but extremely appreciated by the reader. Instead of saying that the toilet is "dark", for instance, have the narrator find difficulty in seeing her immediate surroundings. Instead of explaining in simple terms the history of abuse she has gone through, for instance, have other forms of imagery - bruises, cuts, broken objects, yelling - establish this history.

Apart from the aforementioned I have nothing much left to say, simply that - it is respectable that you are trying to write a complete story. It is an arduous process that few embark on and even fewer see to fruition. If you have the conviction to write a complete story - that is, you strongly feel that your story is something that needs to be told - then you need to plan for it. There is no 'going with the flow' or 'letting inspiration guide you'. Writing a full story is as much an art as it is a highly technical science. If you have achieved all of this, then your completed story in the end will be that much more satisfying.

Hi Lightsong! Now that I’ve fan girled majorly over your username - I thought I would come and check out some of your stuff.

Things I liked;

I liked your description over why your MC is crying because you really do start crying about one thing and then it opens up to another thing and then another. This makes your narrative more realistic and easy to relate to.

I like the slight humour you’ve given the voice in the toilet bowl. It opens up your story to be funny and much more enjoyable for the reader. You can already tell that the voice is going to be fun.

I liked that you said that your MC hoped it would talk again. This makes us relate to them very easily and sympathise with her need to talk not only about her problems but also her need to know what this thing is!

I love the ending! Very clever and it’s made me intrigued to read more. I also wasn;t expecting her to say that at all!

Things I think you could improve;

knees bended and pulled toward my chest.

Labrador,
this is a very interesting concept.
I like the way you wrote this but try not make it too cliche- with the abusive father and crying in the toilet. But id love to here more of this!

Also try being more specific about the powers- can the lights pull anything or do they have a certain amount of energy.

For a title: Don't walk into the light!- would be cool

-Sorry already posted this but i didnt make it a review- i know im a noob

*Takes off monacle and sets down glass of Snooty Scotch (that's actually just apple juice) That was good.
I honestly think it was well written and executed pretty well. It was a bit rushed though.
HEY! Need help? No? Okay, my people want to kill you dead by the way.
That was my complaint. All of it. But don't worry, I'm sure I can brutally crush your dreams on the next chapter. Now, since I don't have any real complaints, let's talk about what I liked for a change.
Your prose. Your prose was fantastic. It conveyed information at just the right pace to keep me from being bored, and it was quite fantastic.
Your ending.

“Okay, I think I do need your help,” I whispered. “Can you kill my father?”

Hey, my name was Merah.
No your name is Merah. It means red in english.
Even english is a dead language in your story, you wouldn't say "sic transit gloria," meant glory fades. No, it means glory fades.


You don’t care about anything around you when you cry. You just cry.
That's a bold statement.

When you say bowl you mean toilet bowl, right?

This light could kill people.
Stating the obvious.

2 things, interesting concept with the light. And overall an interesting enough story. I didn't have much critique for it. It's got a good flow, and it's a little comical with intention.

The other thing is a huge thing. Don't have a prologue. Publishers hate prologues, it also asks a question. Is this writer any good, I mean how good is his story if needs a prologue. Even if you are a good writer, or if your novel is the next great american novel. A prologue is a bad idea. George RR Martin uses prologue but like I said there are exceptions.

It just seems unnecessary.


As for a title:
Dark Lights
A Dark Light

Damn, that was amazing! Is this.. are the lights aliens of some kind? And where are they from? I just have so many questions, this was so exciting!

I didn't notice anything grammar/spelling-wise, so let me just spit out all of my questions.

What are those lights? How can they push/pull things? And why did Red want the red light to kill her dad, oh my god! I knew she was crying, but was it because of him? Did he do something to her?

My mind is just racing because of this piece. Please, keep writing things like this!