Absence of light at the end
Sealed fate in the final bend
Carried only by wit and courage
But trapped like a bird in a cage
Through this labyrinth of insanity
Endless maze of altruism and vanity
Surviving, almost facing my trial
And found, at long last, complete denial
I look at the wall that bars my way
Like a senile man whose eyes can weigh
Your soul and your sins, it simply knew
But as a wall, what else can it do?
Across the wall is a field of light
Felicity was never so bright
Respite from this journey of mud and rain
Relief for my soul, of fragments and pain
Alas, I found my forlorn sentence
Cruel destiny without repentance
As the last flicker departs from the torch
Betrayed me to shadows and marks of scorch
Hope, glaring at me from a thousand degree
Despair holding dominion over me
Slowly abandoning my fragile mind
Shadows close in, eating what's left behind
I covet the place on the other side
A blessed paradise, radiance, to me, denied
Flung to the brink of madness and despair
No bells of mercy, life was never fair
Favor from someone you will never find
Steel yourself and take care of your mind
Final breath whose death is crystal clear
To preserve them; those you hold so dear
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140,630 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
Hey there it's Kat here for an excellent quality review for Team WHY?
the whole poem was really well formatted and enjoyable just watch for breaks in your flow.The third stanza the second and third line seemed kind of abrupt making the fourth line feel really forced so consider moving some words around just to make it smoother . I don't understand how this is horror, though it is a little depressing and creepy I enjoyed this read very much . It reminded me of a knight and an old castle but he is trapped and hopeless . Trapped in a hall and his own insanity . It actually felt a lot like a long riddle . Is this person trying to trap himself because he wants to protect the people he loves?
Welcome to YWS!
I'm just gonna start by writing things I notice as I read through (they will probably be negative don't let that get to you). Courage and cage is a bit of a stretch for a rhyme there . Radiance kind of interrupts your flow and is unnecessary . Steel ? You mean steal ? Or is this person putting up a steel wall in their mind because that isn't very clear.
Okay no for the meat of my review . That fifth stanza was gorgeous , I mean wow spot on there
Nice job starting with small stanzas and getting gradually larger for that visual effect
I hope you write more lovely poetry
~Kat
Thanks for the review!
Yes I do notice sometimes my rhymes are out of place, but it's my mistake most of the time because if it rhymes then it gets into the poem.
'Steel yourself' means to fortify yourself or brace yourself, it doesn't literally mean to become a piece of metal xD just an idiom for be strong or something
Not exactly horror, but it has it has a quite dark feel to it, but the nearest genre I could find was horror
My own interpretation is, our minds are very fragile and most of us do not notice how easily breakable it is, especially in the modern world where stresses and problems assault our minds, so it is necessary to 'steel ourselves' if we still want to live seeing those who we love.
Again, thank you for the review :3
Hello!
Happy Review Day!
I'm ILoveBooks123 ready to review your poem.
I have to say...This is quite interesting and amusing. I love the poem to be honest! Bravo for that! It was well written. Good job on that.
Anyway, shall we start reviewing?
First of all, I like the format of the poem. I rarely find this kind of format in a poem. I even try to write a poem in this kind of format on my note full of poems. But it just doesn't work out for me probably and maybe because I dont know how to balance how long my poems can be.
Second, The rhymes...I like it. Even if you stay with rhyming. It still connected to the poem itself. Because seriously, I have to be honest. When people are writing some poems...They always like to put rhymes on it and when they find something that rhyme to a word they use. They will put it already not even bothering if it still connecting to the poem itself. They forgot to use the real aspect of poetic. And I'm glad you are one of the people who still value the aspect of poetic. Your poem is perfect nothing to say.
Third, I can't find any flaws to the poems. Sometimes when I write these poems, I always ended up finding those errors and flaws. But yours nothing Eli can find wrong. This lead the poem to a perfect one.
Fourth, I want to comment that the rhyming is super great that leads itself to a wonderful piece of poem. The style. The language use. The format. Everything.
Fifth, I have to comment again that this poem is like saying despair, hopelessness and depression. And more stuff. And i have to be honest with you, I can't find a way to express myself with such happy poems. I like to keep it as depressing and angst poems. But I think try more a little something that isn't bland. People and readers want to see more imagery. But it just a suggestion okay? You can ignore this after all. And beside its your poem and your own experience.
I like the ending actually:
Favor from someone you will never find
Steel yourself and take care of your mind
Final breath whose death is crystal clear
To preserve them; those you hold so dear
This is one of the things that caught my eyes actually. It just so beautiful.
Sixth, this poem give deep meaning...
Lastly, Congrats on this poem! Bravo! I'm happy for that! This is one good poem. It's one of my favorite actually. I'm not saying this because I can relate to it but I'm saying this because its really a good poem. I just want you to know you have skills. Continue with your creativity and soon you will be one great poetic writer. You are very talented! Good job!
Keep writing!
-ILoveBooks123
Hey thanks for stopping by!
This is actually my first poem where I respect the the number of syllables per two lines, it was quite difficult because syllable counting whilst trying to let it rhyme, which severely restricted my ideas, sadly
I really loved rhymes because it's what gives music to a poem without plucking a string or humming a tune
I consider this one of my more successful poems, it's not really flawless, but I'm always striving to be great. Thanks again for the encouraging review :>
Hello Lightbringer,
This poem, in terms of word and rhyme use, is quite good. The language used gives the reader a clear image of what the poem is about, yet still remains, well, poetic. Too often I have seen poems written in a way that the poetic aspect is taken away due to language use - yours does not do this. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the writing in the poem is almost perfect. The rhyme scheme also works quite well. As far as I can see, there are no flaws in it. This such rhyming also lends itself to the overall writing style of the piece, and coupled with your superb language use, the overall result is quite good.
However, I found the general idea behind this poem to be somewhat bland. It seems that every other poem (especially on this site) is about despair, hopelessness, etc. Not to say that one shouldn't write about these such topics, but in order to truly stand out, it is important to do something different from the norm. Try bringing up some new ideals, viewpoints, or imagery. You definitely have the talent to do so, as demonstrated by your final stanza:
"Favor from someone you will never find
Steel yourself and take care of your mind
Final breath whose death is crystal clear
To preserve them; those you hold so dear"
That right there is some damn good poetry. It gives the reader something to think about, arouses the mind. If you can work this same creativity and thought into the rest of the poem, instead of just describing what despair is (trust me, we already know), the poem would truly shine. You have talent; use it, and your poems will be stunning.
I hope this review doesn't sound too harsh.
~Cirute
Thanks for the constructive critiscism, I wrote this a month ago when I was depressed, and I was affected by my emotion that I knew something was missing. Reviewing it yesterday made me doubt if I should post it because it felt really repetitive and yep, bland. But how would I know my mistakes without an opinion?
And nope, it doesn't sound too harsh, thanks again!
well u r a pure genius... i mean the way u presented your poem was incredible..the last stanza line"final breath... so dear" is so meaningful and great and i felt a pang of scare too but not fully.... this is the only drawback that as your poem is about ghosts but i didnt quite feel the subject is opening up... but otherwise great work and keep writing like this ...
from shivangi
Haha, pure genius is too much, this was actually inspired by the game I was playing plus my grief. It wasn't horror or supernatural to be honest, it just seemed that way, in my opinion, it leans more on the Edgar Allan Poe and Lovecraftian side. Anyway, thanks for the review!