Young Writers Society

Hello again!

Scarlet and I waited for Imran to come in front of the school gate. It was two forty-five in the evening and the sun was scorching. I felt like getting fried like a steak.

There were other students waiting just like me.

Maybe I should go to the bus station just a few meters away from the school gate.

I walked briskly to the waiting place, noticing a few blurry figures, my hand using a book which I had been using to fan myself to shield my eyes from the blinding sunlight.

When I arrived, I found the figures were three students, two of them sitting at the provided long chair while the other rested his back against the transparent station’s wall.

before recalling what had happened after school.

That was when I realized the hot sunny day.

Oh well. Searching the light companions was like peeling layers of onion - too unpleasant it made you go teary. Except I wasn’t teary, of course. Still, it was unpleasant.

I fished out my mobile phone, checking if there was any message from Imran or anyone. There was none. When I put it back - right one cue - Imran arrived riding a silver motorcycle, wearing a white helmet painted with fiery black patterns.

We went to our house with a speed that would make a granny get heart attack if she was put at my seat. Imran wasn’t much a patient rider when it came to maintaining the riding speed.

~*~*~

“So, how about it?” I said,

I don’t have someone as a GPS for that, and even if someone demonstrates an unusual feat, I can,” he said, nodding to Scarlet before shifting his attention to me.

“You have to talk to her about this. When she left me, she went to her world with a portal. I know that the portal isn’t really accurate when you use it to come here but it doesn’t happen like that the other way around, does it?” Imran said, holding his hand a few centimeters from his table. He looked under it and there was no shadow formed by Scarlet’s light.

Scarlet was silent but not for long. “Urgh, fine. The portals are in the underground, so only I can go there. I have to tell you though that our world is in war with shadows and dark lights, and she is helping with that.”

Imran nodded and smiled. “Yup, I’m sure they need to vary their arsenals. She’s definitely going to surprise the enemies.”

Hello Lightsong, I'm going to leave you today with only general thoughts/quotes, for the reason that I'm trying to adjust my reviewing style a bit and since I am participating in TeamTortoise and R.E.D. It seems right if I can change my reviewing style, so I'm sorry if this ends up as an experiment of some sort.

Anyways, let's go right into the review, shall we?
My favorite part of this chapter, was probably when they mentioned the blue light, Silver. I guess that I'm pretty pumped to see him appear in future chapter, as he has seemed to play a big role in Imran's life. And of course helping shape the underworlds and such.

You use too much repetition. For ex. in that first paragraph, you are making one point over and over again, and then that happened again when you were talking about how unpleasant it is to deal with these lights. It's just, that this kind of proves that you might have been scattered-brain while writing this, and there is always a way to fix these types of things. You go in with an imaginary "cutting tool".

I feel like this was quite a bit fast-paced, probably because Merah was running or panting in the majority of the chapter. The trick here to show the (your) writer's skill, is that you don't want to make the reader's be running along with the character while reading it. That's how I felt, because you whole scene/confrontation seemed very rushed, and then you abruptly switched settings into Imran's bedroom. Take a breather, you and your characters, and slow down a bit.

So about the plot, it seems like Merah for right now is just following two, maybe endless leads. I got the feeling that she was wasting her time in this chapter, or maybe it's that she just wanted to desperately grasp onto someone else who is experiencing the same thing that she is. But that all changes when Sarah calls her, but I had to wonder if you shouldn't make Merah show at least a little bit more hesitation before she easily believes what happened.

Also, in the flashback part of the novel, I only saw Scarlet mentioned one and only time. Since they are bonding and supposed to have some character development with Scarlet, I think that he should give some kind of opinion/guidance to Merah at all times, especially with whether or not it's worth it to chase the Blue Academy boy, and then also if she should even go and take a look at Sarah's new discovery. Honestly, I didn't even know that it was a flashback because of your transitions, like why are we remembering this in Merah's room? Or is it a flashback, because you may have edited it since Noelle reviewed it.

If you are transitioning main emotions, you made to make sure that it continues well. Right now, your work isn't that fluid, something that you could defintively work on improving. One way that I have found is that best way to do this, is to have those "gray areas" , like in between one sentiment and another, meaning that there won't be such an abrupt change in the tone. This could be one sentence or one paragraph, as long as it's actually there

Hi there!

Oh dear, I haven't reviewed this in over a month! D: So sorry about that.

It was two forty-five in the evening and the sun was scorching.

Maybe I should go to the bus station just a few meters away from the school gate. I sent a Whatsapp message to Imran saying I waited for him there. I walked briskly to the waiting place, noticing a few blurry figures, my hand using a book which I had been using to fan myself to shield my eyes from the blinding sunlight.

Hi, Lightsong! RagingLive here to offer a review from Team Tardis!

First of all, I haven't read your other chapters, so this will be a review based solely on what I've gleaned from this chapter. I'm going to apologize ahead of time in case I make a remark that is unfounded based on other chapters or if I just plain old step on your toes.

It was two forty-five in the evening and the sun was scorching.

I swiped a sweat trailing from forehead to my cheek and decided to seek shelter under the guard’s post.

When I stepped on the ground, I saw him running across the parking lot, maneuvering the teachers’ cars without stopping.

Searching the light companions was like peeling layers of onion - too unpleasant it made you go teary.

We went to our house with a speed that would make a granny get heart attack if she was put at my seat.

the same perfume he always wore to school,

Scarlet and I waited for Imran to come in front of the school gate. It was two forty-five in the evening and the sun was scorching. I felt like getting fried like a steak. I swiped a sweat trailing from forehead to my cheek and decided to seek shelter under the guard’s post. The outer roof was thin but it was enough to shield my upper body from the hot sunlight. There were other students waiting just like me.

Maybe I should go to the bus station just a few meters away from the school gate. I sent a Whatsapp message to Imran saying I waited for him there. I walked briskly to the waiting place, noticing a few blurry figures, my hand using a book which I had been using to fan myself to shield my eyes from the blinding sunlight. When I arrived, I found the figures were three students, two of them sitting at the provided long chair while the other rested his back against the transparent station’s wall.

I joined the two students, giving them a brief smile before recalling what had happened after school. When I exited the class at that time, God must had been playing with my fate as I saw the Blue House member from earlier who sprinted as if he was trying to emulate The Flash. He was walking down the stair at the edge in front of the corridor, leaving the second floor where my class was in. Fortunately, his eyes were glued to the stair and his steps were as slow as hungry man who hadn’t eat for a week.

“So, how about it?” I said, launching myself to Imran’s bed, savoring the fluffiness of it. Somehow, it was fluffier than mine. I hugged his pristine pale blue pillow tightly. Ah, heaven. The pillow smelled like a vanilla ice-cream, the same perfume he always wore to school, the one that would attract girls to approach him if I didn’t act like his fierce guardian. Scarlet floated beside me.

He phased through it, giving red light. It seemed like if we ran out of electricity, we could always use him. Wait, only Imran and I could see him. Maybe I could make a negotiation with Scarlet about this. I grinned, excited to see his reaction when I would bring up this matter to him. He could be a useful normal light.

I raised an eyebrow. This Silver light sounded interesting and important. I would like to see her.

Hi.
This is siddharth.
Good story.
Just loved it.