Hello again! 
I think this is one of your stronger chapters as well. Just like the last time I said this, I think what worked for me was that there was a clear focus to this section, there was one event, and you stuck to it and developed it. I liked the little cliff-hanger and bit of tension there at the end, but I think you could amp up the emotional intensity of this whole chapter.
We went to the portal’s place. According to Sunglow’s direction, it seemed like we were going to a secluded building in this area. Imran sat in the front passenger seat as insisted by Sarah. I sat behind them, looking at the surrounding through the close window. Street lights showered the road with considerable brightness, enough to let us know where we were going and what was in front of us.
After a few minutes later, we arrived to the place. As expected, we were at the edge of the neighborhood area, one that did not receive lights from the street. Perhaps there was problem with them but due to lack of complaints - the place seemed to be for ghosts, anyway - it wasn’t checked by the... road people, whatever you called them.
This opening is a bit vague and a bit turny. "We went to the portal's place" makes it sound like they've already arrived at this place, but then you show how they get there. "in this area" - what area? Where are they?
I would back up a second. At the end of the previous chapter you showed us how they were going to get there, so I would start this chapter with that actual journey. Information about how they know where to go, what they see along the way, what Merah is thinking about or worrying about as they get closer would be appropriate.
Then I would thoroughly describe this place and what it looks like. All I know about it right now is that they're sort of in a neighborhood but not quite and there's a secluded building and that's where they're going. I want to know a lot more about what these surroundings look like. Paint me a picture with your words. And how do they know where to stop? What kinds of thoughts or feelings does Merah have when the stop and she knows where they'll be going? Give me some emotion so we can ramp up the emotional intensity.
When we were starting to pass through it, Sunglow said loudly, “Stop.”
What's "it"? Is it the building with the hole in it? How are they going to pass through a building?
“We can’t trust the exact location of the portal to you humans. Although you are not in our enemies’ side, they can possess you and extract the information you have about it.”
What does Merah think of this information? How does she feel about the idea of potentially being possessed by the enemy?
“But they know we headed here,” Sarah said, interrupting. She folded her arms, obviously not pleased to hear what to do and what not.
How would the enemy know that? Are they being watched? I don't remember any discussion of that or that being brought up as a possibility.
I and Imran exchanged glances. He nodded. I turned my attention to them. “Alright, let have the lights do their business. They know what they’re doing. We can stay here,” I said, leaning to the wall near the hole. “I’m guessing you all won’t be far away from us to avoid breaking the synchronization.”
What's going through her mind during that glance? What does she suppose is going through Imran's mind during that glance? What kind of internal monologue is happening that would lead her to make the executive decision she does here? How is she feeling about this situation? Is she nervous for the lights? Is she nervous to be left out in the open without them? Is she ready to just get Silver and get out of here? Etc.
I rolled my eyes, giving him a hint of smile. “Be careful.”
What's going through her mind that makes her roll her eyes? Where is that coming from?
It was quiet here - an eerie silence.
I really liked this little detail. Having things be dark and eerie immediately sets up a level of suspense. There are already a lot of unknowns going into this situation, and the fact that it's quiet and eerie adds to the mood. You can ramp this up by showing what's going on in Merah's mind right now about this situation. Is she worried? What's she worried about? What is she afraid could happen? What is her plan if things go wrong? Etc.
I rubbed my hands, the air now being a bit too cold.
Nice job showing her worry, now show us what's going on inside her head during this moment.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you that. Tell me about her.”
I feel like a lot of this information about Silver is stuff we already know. I thought Imran already told us how he first encountered Silver and what she did for him.
Since Sarah doesn't know the story, what you could do to keep it from sounding repetitive is to start the dialogue with something like: "Imran closed his eyes and first recounted the story he told me about how he found Silver and how she helped him when he was being bullied." It reminds the reader of the story we already know without re-stating the entire thing. Then move into the new information which is his second paragraph of dialogue ("She let me experience...."
It was obvious she couldn’t wait to see them back.
How is it obvious? Show in how she's talking or in her behavior that she's anxious or worried right now. Maybe she's repeatedly looking at the opening or she's talking fast or something like that to supplement Merah's assumption here.
Imran smiled. He sat at the tip of the car, tapping his fingers on it. “As the saying goes, ‘A picture is worth more than a thousand words’.”
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Whatever,” she said. “I don’t like riddles and puzzles. I guess I’ll see it soon. How about you, Mer?”
Huh? He didn't answer the question and Sarah just let it go. I would expect him to press him a little more for a better answer. (Unless she's too worked up right now with worry to think straight). If that's the case, I would show that worry a lot more so it makes sense that that's why she's jumping around a bit.
“I found him yesterday, in the toilet, and in the toilet bowl,” I said, and chuckled. “It was a bit funny and creepy at that time. He was like all mysterious and serious. Said about his bad people wanting to do harm on teenagers or something like that. Said I should save them too and be a hero.” I shrugged. I didn’t tell them my conversation with Scarlet about my father. Didn’t think it was important.
Same here. This is information we already know because we saw it all happen. So Merah could say something like "I explained to her how I found Scarlet and what he told me." (Only make it more exciting than that
)Scarlet didn’t stand out as much, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.
I really liked this. It shows Merah's compassion and sensitivity towards Scarlet in that she's not trying to upset him or offend him with this comment.
The three orbs were going to pass the hole when suddenly, an ugly dark purple light covered it, sticking them with it. They were frozen mid-way, stuck with it. “What the -” Scarlet said, unable to move. “What’s going on?” I could hear the confusion in his voice and the drop of anxiety.
This is when things start to get intense and this is when you really need to ramp up the emotional intensity. I want my heart to start to beat faster and I want to feel worried for these characters. You're describing what's going on really well, but it's a bit clinical and sort of devoid of emotion. I want emotion. I think the best way to do this is through Merah. I want to know everything that's going through her mind and how freaked out she is right now because if she's scared for the lights, I'm going to be scared for the lights.
“They’ve found the portal,” the light, Silver, said. Her voice was sultrier and gentler than Sunglow’s.
How is she saying this? You describe her voice as sultry and gentle, but I'd imagine in this do or die situation she's going to sound a bit more panicked or distressed. Use your characters to bring out the emotional intensity of this moment.
Imran tried to get pass the surface of the purple light but when his finger came into contact with it, a spark of light came from it and he instinctively held back his hand, shaking it. He looked at it and saw his thumb had a burn mark. “Humans can’t pass through it either,” he said, sucking it to sooth it. “What are we going to do.?”
How did he try to get through it, what's his reaction and how does he say that line when he fails? What does Merah think and what is she feeling as she sees Imran try and then fail? What is she worried is going to happen? Does she have a plan?
Sarah and I exchanged glances.
What kind of glances? What's going through her mind right now? How is she feeling? What does she suppose Sarah is thinking and feeling?
None of them asked for our help, which might be a light’s thing, but it didn’t help. Both my hands turned into a fist. I felt useless and I hated this feeling.
Good! But give me mooooooore. Thoughts and feelings.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember everything about lights.
You might consider stretching your timeline a bit. She's only known her light for a day, right? So she really can't know much about lights at this point.
It was shameful to admit, but it was only during this moment I remembered God. Ya Allah, please help me - help us, I prayed silently, my mind having a whirlwind of recalling.
I thought this was really interesting. People (religious or not) often turn to God in times of trouble, so I thought it was interesting that she did in this moment despite her feelings about her religion. I wonder if this entire experience will bring her closer to her faith.
That's all for now! Let me know if you have any questions/if anything was confusing and I'll see you soon!
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