Hello again, and happy review day!
What I liked about this chapter is that you're showing the culture a lot. This is not a culture I'm very familiar with so I think all of the little details and things you added in and the way you explained things was really good. Other than that, this section fell a little flat for me because not much is happening that really advances the plot. It's fine to have slower paced scenes after a really intense chapter (like chapter because it helps the reader catch their breath. But, even if it's slower paced, it still needs to advance the plot. The conversation about the foreigners sort of does that because it's addressing a potential problem between some of the characters, but it felt a little rushed. I'll try to break that down more.
We were silent for a short while, before Damon spoke up. “Are we going to walk to Sarah’s house? It’s going to take fifteen minutes to arrive there, and that’s by car,” he said. We were walking to the neighborhood, consisting several lines of houses, similar in basic structures, but had different decorations. They were all terrace houses with backward brick V-shapes roofs, which were important because Malaysia was hot and humid and it was easier for the rain to flow down that way.
I would flip some things around here. I would first establish that they're walking and where they're walking and what is happening around them. I really like that detail about the houses and their roofs. Once what they're doing is established, then say that they were silent for a short while and then Damon spoke up.
One thing you could consider adding, is while they're walking and before Damon starts talking, some of Merah's thoughts. Does she need to process anything now that the dust has settled a bit from what happened in the last chapter? What's going through her mind right now?
I was glad I proved to him it didn’t matter when I got full five As in UPSR, the important exam you took at the end of Year Six.
I liked this little detail about school. Even though it's not really the point right now, it's a natural direction for her thoughts to take after realizing where she is. It also gives us some cultural information and some character info about Merah and continues to show that strained dynamic between Merah and her dad.
Maybe I should go rest there first and think about what to do next?
I feel like "I" should be "we" since there are two of them here. I know she hasn't confirmed with Damon yet that he wants to stop, but she sort of feels like the leader right now. Plus, he was just complaining about how far they were going to have to walk. Taking a break in a restaurant would probably we welcome to him.
Hmm. Did this guy get hungry easily or did he just like to eat? Interesting thing to wonder.
I don't think you need this. Does it matter why he's hungry?
Some citizens walked their dogs and I went careful not to get too close to them.
"and I was careful..."
Why?
Overall, people on the pavement weren’t that many this morning.
"Overall, there weren't that many people out this morning.
The cars drifted by, but they weren’t many too.
"but there weren't many of those either."
It was a mamak restaurant, which meant it was owned by Muslim Indians, and majority of its workers were Indians. You don’t have to worry about having halal foods—foods free with intoxicating substances and haram sources—here, not like when you go to the Chinese restaurant where there should be pig-based meals haram for Muslims.
I really liked these little details. Super interesting!
We went into the restaurant, which was occupied by some customers, those who were either jobless, or didn’t work in these hours.
"some customers" - how many customers?
Cut the rest of the sentence after "customers". How does she know they're jobless or don't work right now? And even if it's a safe thing to assume, I don't think it's necessary. It's already been established that it's after the time most people go to work, so if there are customers here, the reader can make assumptions about them themselves.
“You look like a a heated worm.
Can't say I've ever heard that expression before
He took a deep breath, and I was tempted to interrupt him when I saw a trickle of sweat on his forehead. He was putting his all in this. The intrigue in me of why he would push to this limit to defend the workers rose, and I decided to let him say his piece. I wanted to know. This was obviously something he deeply cared.
I appreciated that you broke up the dialogue and offered this bit of her internal monologue. You've gotten a lot better at this!
“I know... we have this negative perspective about foreign people in general, especially those not from Western countries. We admire and appreciate the Westerners, but those from poor countries like Bangladesh and Nepal, we treat them like they’re inferior than we. Urgh. It’s like they don’t belong in this country. Perhaps it’s because they keep increasing in this country, illegally or not. They’re taking our jobs, and we complain about that, when in the first place they got the jobs because we thought we were too good for the jobs. We were picky.” He paused, wanting to see my reaction
Is this seriously an issue in Malaysia?! Because this really closely mirrors debates that happen in the US about foreign workers from Mexico and Central America. Exact same arguments! That's so interesting to me.
but I could feel he was just waiting for my reply.
me too.
I know this chapter is only partially done, but I'm waiting for the bang here (which I'm guessing is going to be their conversation about foreign workers. Overall this chapter is fine. You're definitely continually improving! I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next! Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162
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